I don't know how to stop forcing my emotions down

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I have a bad habit of invalidating my needs and my entire self. I feel like I don’t deserve certain things like being able to smile. I think I deserve to have nothing. My self worth is horribly low and I have no respect towards myself. I hide a lot of my pain by shoving it beneath the surface and “forgetting” about it while I live my life around the people around me “happily.” Sometimes these emotions and thoughts float up to the surface and I explode. I shove my emotions and thoughts down to forget about them for the time being. I also do this because I don’t ever know who to talk about regarding things. I think I also shove things down because I’m scared of dealing with and confronting my pain. Sometimes it’s at the wrong time and I end up telling them to “forget it” and to “not think about it” anymore. I’ve gotten used to dealing with my emotions with pain, so maybe feeling like my chest has been carved out is gratifying or validating in some way?

I feel like I don’t deserve or I shouldn’t feel things like love and happiness. There’s someone I think I have feelings for and I feel so guilty afterwards. I think it’s something that’s wrong and something that I shouldn’t be taking part of because I don’t deserve to feel that way. I’m scared of them getting closer to my heart because that’s how I got hurt before and so I’ve been pushing them away and I think my feelings for them, too.

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It sounds like you really need a good and safe listener. Do you have access to a therapist? You deserve as much happiness and respect as anyone else on the planet. I agree with you, “shoving down” emotions is very unhealthy. It can even affect you physically. It’s also understandable that if you have been suppressing emotions for a long time, facing them can be frightening. Mentioning that hanging onto the pain without expressing it, so it feels like your “chest has been carved out,” is gratifying or validating makes me wonder if those feelings of gratification or validation are actually a seemingly counterintuitive level of comfort with that kind of pain.

You mentioned that painful emotions sometimes fluid up to the surface and you explode. That is evidence that forcing your emotions down hasn’t been successful.

Sometimes when bad things happen to people, they decide they must’ve deserved it, which leads to feelings of low self-worth and esteem. Many children are raised in a culture in which shame is used as a disciplinary tool, and even before the child reaches school age, they are convinced they should always feel ashamed of themselves, hence feel low self-worth and self-esteem. Then there is the perpetual comparing of students to each other in which students are convinced of their inadequacy because they cannot live up to the comparative standards set by the few students who attain top grades. Then there are the physical comparisons in which very few people feel that they conform to the socially set standard of attractiveness.

My low self-esteem was based on all of those categories. I had further reinforcement of low self-worth and esteem when I was molested by two different people in early childhood and told that I deserved it.

Such feelings are still triggered occasionally even now, but I am usually quick to regain a sense of balance and self-worth. Recovering from a chronic sense of low self-esteem takes time.

I have found it helpful to imagine that I have a friend who is very much like me and with similar history. Then I ask myself what I would say to that person, how I would perceive and respect him. Then I realize that I deserve the same nurturing, self respect and esteem.

I really hope you can find someone with whom you can share your heart and your pain, so you can let it all come out. I’m pretty sure that if you can do that, you will see yourself in a much more positive light.

Would it help to write out your feelings? There are good listeners here.

Have you thought about therapy?

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I’m trying to get a therapist, but it’s moving slowly. Since I don’t express how I’m feeling or talk about anything much, the severity of how I’m doing is pretty much unknown. I don’t want people to know I’m struggling, I don’t want them to ask what’s wrong. If they did, I’d have to explain myself.

By the time I was away from my abuser, I had been with him for almost half my life. I think I got used to and am still used to that up and down. By that, I mean how he’d, in a metaphorical sense, rip my stitches then sew me back up constantly in a looping cycle. It’s sick to say, but it felt good to be patched up again. But all those times being ripped open and reput together created scars and that’s where I am now.

I’m trying to think things through, but I’ve had experiences away from him where I physically got hurt or injured. I was in physical pain, but a part of me also enjoyed it. This could be because of my thought that I deserve it, or it’s something that’s underlying. I think the comfort in the pain comes from how familiar is it. It’d be scary to not feel what I’ve felt for a huge portion of my life. I feel I have an odd obsession with pain and death now or something like it. I’m a month clean, but whenever I think about harming myself again, the thought “it’d feel good” pops into mind.

My low self-esteem comes from my past and being degraded everyday.

I know I should talk about it with a friend, but I’ve tired before and we were interrupted. Then I shoved it all down again. Talking about it or writing about it would help since it’s like being able to vomit it all up.

I appreciate your suggestions. From what it sounds like, you’ve regained your self worth/confidence after such events. That partially gives me motivation or hope that I won’t be stuck here forever, so thank you.

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Hey friend,

I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this and want to let you know that you’re not alone in your struggles.

this is a really common thing among people, especially those who had to deal with an abuser for any length of time.

It could also be things that happen through childhood development that go into this.

when we as human beings are subjected to negative reinforcement (abuse) for such a long time, that becomes our normal. When it becomes normal, our subconscious self is conditioned to continue seeking out the emotions and feelings that come along with this kind of life. Well after the abuse ends, the deepest parts of ourself still look for those hits of dopamine and other neurotransmitters.

It can be really confusing for people because their intuition tells them that they should be happy and what not, but their body tells them the opposite. It can almost feel like you’re wondering around purgatory blindfolded.

That said, a practice within psychiatry and therapy is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. In short, it’s an approach to help you understand this kind of thinking and slowly replacing it, or reconditioning how you think, with a more positive and beneficial one for your life.

A really simple part of this that you can try to start doing is to be as self aware as you can with your thoughts about you “not deserving” love, that you should feel low, etc. Every time you think “I’m not worth it” or something like that, catch yourself and literally tell yourself, “no, I am worth it. I am loved. I am a happy human being that deserves to live a good life.”

I used to honestly have the same outlook on my life as you do and I was genuinely miserable. I thought to myself, everyone has their own sack of rocks, why would anyone care about the rocks that I’m carrying?

It got to the point to where I didn’t open up to anyone, I didn’t share my struggles or even hint at them to my family or friends. It lead me to become genuinely isolated and not speaking to anyone outside of my coworkers during virtual work meetings. What this ended up leading to was a hospitalization and a huge wake up call.

It took me some time to do this - their’s no quick fix to stuff like this, it will indeed take time. But you will notice your life and everything about it significantly improve as you go through this process.

I started slowly opening up to my friends and family, I started to just talk to more people and show up FOR THEM - being of service to others is such a gratifying thing. It also motivates people to be there for you as well. I started spending time with my repressed emotions and the things that either angered me or hurt me and I dove into exploring how I can heal from them and know what to do for the future when these things come up.

take some time today to tell yourself that you’re a beautiful human that deserves nothing but love and happiness.

Then keep telling yourself that.

and tell others that.

Start being thankful for the small things in your life everyday.

I hope this little bit helps you understand yourself a bit more and gives you inspiration to take steps to showing yourself the love that you do indeed deserve.

stay strong my friend. You’re not alone. You are indeed loved.

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Here’s some inspriation from another HeartSupport community member!

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Hey @wren_wyn :star2:

Thank you so much for your post. I’m going to take your points in turn

  1. Invalidation
    When you invalidate yourself, you are essentially not agreeing with how you feel and are avoiding your emotions. When we talk about invalidating personal needs, this on the other hand is about ignoring the things that you enjoy, or that bring you happiness. Invalidation is a normal occurrence for most people and happens because we do not want to process the emotions we are feeling. You should be very careful in how you respond to your emotions and try to use “I” statements.

  2. Feeling Inferior
    I totally understand you feel like you aren’t deserving of positive things - e.g. love, happiness and other good feelings. These feelings usually become because we feel like we aren’t good enough for anybody. However I can assure you that you are worthy of all those things. You just need to be patient and find someone willing to help you heal and deal with past trauma.

  3. Lack of Confidence & Courage
    The two things I mentioned above are super important. Confidence in yourself and your ability willl allow you to see your self-worth more. You make a difference to so many peoples lives and that alone should keep you lifted and allow you to be confident and brave.

  4. Ignoring Pain & Hurt
    It’s easy to push our emotions down to the bottom of the barrel. By doing that we hope that they disappear or sort themselves out, but that isn’t the case. Instead it fizzes up inside of us like a shaken up soda bottle and eventually we open up and everything comes out because we cannot stop our emotions. It’s important you don’t get to this point. Maybe try something like journaling to help with this. You’ve been through a lot of trauma and sometimes the best way to deal with this is to sit and feel. Let yourself cry, let yourself deflate and be vulnerable.

  5. Feeling like you’re alone & pushing others away
    I understand how hard it must be when you feel like nobody is willing to listen to your thoughts and feelings. However you’ve taken a brave step in being open and honest with us here. There are so many people around you who care and who love you. Although having your own space is good, it’s important to have a support network around who can help you. You shouldn’t do this on your own!

  6. Self-Harm
    I’m sorry to hear that you feel like this is the best way to deal with the immense pain. However, I can assure you that there are much healthier ways. When things get tough, dry drawing, doing wordsearches, puzzles etc. Always keep your mine occupied.

I hope this has helped in some way :purple_heart:

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I think it’s understandable and also interesting what abuse does to the brain. I also like having a definite answer so I can think about it and explain it to myself further.

It sounds stupid, but I don’t know how to think of myself kindly. I know how to, but at the same time I don’t. I know the words but I can’t say/think them. When I think of myself, I think of all the flaws which makes that worthlessness feel worse.

I also don’t want to burden people. People already have their own baggage their dealing with, so I don’t want to give them mine and make them carry double the weight. I only have one friend I’m close to in the sense that I tell them everything and they know everything, but they have their own stuff, too. I find it difficult to talk to my family about my past since they’ve been judgemental about it before. They don’t trust me so I’ve lost my trust in them. I’m numb to it right now, but it got to the point where I didn’t feel safe at home or on campus because both places felt suffocatingly judgemental. I don’t talk a lot for this reason; I’ve withdrawn myself from society as much as I can which I know is probably the worst thing to do.

I have such a difficult time being kind to myself that it’s kind of pathetic. I don’t know why. When I think of myself, I think of nothing, my mind goes blank. I know it’s simple self validation stuff, but I don’t see a point if I don’t believe it, but that’s just me and my contradicting personality. I think a part of me is scared to face the emotions and thoughts since I have been judge for them before. I’m worried someone will invalidate how I’m feeling again, or discount things. I know that my friend wouldn’t and they never had, but if feels as if that fear is ingrained in me by now.

But thank you. I’ll think of ways to try and sneak myself to think kindly. I don’t want to do it directly right now otherwise I’ll shoot it down self consciously. Maybe a letter to my future self or what I’d tell my younger self, I’m not sure. But you’ve got the gears in my mind turning so I’ll find an answer eventually

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It’s hard to love myself because I don’t respect myself. When I think of me, it’s a bunch of mistakes. I feel like in order to be worthy of something, you have to earn it. I don’t know how to earn my worth.

I’m not sure how I make a difference for people when I’m glum. I’m normal, nothing special. I have an average IQ, an average height, and average looks. I’m only myself and as much as I hate that, I cannot change it. I can’t do much for people other than write since talking is something that makes me nervous, but writing isn’t all that exciting.

I feel like I’m shooting everything down and now I feel bad.

I guess I’m not all that terrible. There’s very few redeeming aspects about myself. I’ve been told that I’m consistent in being there for people, really my one close friend. They’ve told me how I’ve made them happier and mentally better because of it which I don’t understand. I’m far from being a charming people person. I’m dark and depressing, but maybe there’s comfort in the truth.

I usually write poems if I’m feeling a strong emotion. Or I’d harm myself, but I’m trying to get over that now. I actually cannot cry for some reason. My eyes burn and my throat feels stuffy, but no tears ever drop. It’s frustrating when I want to cry but physically can’t. So I write instead, even though that has been judged, too. I could rant about this for a while.

Wednesday I’ll be clean for 1 month and 1 week which is the most I’ve ever gone before. Though, I did attempt to cut a week ago but it wasn’t working. I’m doing fine with it, I suppose. I forget that I used to do it until I see my scars, which I guess is a good thing that I’m not constantly thinking about it

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Hello there, @wren_wyn :wave:t2:

First of all, thank you for your reply. It’s great to talk about these issues.

Respecting yourself and loving yourself are the two most important things. Self love involves embracing and accepting who you are, without judgement or critiques. However it’s also about the relationship you have with yourself - you have to talk to yourself in a positive manner so that you are almost hyping yourself up. However, it’s also about self-care, forgiveness and appreciation. It’s so important you take care of yourself and allow yourself to forgive of past mistakes. Instead just appreciate the positive things in life.

Society and friend groups do place tough expectations on us all. The harsh truth is that your worth in todays society is measured by how much money you earn and what stage of life you are at. However it doesn’t have to be this way. Family can also have an influence on how high we set our expectations. It’s clear you want to make your family proud, but please don’t do this at the cost of your own mental health. It’s important to remember that trauma can make you question your worth too. Healing is so important. It’s important not to let social media define your perception of yourself either.

It’s clear that you don’t like yourself as you are. The fact you want to change is commendable, and your already taking good and positive steps to be a better person. I would advise asking yourself what it is about you that you like, and what you don’t like, and then put them into a list. That will give you an all-round sense of who you are. It’s so important to stay true to yourself and not let others define who you are!

Talking to people can be very nerve-wracking. Especially if it’s for the first time. I find writing a comfort too. I enjoy writing poems, and I’m currently writing my own book about life experience growing up in the 21st century in the hope that it may inspire and resonate with others. This might be an Avenue for you to explore? It’s clear that writing has become a coping mechanism and a tool to help distract your thoughts from self-harm.

It’s good that you recognise your positive attributes. These are personal to you and you should hold them very highly in your heart. They are what makes you, you. Nobody can and should try to take these away from you. You seem like a real supportive person which is what we all need.

Recovery is not linear. You know this from your setbacks, but you’ve made great progress already and you should be so proud of yourself :star2:

Keep up the good work! :green_heart:

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Thank you, I appreciate you even taking the time to look at my post. Also, your book sounds interesting, I wish you the best of luck regarding it.

Here’s the list I made about myself:

Likes: doesn’t know when to give up, always strives for the best, always there for friends, caring, kind, selfless, forgiving, fascinated by stupid things, goes on stupid nerd rants, gentle, thoughtful, giving, sweet, cold, biggest competition is myself, soft, careful, unconditional, consistent, trustworthy.

Dislikes: disgusting, follows urges, doesn’t think, brash, selfish, worthless, repulsive, dumb, average, can’t pick up social cues, socially awkward, ignorant, self hating, loveless, broken, sleep deprived, depressed, suicidal, cutter, and a burden.

I’m careful to not let others define me. I’m not exactly a people person. Even if someone did say something, I’d probably laugh in their face (also because I seem to laugh during bad things).

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I completely understand where you’re at with things and why you have the blocks in the way of expressing this side of yourself to others and towards yourself.

I’m really happy that you’ve come to this forum, though. You at least are expressing yourself here and, I hope, in a way that you’re comfortable with. A lot of people in this community have gone through or are going through similar things that you are…so you’re not alone. We all embrace you with open arms here as we’re all on our own journey, all dealing with our own things, but in this fight together.

being kind to yourself isn’t pathetic. It’s a result of constant invalidation of who you are, the traumatic things and experiences you’ve gone though. It’s ultimately a protection mechanism as a way for your brain and body to preserve itself form further harm.

It can be really hard to be kind to yourself, especially when you’re so used to not being that way. it truly does take time. A little by little. One thing at a time…the next right thing. Start small and simple, but be consistent. One simple thing that I do when I find myself in a bad place mentally is I stand outside and feel the wind/breeze hit my face. I close my eyes, take it all in, take a deep breath and think about how freaking beautiful that moment felt. Little things like that regularly go a long way.

I also have a philosophy that I live by now. For a time, I was going to a buddhist monestary to learn the teachings as well as do a guided meditation with a monk. After one of these meditations, I had a kind of epiphany.

At our cores, our souls if you must, we are just children. Our child selves get scared, lost, fearful, closed off as we start to deal with what life trows at us. That kid, though, needs encouragement to come out - thats our true self.

I approach it like this: I imagine that the way I talk to myself should be the way I should talk to my own child (I don’t have one, just a metaphor). For example, when that child (me) messes up, am I going to tell him that he’s an F up, he’s not going to amount to anything, that everybody hates me because I can’t do simple things, that no one loves me? Or am I going to tell him things like, hey kid, you tried and I’m really proud of you, You may have messed up, but that’s great - it gives you an opportunity to learn and do it better next time!, I know it sucked to miss the mark there, but go at it again, you got this!

Given what I say to that child (again, me) what do you think that little boy would feel like in either case? Now apply that to your life.

Another thing is to set a small goal for yourself everyday. When I hit rock bottom and was so depressed that I couldn’t get out of bed, getting out of bed was my goal. Achieving that small stated goal was enough to give me confidence to start building on that. Over time, it’s turned into bigger and more challenging goals, but not so challenging that I can’t achieve them. Even with these simple things that you already do like getting out of bed, brushing your teeth, etc. if you write them down and then cross them off as you go along it will give you a sense of achievement…and then gratitude. Reward yourself by telling yourself job well done…even with the simple things.

Lastly, I do this regularly, but I put on positive affirmations before I go to sleep and have them play through the entire night. It’s not an immediate fix, but over time your brain will get more accustomed to receiving positive affirmations and you may just find yourself thinking some through your day. Here’s one that I like to use:

This will all build off each other and hopefully help you achieve the life you desire! but…YOU have to be the one that keeps it going.

there is a life worth living out there for you. I believe that you can get there. Stay in there, friend. Stay strong!

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Thank you.

I’ve never thought about responding to myself as if it was a younger or child version of me. It makes sense and maybe I could try it out. But then the realist side of me is picking at all the awkward things I’d do since I’m absolutely (not) great with kids. In all seriousness, I’d probably stare blankly and then say something along the lines of, “you tried your best and that’s all you could do. If you could’ve done better, then that’s what would’ve happened. Now, let’s go home,” (back to reality/safe space).

I don’t know where to start with goals because there’s so many things I have to do and would like to do. I suppose I could start with showering more regularly. Or on the weekends, brushing my teeth when I wake up like I do on the weekdays. Though, it feels minute. I think I have too high of expectations for myself and that’s why, ahah

Nevertheless, thank you for taking the time to reply. I’ve been thinking about writing/journaling, so maybe I’ll actually do that instead of letting my notebooks rot

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