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I don’t really know anymore

is it bad that the only time i didn’t feel suicidal and depressed this month was because i was in nauseating pain 24/7 for 2 weeks? now i don’t feel that pain and all i can do is cry and want to end my life. i can’t ever be happy on my own. i’ve been on my own my whole life. i rely on others for happiness and i wish it wasn’t like that but it is and i don’t know how to change it…

i keep thinking about how i breakdown whenever somebody says even the slightest thing, example, “you are not okay”, or something. it doesn’t even have to be personal, it just has to be then seeing that i’m in pain or making an assumption about me that is terrifyingly accurate and i’ll just want to breakdown into tears. why is that?

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@justbunnys I don’t know why that is for you but I do know that when I started hearing things like that from people I worked with it made me very angry because I had been putting so much effort into acting okay or smiley when I was seriously depressed, and it made me feel like it wasn’t enough. I don’t know why those interactions make you cry, but whatever the reason is, it’s okay reacting however you do. It is human to cry. It sounds like you’re experiencing a lot of hard and tiring thoughts along with loneliness. Those are hard things to bear. You say that you can’t be happy alone, but that is okay too. Human beings were created to be social and it’s okay to want people in your life. it doesn’t make you a bad person to feel the desire to connect with people.
I’m sorry that you’re feeling the weight of depression and suicide ideation right now. I would like to remind you that the fight is worth it. Your life matters and this world is better with YOU. Really and truly, it is.
Thank you for sharing your feelings. I hope that sharing helped ease the weight of those thoughts a little. We are here for you and care about you :yellow_heart:

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justbunnys,

Honestly, this makes far more sense than you may believe right now or give yourself credit for. You want to be validated. You want your existence to matter. You want for your pain to matter. When you don’t have something on the outside that reflects how terrible you feel inside, it feels like the fear of being invisible, of suffering silently, of suffocating in your own emotion alone, becomes too much to bear. WHAT A RELIEF when someone can see your pain! When someone has a “reason” to care!! It feels like you do not know how to ask for help, or don’t believe that you deserve it, or have been told your whole life to keep quiet…and when all of a sudden, you receive love, someone cares about you, someone turns their heart or their eyes towards you…it makes you want to break down because it feels so fucking good to be human.

I don’t think that’s weird at all, friend. I cried the other day when someone chose to sacrifice to help me. I didn’t want to burden them with my problems, but I have been practicing being less on my own for a couple years now…I was in a really vulnerable space, in tears, and I called them and asked for help, and they said yes, and I broke down. It feels good to be loved, especially when we fear we don’t deserve it.

You’re not crazy. You’re actually very, very human.

-Nate