I’m tired. I’m so tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I don’t have the energy to fight my head anymore. I don’t have the energy to heal from this assault. I feel like I’m turning into liquid, and just melting away faster than I can scoop myself up. I’m trying to give myself grace, and time, but I’m just over it. I’m over feeling this way. I just want to give up. I don’t have the will anymore to stand up on my feet. I feel useless, like my life is not worth the fight anymore. No one should have to go through this. No one should have to feel what I feel, hating themselves after a sexual assault. I feel worthless, like I’m just here to please the likes of men. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I feel spite at being a woman because I can’t do what I want to do, and have to be cautious and even on guard for my life anytime I go out. I have so much hatred towards being a woman. I’m just, tired. I want to give up.
You are worthy of life and you deserve happiness. To have survived what you have survived, you are stronger for it and it does not define who you are as a woman. You can overcome this and you have so much to offer to the world. You can do this because you are a survivor
I love you so freaking much. My heart aches that you had to go through this shit. I absolutely hate it for you. But I also understand these feelings. I was assaulted more than once when I was a teenager and when I was in my early 20’s. And was sexually abused by my own grandfather for most of my childhood.
I carried a lot of anger for many years. I was angry at those who hurt me, I was angry at those who didnt hear me, believe me or support me. I was angry because I felt so broken about my body and lost trust in a lot of people. I didn’t feel safe around men. I felt insecure. Intimacy was triggering and upsetting. I felt like a sex object. There were so many emotions that burned through me.
Some days I had such a hard time looking at myself in the mirror. I questioned if it was my own fault. I questioned if I deserved it. I felt worthless, I hated myself, I was depressed…I felt like I wasn’t good enough to be treated with respect and was only good enough to be wanted in disgusting ways that pleased others.
It sucks when you have to feel trapped in constantly feeling on guard, worried, paranoid, concerned or cautious out of fear or protection of yourself and people intruding on your body.
Honey I hear you. I have felt all of these things you are not alone. But let me tell you something. Yes, it’s hard. Yes it’s a fight. But I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel. It CAN and WILL get better. Sure you may need therapy and guidance along the way. Healing may take time. But that’s okay. Let yourself do what you need to, to heal.
I understand that hatred. I understand that anger. I understand being so tired, exhausted, overwhelmed. It took me a while to overcome it. But I did overcome it. There are still things that are difficult and triggering for me, but I was able to find some peace and healing in a lot of areas regarding it. It doesn’t control my life like it used to.
I love you so much, A. I am here, supporting you. Any time you just need a friend, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I will listen. I will love you. I will support you. I will encourage. I will try my best to do what I can to let you know you are not alone.
Don’t give up, sweetie. Those who have hurt you do not deserve to have that kind of control over you. Don’t let them have that. Fight honey. Fight and take your life back. You deserve it. You have so many people here to walk with you at your side while you get where you need to be.
I cannot imagine how it must hurt to have gone through what you have, but I do know that you are worthy of healing and love and to see the rest of your life. I see you in the chats on the HS streams. Its been good to hear/read your insights in how you care for others and the advice you have for them. I have not been through sexual assault, but I was physically abused as a child and in a lot of ways, I am still working through that. My heart hurts for you, I hate that you have been through any of this. It takes time to heal and move past the images. In reading @KittyKoyangi’s reply, it sounds like there’s a lot there the two of you can relate on. Just know you are heard, you are seen, you are wanted here, you are not alone, and you are loved so so much.
Thank you all for your kind words and love. I really appreciate it, I’m just not handling this situation very well. Much Love
It’s okay to not be okay for a while my friend. I know you can get through this. Always here for you.
I know you shared recently about what happened to you and how you’ve been trying to deal with this. I saw it, I read it but didn’t feel like what I’d say would be useful at the moment.
We didn’t have the occasion to talk to each other directly, but I feel for you. I strongly respect your feelings and what you’re going through. The things you described, the words you used… I understand the heaviness that comes with it. I see it. I feel it. It goes straight to my heart and my soul. All of it.
I’ve been beating myself up with the exact same thoughts recently. I was sexually assaulted years ago but spent so many years to push that away from my mind, so I kept going on like I was blind to myself. But it wasn’t a long-term strategy. And for the first time now I’m trying to get the pieces of what happened to fit together. To process. To heal and finally seek for some peace. But it is such a difficult journey. You are right.
There are days when I feel so much hate for myself. And I too wish that no one would have to go through any of this. Not you. Not anyone. It is paralyzing, disabling. I’m not even sure if words are enough to describe that state of mind. Also the impact it has on your own physicality. I’ve been feeling scared, unsafe, stressed. I sleep with a chair behind my door, just because it helps. I’ve been feeling like I’m just meant to be used, as it feels like there’s not much left of me. It’s hard for me to know who I am, who is this person behind this body and this soul that seem to be hurting almost all the time.
But it doesn’t really matter right now.
I wanted to reach out to you, to get rid of some fears and say what follows.
It may feel like walking through a field of thorns, but you are not alone in this. I am standing here with you. I am rooting for you. Right here and right now. With all the strength and love I can gather for you.
For what it’s worth, I am so proud of you for reaching out, for sharing. Feelings of shame and guilt coming from this kind of situation can make us lose so many time before we actually receive the help we need. I wasted too many years. But there are people here in this community who also shared their story and inspired me to keep trying, to let go of those who never tried to understand before. As weird as it may sound, as I just certainly seem to come from nowhere right now, you are one of these people who inspired me to raise my voice. I respect you. I feel for you. And I want you to know that I’m here for you too. I care about you. And you are so loved.
As Koyangi said, it’s okay not to be okay. In these moments, you can count on your friends here. And I hope you share about this, as much as you can, with your beloved ones and the people who are close to you as well.
You’ll get through this. I’ll get through this.
We may not be the same anymore, but we will rise again.
I believe in you. I believe in me. I believe in the fact that we won’t allow the hatred to win.
It’s not much, but I’d like to share a quote from an author I particularly appreciate, and some art that has been inspiring to me recently. I hope it will speak for itself, as words can be limitating sometimes.
“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise” - V.Hugo.
Sending so much love your way.
Its okay friend, that’s why you have people who love and support you-to share the burdens you’re carrying. Let us uphold you during this time.
I love you so very much. I hope healing comes. I love you so so much.