From joud: i went to 22 different therapist
From joud: and i cant be too honest cause what if they put me in a mental hospital
From joud: its alot i cant==========
From joud: its======================
From joud: 18 years=================
From joud: of non stop mental pain==
if you arenât honest with them, they wonât be able to help you.
thats th truth of it⌠we canât heal wounds until we tell the doctor whatâs hurting us, friend.
and there are folks here who have been thru the mental hospitals.
sometimes it helps when weâre struggling hard and canât find the way. Sometimes it helps to tell someone, hey you do whatâs needed, letâs do something differnetly.
iâm glad youâre here talking with us, btw 
From ManekiNeko: Hey joud, first thing nobody here is going to endorse anybody to harm themselves. Thatâs not what this community is about. I can see youâre hurting so much right now, I just want to encourage you that people are here because they care about people. I know we may not know you personally, but many of us have experienced hurt in different ways, and we want to be a listening ear for those who are also hurting. We donât want to see people struggle alone.
You donât have to do anything youâre not ready to, I hope you donât feel forced, but if and when you are ready there are resources available that we are happy to share with you.
If you want you can talk about whatâs been happening that has been building up to these feelings and this moment.
We arenât trained professionals which is why we want to encourage people if they are in a crisis to reach out to those who are, but if talking through it helps a little then youâre always welcome to share
From joud: you dont understand======
From joud: ive heard all of this before
From joud: no one actually cares online like if i killed myself now you wont be affected any of you and the people who know me personally wont be affected either cause
From joud: nobody cares=============
From joud: life moves on============
From ManekiNeko: It sounds like youâve been really struggling for a while, joud. I understand that itâs not a quick and easy fix, and I understand that it sounds very shallow or superficial for us to say we care, and we mean no disrespect by that. Did you want to talk about whatâs been going on?
From joud: its======================
From joud: too much=================
From joud: i dont know where to start
From Mystrose: Hey Joud, Iâm so sorry that youâre struggling so badly with suicidal thoughts, I know from experience how scary and confusing that is. Iâm very glad that you are still with us after so many attempts and that you are here in this space talking.
You said that youâve had lots of therapy, like 22 different therapists, and that it doesnât work. You also mentioned that you are not truthful with them because you donât want to be sent to a mental hospital. If you are not truthful with your therapist, they will not be able to help you by giving you the treatment you need. Without knowing that you suffer from suicidal ideation, they cannot help you through it. They cannot teach you the coping skills you need. A therapist isnât the enemy, they are there to help you and can only do that if you tell them everything.
They will only admit you to a mental ward/hospital if they feel you are a danger to yourself or others. Iâve been sent from my psychiatristâs office to the mental ward a few times and although I didnât want to go, it was very good for me in the end. When you are there, the world is on the other side of the locked door, and you get to focus on yourself without all the stresses the world throws at you. There are people to talk to and activities that will help you work thru whatâs going on. Yes, sometimes itâs a little scary depending on who is there too, but it is a safe place and for me, it actually felt nice to be taken care of.
I just wanted to tell you these things because believe it or not, I care about you.
Like @ManekiNeko asked, do you want to talk about whatâs been going on? Why you are having these emotions and thoughts? Weâre here to listen 
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