I don’t know what to do. I am lying to most of my friends at school about me being ok, about me being normal. But if I told them the truth most of them would abandon me. I’m pansexual and going to a homophobic christian school isn’t really the best situation. Everyday I am scared one of them will find out and tell the whole school. I’m scared I’ll be bullied If I come out, that I might be expelled. It doesn’t help that I have anxiety, so almost every week I have a mental breakdown, and feel like I can’t keep living like this. If I come out I might be bullied, beaten, and abandoned by almost everyone I love, but I can’t keep living in a lie, its slowly tearing me down. What do I do? I don’t know how to keep living like this.
Hey, thanks for posting! I’m sorry you’re going through this.
How is you relationship with your family? Could you talk to them? You said you’re only lying to most of your friends, is there one that you can be open with? I think if it’s possible to find a club or go to church outside of what you do in school, that would be a good option for you, as well as coming to maybe join the community discord, you can make friends with no judgement on there. The best thing you can do right now, is look for that 1 person you can be honest with and that you can rely on, and go from there. Easier said than done, I know, but if there is someone that you think “actually, they might not abandon me just because I’m struggling right now” then, it’s worth talking to them. I’m not sure how it works in your country, but if you’re expelled for your sexuality etc, it’s considered discrimination and can be taken to the boards and fought against… In my experience, people are more understanding when you reach out than you think. I’m sorry I can’t be of more help, just know you’re not alone and we’re here to listen.
If most likely your family or friends will cause drama or look down on you or banish you. I suggest you struggle to keep it in. Be truthful in that you’re having issues. I suggest you find professional help like a therapist to talk it through. Someone outside the school or your family.
If the therapist isn’t applicable for whatever reason I am pretty sure there are support hotlines/groups where you can meetup and express safely what you’re feeling. (Not everyone has unconditional love.)
Some lies are necessary for a time out of survival. Be safe.
I hope things turn out well for you whatever you choose to do.
(This place is a safe place as well.)