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I don't feel human anymore

So I’ve been dealing with depression for very long time, never really felt good when I was in school, never felt like I belonged. I’m 25 now and so far in the last few years things had seem to be getting easier. I was struggling five years ago over a long distance relationship I had with a girl, who after I made a bunch of life changes, ended up marrying another man and not telling me. It was very devastating cus I knew her for a long time, since we were kids, and we had always been very close. So I let myself go for a while with drugs and ridiculous relationships, I just didn’t care anymore. After a while a couple of my good friends talked me into moving to a new town with them and starting over. Of course wanting to do anything to escape from where I was at, I hop right on the wagon with them and disappeared. Things in this new town were rough, but I was relieved and starting to feel better about myself. A few years later, (three months ago to be exact) I met this amazing girl through friends at work, and started talking with her every afternoon when I was off. She was so loving and caring and an amazing mother, and I fell for her hard. After a few weeks of talking me and her decided to start dating. We would spend everyday through the week at her house when I was off, and on the weekends she would send her kid to her dad’s and come spend them at my house. We would be up for hours talking to each other about everything, all the things we been through, things we never told anyone. And it felt so real to me I started becoming distant because I was so afraid to lose her or hurt her. And I started noticing she was becoming distant with me. I kept fighting myself on it though cus I wanted nothing else but to be with her, I just needed to learn how to be comfortable. And then… I saw a message on her phone one day from her ex, the father of her child, and they were talking about getting back together. I lost it I felt so crushed and felt like I wasn’t enough. I pleaded with her and she said she would be with me, but a week later after one last good night with her, she left me. Her family completely wrote me off like I didn’t exist, like I was just some passing phase. I let myself get too close and now I just feel so used and empty and unimportant, like I’m not a human anymore, I’m just some trash someone threw out. And I snapped and for the first time I didn’t see any hope of being better. All the memories, all the pain I felt growing up just hit me all at once, everything with my ex and just never feeling like I mattered. I tried to kill myself. I would’ve if it wasn’t for a good friend that came and sat and cried with me all night. But now I’m just stuck with the emptiness from it, the feeling that I was so close to leaving and I didn’t care. I’m struggling, I know there’s more to this but I can’t see the good things anymore, I can’t find comfort or peace, I pace in my room all night and day trying to piece some kind of understanding back together in my head. I just don’t know what to do I’m so broken and lost. And angry, furiously angry with myself and the ones I’m hurting over. I don’t want this to continue to affect my life, but I have no sense of direction in the living hell I’m in right now

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Friend, I am so sorry for the hurt that you are experiencing right now. Break up so so hard. Especially when it feels like you were disregarded and chosen over. I know that all too well. It’s frustrating, maddening and angering. And it’s so easy to fall into a trap of false lies and begin to think the worst of yourself for it.

You are so important. Despite how you are feeling right now. Everything you’ve been put through, that you feel and have expressed matters. You are valued. And everything here is valid. You need to know this.

I know in this moment it probably feels like the end of the world. And it probably feels like there’s no light to be found in all of this darkness. But there is a way out my friend. There are better days. It may just take a little bit to get there.

Drugs, alcohol, self destructive things…these things won’t help. In the moment they may help numb the pain. But in the long run, they aren’t going to make it better. Don’t drag yourself down my friend. You matter so much.

Try to find people and things that make you feel good and try to center yourself around these things. I know being positive isn’t always easy and I’m sure the last thing you want to hear is “Try to be positive!” So I’m not going to tell you that.

But I do recommend trying to find things that you find joy and comfort in. To help you distract a little bit. Lose yourself in something healthy. For me, tonight, it was painting. Something I’ve been wanting to do but due to depression and feeling like crap I’ve been putting aside.

Friend. I care about you. And I want you to be okay. I hope that if you get to a point you want to do something hurtful that you will reach out to us and let us be there for you. I know we can’t fix it, but we can be an encouragement and a support.

It does get better my friend. One day at a time okay? Be gentle with yourself.

Hold fast

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Hey @Metalpoet93, relationships are never easy. People aren’t either. Sometimes people let you down and you have to rely on yourself, you have to like yourself. Drowning out pain with drugs and self-destructive things isn’t reality.
You matter to me. And when things happen like this, we have to look to the sky and move forward. Wash your hands of yesterday. You matter, and people see it. I see it, @anon17277947 sees it, your good friends see it. Hold on.
My advice would be to take a breath and sit still for a moment, to work on yourself before you give yourself to others. You’ll be okay. You’re a fighter. :slight_smile:

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Hi @Metalpoet93, I just wanted to tell you that on a level I can relate to feeling used and not good enough for someone, or people in some cases. When I’ve felt this way, in hindsight, I’ve noticed I’m my harshest critic, and it wasn’t me who wasn’t enough. Rather, the person you think you are not enough for, is not good enough for you. Sometimes, we can’t expect back what we would offer others, because they don’t have the same elements you do or in the same quantity. I know your post was of last year, but I hope things are looking up for you. Also, I joined this community in order to reply to your post and I’m glad I did. I wish you the same love, abundance, and energy you want to give others, for yourself.

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It’s commonly believed, that ending a relationship causes about the same level of emotional duress as the death of someone close. In a sense, that’s exactly what happens. You lose someone, and as a result, you change. You are not the same person you were before the loss, so in a sense you are processing a loss of identity. I think that’s why you don’t feel human.

Often, in new relationships, becoming emotionally intimate is a thing of joy, and then an object of fear, due to feeling too vulnerable. Your self-worth is not even part of the equation. I think you had two things going against you, the fear of vulnerability, and the likelihood that she still had feelings for her ex.

Emotional scars mark our transition from one level of wisdom compassion and empathy to the next.

You are grieving, and processing it will take time. It takes as long as it takes, and trying to rush it is rarely successful. Still, if you take notice each day, you will detect subtle changes in yourself that reveal that you are on a path to healing.

I’ve had some really painful breakups in the past. In one instance, I spent about six months in bed, curled into a fetal position. I swore I would never get involved with another woman. A year or so later, which was 30 years ago, I met my wife. Our relationship is better than anything I could have imagined.

So, shit happens, but also good things.

Be patient with yourself. Love your worthy self, as that enables you to be more loving towards others, including a romantic interest.

Be well, Wings

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