It’s as if someone else is controlling me.
They want to hurt me by getting me to hurt myself. They want me to relapse, to grab the blade again and begin acting in a permanent way. They want me to kill myself but they don’t want me dead.
I’m not me, it’s someone else now. I keep having instances where I don’t even know where I am or how I got somewhere. They changed my demeanor, how I present and act in front of people. It’s the opposite of my silence and yet sometimes, it’s like I physically cannot speak.
Everything about me feels as though it’s been flipped upside down. I don’t know who this person is, I feel haunted and it scares me.
Nothing feels real, like everything is fake. It’s all in my head. I’m not real. I want to wake up, but am I even asleep? My efforts are futile then.
Nothing feels real. I feel nothing but fear at myself.
That was a very descriptive account on how you are currently feeling and I thank you for sharing your experience in such a relatable way. I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through and how it feels like an out of body experience that you have no control over. It can be so hard to feel like you are not yourself, and to be scared of the person in the driver’s seat, the decisions they try to get you to make, the things they try to get you to believe. It’s hard being afraid of yourself and what you might do because you can’t really run or hide from yourself.
I want to briefly commend you on your efforts to stay sh free. However long it has been, not engaging in sh has been an accomplishment for you thus far.
Is there anyone you can talk to professionally about how you are feeling? Anyone that can provide direct support? Having a support system is very vital for one’s journey on improving and bettering their mental health. It’s not something that any person should have to do alone.
You matter! Your life matters! And i just want to remind you of that and provide even a slight bit of encouragement today.
Sometimes the feeling disappears, but then I end up slipping back into it. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s a product of me disassociating, but I didn’t think it’d escalate at this rate. Maybe it has been for years but I never noticed. Anyways, it’s gotten worse.
I haven’t cut, but I have hit myself. It’s my less physically harmful alternative.
I have a session with my therapist next week. They went on vacation for 3 weeks. I didn’t think I’d suddenly decline. I’ll text a hotline if it becomes too overwhelming. But I’m tired of only putting bandaids on gouges. I know mental health can’t be immediately “cured” in a day, but I wish I wouldn’t be getting worse.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this—it sounds incredibly distressing to feel like someone else is controlling you and pushing you toward self-harm. The fear and confusion you’re describing make it hard to trust yourself, and feeling like your identity is slipping away must be terrifying. It’s understandable that you feel haunted when it seems like nothing is real and everything is beyond your control.
The disconnect you’re feeling, like you’re not yourself or can’t recognize who’s acting through you, is a really tough place to be. Feeling like your efforts are futile can make it seem impossible to move forward or reach out for help, especially if you’re struggling to understand where you are and how you got there. It’s also unsettling when your demeanor changes in front of people, flipping between silence and an unfamiliar behavior you don’t recognize. That uncertainty can feel exhausting and isolating.
Even though things feel overwhelming and surreal, what you’re experiencing is real, and you deserve support. Finding someone you can trust, whether it’s a friend or a mental health professional, could help you feel less isolated and start to untangle these intense emotions. If you don’t feel ready for that yet, reaching out to a crisis line can also be a way to talk through these feelings in a nonjudgmental space.
You’re not defined by the struggles you’re facing. Even though everything feels upside down, it’s still possible to find a way forward, and you are worth the journey. I’m here to listen, offer support, and help you however I can.
