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I don't know how much more I can take


#1

So my problems began when I was a kid and I didn’t even know what depression was, but I had it really bad. I went to my parents when it got to be too much. They promised to help, and for a while they did, but then they just, stopped, like they forgot. So I hid it from them, for years. It got to the point where I couldn’t hold it in anymore, and I made some really stupid choices. They confronted me, and I told them how bad I was doing, anxiety and insomnia now having been thrown in. Again, they promised help, but stopped giving it after a little while. This has happened half a dozen times. I’ve gone back to hiding it. I don’t know why I feel this way for the most part. I know part of it is just the feeling of distance between my parents and I, mainly my father. He’s out of town a lot, and when he’s here, he doesn’t speed that much time with me. I’ve tried to spend time with him, I’ve given him movie tickets, but it takes months to actually go see a movie, if it happens at all, which is pretty standard when it comes to trying to spend time with him. A couple of months ago, I got him a video game I thought he’d like so we could play it together. I don’t even think he remembers it. What makes this worse for me is that he makes time to play games with my brother. One time, about three weeks after I got him the game, he asked if I wanted to play it, I said I would. He forgot. Later that day I saw him playing with my brother after seemingly forgetting about me, and it hurt, a lot. I’m actively hiding what I go through. I just go through the day either feeling empty, or feeling intense desire to hurt myself, or just an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I stay up at night wondering if I should just kill myself. I had a family member I talked to, as she felt a lot of the same stuff, but she left, and I feel like I’m all alone again. I just feel like no one will help me. My parents don’t do anything when I talk to them, and whenever I set up a thing to do with them, I have to question if it will actually happen. I’m tired of this. I can’t hold it in anymore, I just get these overwhelming feelings of sadness and rage and the desire to hurt myself. I know this is nothing compared to what others have gone through, but I can’t take it anymore. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I apologise for ranting, it’s pretty disjointed and not focused, I just felt like getting it out.


#2

Hey friend!
Thank you for reaching out! It’s totally okay to rant, sometimes typing or writing out our feelings helps soo much!

I’m sorry about what’s going on with your parents. My best advice would be to sit down just with your dad or both. Or one at a time and have a serious talk with them. Tell them exactly how you’re feeling and address the ways they’re making you feel. It may feel scary, but they’re your parents. Be honest about everything you are feeling. I’m praying for you friend. And even if you don’t feel your parents are there a lot, know that God’s always there for you. To me, He’s the perfect dad. Our earthly fathers fail sometimes, but He doesn’t. He never will. He’s there for you pal, you can reach out. :slight_smile:
I’m praying for you friend. Things will get better, slowly but surely. <3


#3

Thank you, I’ve talked to my parents before and it hasn’t done anything, so I’m just skeptical about it. I think I’ll try it again soon, maybe after I pray some and try to collect myself. Thanks for the response.


#4

Hey swil19,

Just saw your other post, and this one gives some additional context…

Man it freaking sucks to feel like your dad just ignores you…to feel forgotten, unimportant, insignificant to him…that alone is enough to drive someone to the edge of their wits…it feels like maybe if you got angry or sad or hurt yourself that he’d either notice, or you’d feel something different than this worthlessness that you feel because of your dad’s neglect…all you want is to be noticed, to matter to him, and it feels like the only person that does is your brother. It feels like there’s got to be something wrong with you for your own dad to just bail on you over and over and over again, and it’s so difficult to keep trying and feel ignored.

I’m really sorry man. That’s the deepest kind of invalidation you can get :\

I know for me, I had kind of the opposite problem…my dad spent tons of his time with me, but I felt like any time he was around me, he was disappointed, like nothing I did would ever make him proud enough. It felt like he was always criticizing me, and I just felt like a massive failure. I had a similar wound – feeling like I meant nothing to my dad – and it led to my daily feelings of worthlessness, my desires to escape my reality, to do something to feel something else besides like I was this massive failure.

Similar to what @nessdaniels was talking about, it took a really long time, but God showed me the love I felt like I never had from my dad. He was there for me when I felt like a total failure, like I was totally worthless and neglected. IDK if you know God, but if you do, have hope! He will Father you, and He can heal these wounds and restore to you a sense of worthiness, a sense of validation, and a sense of love. A great place to start on the journey towards healing is a book called Wild at Heart. That changed my life and started me on a path of being Fathered by God, healing these wounds, and living a more whole-hearted life.

You’re not alone in this journey, man. Thanks for posting here.


#5

It’s not that I think I don’t matter to my dad, I know he cares about me. He had a really rough childhood, and I think that this is probably a symptom of that. Both of my parents suffer from the same stuff I do, so its just hard for them. I don’t wanna vilify them, but it’s still hard to deal with, even if they don’t mean to hurt me. They’re not bad parents, there’s just this disconnect that I can’t solve.


#6

@Sam,

Here is how much you can take:

“Life isn’t about how hard you can hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.” You’re strong and we believe in you! You have a whole team being you, rooting for you. You will come out stronger in the end. Hold fast, friend.

-Eric


#7

I know they’re not bad parents. I believe most parents do their best with what they have. My dad did the same too. But it doesn’t change the way their actions and words (or lack thereof) impact you. The point here isn’t to blame them, the point is to understand your own pain and your own story.


#8

Hey Sam… I feel ya man… and what I hope you know is that it’s nobody’s fault, not your parents, and not yours. This is just how you are right now, and you’re in pain. Some people just have less dopemine made in their brains, and you and I are two of them… and it just sucks.
Your parents… yeah, I know that too. It feels you’re being ignored, even when you ask for hep, but they don’t really have any help to give because they don’t know how it feels. People in general want to hang out with people who are fun, it’s a natural behaviour to pull yourself up on someone else who is happier than you. and that is what you’re trying, but your parents want that too. And be honest, you’re not much fun in the state you’re in, right? And the people are you probably don’t even know what they are doing, because it’s a natural behaviour, and maybe they do spend time with you, but because of the depression you just remember the emptiness, the darkness, not the little brief moment of light.
This is one way I keep the darkness at bay. I remember my smiles, and each night before I go to sleep I try to sum up my smiles of that day, the little moment that made it all bearable. Doing that I end up with a week’s worth of little lights, and a month’s of little smiles… and that carries me through the darkest times.
Throw yourself into your passions, for me that is singing on Twitch, and drawing, go for walks, go do anything that can make you smiles just a little. Please trust me. It helps, if only to get through the day safely.
What also helps for me is to grade each part of the day, a 1 to 10 scale of awful to wonderful. Life is rarely as dark as I remember it to be.

I hope my advice helps, if only a little.

You are not alone.

Martin / ThatOldDutchGuy


#9

Thank you for posting - The situation with you dad, oh wow. I get that so much. My mum and dad treat my sisters like angels - they seem to forget that they have 3 daughters not 2. When I reach out to them, it’s just seen as attention seeking and childish so I learnt to hide what i’m going through too and cope through self harm/drugs and suicide is always on my mind - some days it’s not the forefront of my thoughts, but especially in the evenings it feels like the only way out. My sisters were brought up to feel loved and spoilt - my 20 year old sister sleeps on the couch all day not bringing in any money. She’s 20 so no more child benefits and no job. When I was 19 and mum was still getting child benefits for me due to me being in education, she FORCED me to get a job threatening to kick me out if I didn’t because she couldn’t afford to keep me here.

If they care but forget, they might just not know HOW to help. Is there a way that maybe you could sit down and SCHEDULE some time to talk AND work out what steps you need to take first? When I need my mum do stuff - she ALWAYS forgets. She asks us to text her/write it down… Is there a way you could write it out for them to refer back to that way?
hell - add an event to their computer calendar when they’re away from it so it pops up and reminds them. I often throw things on my mums phone calendar wheni need her to do stuff -> she gets so confused but it gets done. Keep us updated <3

Hold Fast
Kayla


#10

Hey @Sam Here is our video response from our live stream. Hold Fast.