I don’t want to be here

I’ve never been on this website before but I feel like it is a good place to express myself as it’s difficult for me to do so in my day to day life. I’m currently 16 years old and I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety since I was 13. I told my mom that I was depressed and needed to seek help but she was hesitant at first about taking me to go see a therapist so I had to push her into letting me go. I didn’t want my mental state to worsen. These past three years have been a roller coaster but I’m unfortunately near my breaking point. Ive developed thoughts questioning my self-worth and thoughts about suicide. I never really acted on them no matter how much I wanted to do it. But lately I feel like i should act on it. My mental state is causing many problems within my family and I’m tired of it. I think I made my siblings hate me. I really love them but my brother called me a “psycho” “lunatic” “a mistake” he referred to me as a “thing” and said that my “sister was the favorite” when we fought. Then today my sister called me “dumb whore” “anxious and depressed bitch” and told me “you are reason things go to shit”. I considered her to be my best friend because I thought she was patient with me. We share many common interests and we laugh all the time together. But she said “don’t ever call me best friends with that dumb bitch it pisses me off”. It really hurt having people you look up to say these things. I don’t know if it’s because of my selfishness or my mental health but I don’t want to admit I’m making their lives miserable. I feel like it would be better if I wasn’t a part of their lives anymore; that I would be better off dead. I always have to make things worse for everyone. There’s many other things as well but I don’t want my family to suffer because of me. I’ve told them that they shouldn’t speak to me anymore if I cause them too much trouble. I feel as though that is the best solution.

Hi there, thank you for sharing.

This sounds like a really hard situation, you must be exhausted from all the stress of your relationship with your siblings and the roller coaster you say the last three years have been. I have lived through that, and many other people here have. I’m sorry you’re being treated so poorly, you don’t deserve it. You never did. Be patient and show love, it gets better. Time will help you heal from this.
You are not a psycho.
You are not a lunatic.
You are not a mistake.
You are not a whore.
You are not a dumb bitch.
These labels are absolute lies, and they do not define you. You are more than negative things people say about you. You are loved, cared for, strong, capable, and respected.
You matter.

Hang in there friend,

1 Like