I dont fully relate with this song but i definitel

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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to a 45 by Shinedown
I don’t fully relate with this song, but I definitely relate to certain aspects.

I don’t have people constantly putting me down, in fact It’s almost the opposite. I have people who want to help, but they can’t, just like I can’t, and apparently the medical system can’t.

The last 2 years of my life have been nothing short of a living hell for me medically. During my childhood I had episodes of extreme pain and muscle spasms. I saw so many specialists and spent weeks at a time inpatient for pain management. Finally they told us it’s some unknown neurological condition causing these episodes and they didn’t know how to treat me other than IV narcotics.

The episodes stopped during my late teen years and early 20s and we hoped I had grown out of it, but 2 years ago “it” returned with vengeance. Instead of lasting weeks, it’s now been over 2 years with a short break a year and a half ago.

During the 2-3 week reprieve I rolled my truck and suffered a TBI that went undiagnosed for 3-4 months, until the symptoms got so severe I could barely function and I started having difficulty speaking. I was sent to a neurologist who did an MRI and diagnosed me with the TBI. She commented she was surprised I had done as well as I had, normally TBIs like mine are not visible on an MRI, but mine was very visible.

I am not able to work, I get overwhelmed and shutdown very easily and quickly. I live with a headache, and talking can be challenging at times. I was finally making progress in my different therapies and I was starting to do more when the pain issues struck me again and landed me in the hospital for a week while we found an oral pain regiment that could keep my pain at a 6/10 which I can “live” with at home. It’s been 5 months now and I just tired.

The pain has been wearing away at me like water against a rock. Unfortunately, unlike one of my favorite songs,“I Am A Rock” by Simon and Garfunkel, I am not a rock or an island, and this relentless pain is wearing me away.

I try not to think about the future because no matter how many people tell me it will get better, it hasn’t gotten better. I only sink deeper and deeper towards the bottom, and every time I think I’ve hit the bottom, it turns out not to be. I don’t know, but it seems like the bottom will only be reached at the end of this life.

I go to bed each day praying to not wake up, but I’m cruelly woken up by the pain through the night just to remind me I’m still here.

I wouldn’t say I’m suicidal, I guess you could say I’m past that point. I’ve realized I can’t take that route out because of the pain it would cause my family. Now I’m just stuck here to suffer whatever torment and suffering this pain can come up with.

It might be strange to some people me writing all this out. For me it is an outlet to express all this, even though I know few, if any, will read it. I have few friends, non of whom I could share all this with. My family has done so much for me and has already suffered so much because of me. I I won’t burden them further by telling them I feel like they are the only thing blocking me from the sweet release I so desperately desire.

[I-Am-Reclaimer]

Hey friend,

Thank you for sharing your story. You’ve truly dealt with a lot and the fact that you’re still here is testiment to your unfathamable strength. Truly, at the end of the day, you should be proud of yourself for pushing through despite everything that’s been holding you back. I respect the hell out of that.

I, too, had a TBI about 10 years ago and it completely changed my life. Though the things that I’m still affected with are memory problems and focus/attention.

While I haven’t had to deal with the extreme pain that you carry, I learned something really important out of this that I hope can give you a different perspective.

Before I dive into this, I’ll share some helpful links as there is a large and growing body of research on this. I encourage you to look into this stuff if you can…

Pain distraction.

The Brain that Changes Itself

Do you have something you look forward to doing?

After my TBI I had basically 10 second Tom from 50 first dates kind of memory, but after working with my neuroligists and diving into things over time I’ve somehow turned what was a life altering moment into my super power.

The brain/body connection is so fascinating with regard to it’s ability to alter how we experience life in every way you can think of. I had a goal to be independent again, to go live my dreams and explore the world. Through out my recovery I began playing a lot of guitar and diving very deep into understanding music, psychology, how the brain works, how it’s possible to heal oneself through actions alone. It’s kind of weird because conventional thinking tells us to go to the doctor to heal us, give us medicine, whatever it is, but there’s something powerful in putting your attention and intention toward things you look forward to doing. The thing that take your focus away from the hurt, pain and depression and refocuses it on something that brings happiness, growth, and fulfillment. It can be anything really, so long as it’s something that you feel excitement towards, a yearning to do, felt drawn to.

It’s almost as if the brain redirects resources used to process the pain, the sickness, the depression - whatever it is - and sends it to that thing you choose that you’re looking forward to. Do this enough and it’s like you condition your brain to process the pain differently.

[tromboness]

Just, wow. You have great struggles that have lasted the majority of your life. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have pain constantly, only finding brief relief from intense medication regiments. And your TBI has made your life even more difficult, taking aways being able to work and to function normally. I can understand feeling tired from all of this, feeling like there’s nothing good left in this life for you when all you feel is pain.

I also like Simon & Garfunkel’s “I Am A Rock.” There are times in life when you want to push everyone and everything away because it all ends in pain. But there is no sure armor that can shield from the kind of pain you experience.

Wishing to just reach the end of this life can be passive suicidality. It makes like even more painful when you just want everything to end because you are not living for yourself, only for others. It might good to find things that you can enjoy for yourself. Maybe nothing right now seems like it makes your life worth living through the pain, but I believe you can find a reason to live for yourself and have joy in that in spite of the pain.

Hold Fast. We believe in you.