I Don't Feel Valued

[SageTheSpirit]

I honestly feel like I don’t have any self worth or value anymore. I just feel like a fat, useless slob who should honestly just commit suicide. I don’t feel good anymore. I just feel like a burden to everyone around me, no one cares enough about me to check in and honestly I don’t know how much more I can take of this pain and pressure to fit in and be someone that I’m not. I just want to be happy and healthy, and unfortunately, I am neither of those things.

So, I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder earlier this year, and honestly, I think I’ve gained more weight then I needed and honestly I am fed up with myself and this fucking disease. As I previously stated, I just want to feel happy and healthy again, and not feel like I’m going to take a heart attack every 5 steps. I just want to have the confidence that I had when I was younger, but it feels as if that’s not possible now.

I am constantly tired, my body aches, and honestly, my depression is at an all time low. I just want to sleep all day, I don’t feel like eating, and most of my day consists of me sitting in front of my computer, vaping, and watching either YouTube or Twitch streams. I am not productive, and that is another thing that pisses me off about myself. I am lazy, I am a slob, and I am useless. This whole world would be better without someone like myself poisoning society.

I also struggle with PTSD from being sexually assaulted at a young age, and I often have flashbacks to those days and I often curl up in a ball most days and just want all of this fucking pain to end. Why me? I often think to myself. What did I do to deserve all of this god forbidden pain? I don’t think I did anything, but it feels as if another presence is trying to punish me. I really don’t know where to go aside from venting and rambling here, but I just want to feel better. I’m sick of these damn illnesses/disorders taking over my god damn life, and I just want to get it back under my control.

I am taking my medications, but they don’t seem to be strong enough anymore if I’m having these kinds of thoughts. Fuck. I don’t know what to do.

[Skava0127]

Hey friend,

I am a sexual assault crisis counselor, so if you wanna chat, DM me here or on Discord. You are so valuable and I hope you know that this pain you are feeling cannot last forever. You are beautiful and made perfectly. Do not question your value (easier said than done, I know) because you are priceless.

Sometimes the only thing you can do is just keep fighting. It is exhausting, I know. But we are here to cheer you on and hopefully lift the weight for a little bit. Don’t forget that you are loved. You deserve peace and healing. I hope you find it soon.

Hold fast. I believe in you.

[Skava0127]

My Discord username is sarahk #5020

[SageTheSpirit]

Thank you so much for the kind words.

[DuckMakesThings]

Heya @SageTheSpirit Thank you so much for writing friends.

I am so sorry to hear that you feel like you don’t have any self worth or value anymore. I am here to tell you that you aren’t a fat, useless slob who should commit suicide. Those are all lies. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be weak. It’s okay to fall. Relapse is apart of recovery.

I understand how you feel with sleeping all day, not eating, and sitting in front of your computer and watching either Twitch or YouTube.

I also do understand the PTSD as I have been diagnosed with it myself after being sexually assaulted in high school and than physically assaulted where my own life was threatened. Please know you aren’t alone friend and you are loved and you matter.

With love

Ducky