I honestly feel like I don’t have any self worth or value anymore. I just feel like a fat, useless slob who should honestly just commit suicide. I don’t feel good anymore. I just feel like a burden to everyone around me, no one cares enough about me to check in and honestly I don’t know how much more I can take of this pain and pressure to fit in and be someone that I’m not. I just want to be happy and healthy, and unfortunately, I am neither of those things.
So, I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder earlier this year, and honestly, I think I’ve gained more weight then I needed and honestly I am fed up with myself and this fucking disease. As I previously stated, I just want to feel happy and healthy again, and not feel like I’m going to take a heart attack every 5 steps. I just want to have the confidence that I had when I was younger, but it feels as if that’s not possible now.
I am constantly tired, my body aches, and honestly, my depression is at an all time low. I just want to sleep all day, I don’t feel like eating, and most of my day consists of me sitting in front of my computer, vaping, and watching either YouTube or Twitch streams. I am not productive, and that is another thing that pisses me off about myself. I am lazy, I am a slob, and I am useless. This whole world would be better without someone like myself poisoning society.
I also struggle with PTSD from being sexually assaulted at a young age, and I often have flashbacks to those days and I often curl up in a ball most days and just want all of this fucking pain to end. Why me? I often think to myself. What did I do to deserve all of this god forbidden pain? I don’t think I did anything, but it feels as if another presence is trying to punish me. I really don’t know where to go aside from venting and rambling here, but I just want to feel better. I’m sick of these damn illnesses/disorders taking over my god damn life, and I just want to get it back under my control.
I am taking my medications, but they don’t seem to be strong enough anymore if I’m having these kinds of thoughts. Fuck. I don’t know what to do.