For years and years, I’ve been hopeless. Decades of trauma, PTSD, anxiety, abusive relationships, substance abuse, suicidal tendencies and a failing marriage. But through the shitstorm, I’ve come out the other side happier than ever.
It took a lot for me to realize what I needed was help, and it was so difficult to set aside my pride to ask for it. I’ve been through a lot in my 31 years but I’m here to say it gets better. It truly does. You just need to ask for help. It’s ok to ask.
Since I was 13, I’ve dealt with sexual abuse, which I never truly got over even to this day, and it led me astray, on a path of falling into unhealthy relationships, not knowing how to set boundaries; it led me to substance abuse, suicide attempts, and years of hopelessness. It all comes down to that traumatic 5 years of consistent sexual abuse that broke my very being into a million little pieces and I lost sight of who I really was deep down. I was a shell. I still blame him, and I will never ever forgive - that’s just not something I’m comfortable with or capable of yet, but today I am proud to say that I’m alive and I’m finally happy.
It’s been a long hard journey. If you’ve followed along my posts, you know the gist of my story, but I’m so thankful for the support and the love that I’ve received here. Heart Support was my very first step to asking for help. This very forum allowed me to open up about all of the demons that I tried to silence on a daily basis with substances - it gave words to the emotions that I was feeling and opened up all of those wounds that just refused to heal. I did the work. I went through therapy, I took the medication, I read all of the books, I lost myself in nature, I made the difficult changes to my lifestyle, I got rid of everything and everyone that did not bring me happiness, and at the end, I found myself again.
Once I started my medication, I felt like I was evolving, changing on a deeper level, one that I couldn’t really even comprehend. The first few weeks were ROUGH, not going to lie to you. But I stuck it out and I came out so much better once the medication stabilized my mental health. I felt alive for the first time in so long. My mind was quiet, the sadness was almost gone, but I knew that I needed to do more to achieve the happiness I desired. I knew I had to leave my husband.
My husband was addicted to video games, and unwilling to better his or our life together. He was baggage that I just wasn’t strong enough to carry anymore. I filed for divorce and it was final in May of this year. He moved out shortly after, back home with his family states away, and with him out of the picture I finally started to thrive.
Since then, I’ve set boundaries with friends and family, allowed myself to be myself after all this time, opened up about things that I normally would have kept quiet about, did things that I wanted to do but was always afraid to. I’ve opened myself up to this world after being closed off from it for so long, just hiding and cowering in my fear. Now I’m smiling from ear to ear, excited for the future and making big plans.
I’m so much better than I was before, not fully cured, but better. And that’s progress. I never want to go back to the way that I was so I’m going to continue to the do the work so that I forge ahead and carve out the life that I have always wanted to live, no matter what. Nothing is holding me back now.
You can do it too, you know. It just takes a lot of work, a little time and a lot of faith that YOU can be the one to change your life.
Thank you to everyone that has helped me and provided words of encouragement along my journey. You are truly amazing, beautiful souls and I wish nothing but the absolute best for you.
