It happen in a sec, my dad was angry at me and then lost my shit, I punch a chair, now my hand is injured and I can’t box to relive stress. My parents made me into the toxic person I am.
It unfair that I can’t just fucking drink, it help me calm me down. It better than punching my skull.
I don’t these fucking DBT skill are not working. My dad is fucking asshole. Why fuck telling I have a fuck angry problem fuck them. If people did not piss I would not be fucking angry. Fuck them, I can’t control these impulse.
As a product of my parents, I would be bipolar, schizophrenic, have BPD, anxiety and depression. I would also be a pathological liar.
My parents messed me up, and I suffered. Finally I came to the point where I asked myself, “what should I do now?” I came to realize, the past does not have to dictate the present. In other words, regardless of what happened in the past, you are free to make different choices now.
Like learning to ride a bicycle, you keep falling down until one day you get the hang of it, and can ride just fine, the DBT skills won’t work until you get the hang of them, then you’ll handle them just fine.
I think you need to talk to your therapist. Explain how on edge you are. I believe you need some kind of professional intervention to help you feel better.
I hope you’ve managed to find some calm and peace after this intense interaction. It’s hard when deep emotions like these get triggered, especially when it’s by the same people over and over.
I want to echo wholeheartedly @Wings there: your parents decisions and behavior have shaped you and impacted you in some way, but it doesn’t define you. From the impact they’ve been having on you, you can learn to be the person you want to be, especially since you’d probably get the help they never dared to ask for.
I too often think that I’ve been messed up by my parents and I’m condemned to just be someone who’ll sabotage themselves for the rest of their life. Someone lacking too much of confidence to be anyone really or live the life I want. But that is not true. We own our decisions in the present moment, even if we didn’t choose nor asked for a lot of things that happened in the past. If we decide that we are only the product of what they did and said, then we will be that, indeed. But if we dare to give ourselves a chance and break the narrative, we decide what our future is. No one gets to control that.
We didn’t choose the cards that were given to us. But we get to decide what we do with them.
I want to encourage you to keep trying your DBT skills and coping mechanisms. It may not work all the time, but each event like this is an opportunity to learn. Why isn’t it working? Why is it harder this time to even try? Etc. You may not control the impulses yet, but you can still reflect on the events and learn from it once some peace have settled again. You are not condemned to be subjected to emotions that would be out of your control. How you react to those, the narrative you build around them, is your own entirely, and is essential in your own healing.
You got this. We all believe in you. Don’t give up on yourself.
I feel like you recognised something, that boxing helps you to relieve stress. Even if you can’t box while your hand heals, perhaps there could be other forms of exercise you could use which will help to release the stress from your system?
I hope that sharing your feelings helped to ease some of your anger too. It sounds like there are sources of anger in your life and when it’s hard to influence those sources, you can try to influence your own reactions. Like any process, there can be moments the process fails but that doesn’t mean you failed as long as you keep trying.
If life is like a boxing fight, you can lose a few rounds along the way and still win the fight.
