I don't know how to feel anymore

Back in December, I started dating someone. He was on house arrest because of a mistake he made almost two years ago. I was in a really bad place mentally and he really helped me get through it, staying up with me all night making sure I was okay. He saved me from almost committing suicide. He helped me through so much. Later on, he began to decline mentally and almost committed suicide a few times. I was there every step of the way trying to show him how much I loved him and that just because he made a mistake, it doesn’t define who he was. Things started to get bad for us when they told him he was going away and it was heartbreaking. He became so angry and bitter. I knew it was because he felt trapped and scared. He progressively stopped talking to me and I was so hurt. He went away and didn’t give me the chance to say goodbye or anything. Everyone else in his life was able to be there, but he wouldn’t allow me. I suffered all summer crying so hard because I missed him so much and the fact that things got left off the way it did killed me every single day. I prayed and prayed for him to just come back or just randomly call me or something. Two months later, he ended up calling me and wanted me to go see him. I went to go see him and everything was great. I was still hurting though. We talked things out and everything and I realized how much he really changed and it made me so happy. He then apologized about how he treated me and how he realized I was the only one that was ever there and the only one that ever cared. How I never deserved the way he treated me and how much he really truly loves me. He started trying to get me back and of course when he started talking about how he prays for me and how much he loves me. I assumed God brought him back for me to be with so I kinda let my emotions get in the way. He told me in a letter that if I needed to move on, he’d understand. But of course like I said, I got so terrified of losing him again. And I couldn’t picture myself with anyone else and I broke thinking about him being with someone else. I wanted to take things slow to make sure this is what was for me and I was still hurting from the pain of what happened between us. I went to his mom and dads house for his nephews birthday, and his mom introduced me to the family as his girlfriend. I told him about it later on when he called and he was like well is she right? I was like well I do want to be with you, but I don’t want to rush into anything. I want to take everything slow. I guess he took that as me saying we’re together so he got really happy. I didn’t know that’s how he took it as because a week later he wrote me a letter saying how happy he was that I wanted to be his girlfriend. I mean of course I want to be his, but I was still hurting. All of a sudden all of these thoughts started coming through and I started feeling numb towards him. And I started praying to God every night to take the feelings away and to let me and him be together. Then the feelings go worse and worse every week. I started getting more and more depressed. I started not eating because I was so upset, I couldn’t eat anything. I started taking pills because it was the only thing that made me feel happy and it reminded me of how I used to feel about him and it made me so happy. Then I started cutting myself. I’m hurting so bad because he loves me so much and I love him too, but all my brain can do is get anxiety every time I think about him, all my brain can do is remind itself of the bad times. I didn’t want it to be like this. Why did my feelings start to dwindle away? Especially now since everything is great with him. I’m so upset because I don’t want to leave, but it feels like something is pulling me away. And I keep fighting it because I don’t want to lose him again. I don’t want to lose his family. I don’t want him to hate me. All I want to do is love him forever. I get so upset when I think about a life without him in it. Or when I think about him loving someone else because I love his love and the way he loves me and makes me feel, but sometimes that’s what makes me get bitter. I wish that he would have always treated me this way before he left…I’m so tired of fighting myself every day. I don’t want to go back to the old me, or the life I had before I met him or the life I had after I met him. I want the life I had with him and it’s stressing me out that it keeps feeling like I’m getting dragged away from him. I look at him and get so upset because he loves me so much and I don’t 100% feel the big hearted love I had for him when we were together the first time. I’m terrified of losing him again. All I keep thinking of is losing him again and it makes me so upset. I don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m going insane… :disappointed:

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Hey @alenatbow14,

Thank you for reaching out, and I’m so sorry to hear about the pickle you seem to be caught in. If I understand correctly, you didn’t feel much anxiety prior to you entering into a relationship, and now you’re finding yourself caught in a downward spiral? Have you talked to him about it? What does he think about it? To me, as an outsider, it sounds like vulnerability might be the issue. In other words, by entering into an official relationship, you subconsciously felt the need to protect your heart by unintentionally creating walls to distance yourself, and the distance is what is causing the anxiety (and subsequently depression) because you feel like your wall might be causing you to lose him. I could be completely wrong, but that’s my best guess based on the information provided. Let me know what you think!


Hi friend, thanks for reaching out.

I think you should talk to him about the issue. Don’t consume yourself alone, he’s there to help you after all. It’s normal to be afraid of losing someone, but don’t forget that relationships are made for sharing. You need to share everything (not only the good things), and I believe he’ll be glad if you talk to him.
I also think you should take one thing at a time and do things slowly. There’s no need to rush things: things that last never happen in an overnight and relationships don’t do that too. By doing one step at a time you should be able to work out things in the best way possible.

Keep us updated

Pioggia :sunflower:

Hi there,
I know how you feel friend. I too have experienced almost the same thing. It hurts, i know. But if you feel God is putting the both of you on a separate path then that’s probably what is best. Yes, it hurts like hell and it is scary. It is. But the pain you are feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming. God has a plan for both of your lives. Sometimes we gotta go through this process that hurts, but it’s for the better.
i know it hurts, but learn to deal with your pain in a healthy way. Pray, listen to positive music, reach out to a counselor, friend, pastor, etc. and maybe write a song about it or if working out or something is your thing, put your feelings into that. It helps!
Everything will be ok, i promise. Things aren’t falling apart, they’re falling into place.
Praying for you tonight. Check out this song: Casting Crowns-Just Be Held

Honestly, alenatbow14, I think what you’re going through makes a lot of sense…

You loved him deeply, but then you lost him – in a totally heartbreaking and unpredictable way. It tore you to pieces.

Now that he’s back and you want to love him again, you’re terrified that your heart will be broken in the same way. Because him leaving and not talking to you was totally unpredictable, there’s no way you can assure yourself, “He won’t leave again.” So your heart is doing what it knows best to do: protect itself. Instead of being totally vulnerable and open again with him, it’s closed off because it’s preparing you and keeping you from being hurt.

You’re not crazy for having this happen…none of us want to re-experience trauma, and our hearts are built to protect us from having that kind of deep pain happen over and over. What you’re going through makes sense, friend.

Being able to pinpoint: THIS is why I’m feeling this way though, will give you the ability to make a choice with what you want to do. If you decide to love him and be open and vulnerable, you know what the risk is. You have to weigh:
–> is the relationship with him – for whatever length we choose to be together – worth the risk of experiencing that kind of hurt and pain again?
–> is there a way for you to bounce back from the trauma quicker, even if you give him your whole heart? In other words, can you come up with a plan to protect yourself if you end up breaking up without keeping yourself from him in the meantime?
–> can you find supportive friends who can listen to you and support you as you journey through this process with this boy? That they would be able to encourage you when you feel afraid and comfort you when you feel hurt?

I don’t think there’s a wrong decision here. I wouldn’t blame you or fault you whichever decision you make. I just think now that you have an understanding of what’s going on in your heart, you might be able to actually make that decision as opposed to wondering what’s going on. Hope this helps!


@alenatbow14 I sort of understand. Have you ever said out loud to him, “I’m still mad & hurt about what you did to me with leaving & all.”

I think the reason you’re feeling this way is because you’re not sure if he hearing/listening to you or actually mad at yourself for not making yourself clear.

Don’t hold back and tell him everything. What you’re feeling and what you felt back then over the incident. What you feel now. The reason you want to take it slow and your state now. Open up with him and I’m sure you’ll find your closure. I’m sure you’ll find the answer on whether you should move on or take him as your boyfriend.

I am pretty sure this is the reason that you’re distraught because even though he had apologised that doesn’t mean there was closure.

I did write him a letter about everything that he did and how much he hurt me. He wanted to work things out so I decided I wanted to do the same thing because I couldn’t picture myself without him again and vise versa. I still had strong feelings for him. I feel like everything is my fault because it’s like where did my feelings go? I LOVE the way I felt toward him and I keep wanting to feel that way again. It’s so frustrating. I love him and I love his family so much. I don’t want them to leave my life because it’d be devastating. I honestly keep saying I wish I had a time machine to go back to when he was still here and how we first met because everything was amazing. He’s seriously the best part of my life. He’s so amazing. Probably the most amazing person I’ve ever met. He’s like I don’t want to go back in time because I was trapped in the house 24/7 and I was so depressed. And I was such a jerk to you. Now I’m happier where I’m at and I’m a better person because of you. It just hurts because I feel like something is pulling me away and i don’t want to.