Back to heartsupport

I don't know if I'll make it


#1

I’m sorry to be so blue but I honestly don’t know where else I can talk about this. At times I feel like two different people… the one I am when I’m well and the one I am when I’m having an episode. I form these connections with people love them dearly and hold them close. But then when they hurt me I damage the relationship, sometimes beyond repair. So then this version of me who doesn’t want to hurt a fly has to live with the wicked things I’ve said. I’ve been through therapy but recently realized that I don’t put much effort into using the tools it gave me. Because I went to therapy to STOP losing people but then just ended up losing more through trying to assert what I need to be happy. So I gave up and stopped. Then I become miserable because I’m living life for others. Then I lash out and hurt people and become more alone. Either way people always seem to leave me behind. I’m afraid I’m toxic. That I don’t deserve friends. So scared that if I let anyone close at all they will see the darkness in me and run too. I feel like I deserve to be alone. And if that’s the case… then really why live at all. Because all I really want is friendship and a little bit of love. I break everything I touch and with every person I hurt I hate myself more and more. It’s a cycle of pain and loneliness that never ends and I just want it to be over.


#2

Dear @LittleRainbow
We’re here for you. Everybody in HS is here to help you, so don’t be afraid to open up further, either here or in a PM. I can assure you that nobody here with good intentions won’t run away from you.
People who run away from you aren’t good friends, 'nuff said. True friends will know the demons you’re facing, and will accept you for who you are.
You talk about wanting friendship and a bit of love. You can get that here, you’re in good hands.
Stay strong, you are loved :slight_smile:


#3

Hey @LittleRainbow, I’m sorry you feel this way about yourself and to be honest I feel can feel that way too about myself at times. I wholeheartedly believe and agree that you should be living your life for yourself and not for others, but we are both alike in that there are people in our lives that we hold dear and don’t want to damage the connection we have. Obviously I don’t know the context of how other people “hurt” you, but I personally try to focus on the qualities about the people I hold dear and simply choose to ignore what I disagree with about them, if that makes any sense. Maybe you should try using the tools your therapist gave you again, or maybe you should talk to them about other ways you can approach these situations in your life.

Ultimately, I just want to let you know that you’re not alone and that you’re loved here!


#4

@adam_actual Thank you for replying. I have been bringing the skills back in slowly and reconnecting with local services. I have an appointment at the beginning of next month to go back on meds. I think part of the pain I’m feeling is realizing that the people I surrounded myself with were holding me down and sort of enabling me and making excuses for me etc. It hurts because I love them and don’t want to abandon them but their choices/baggage/world view are sort of… pulling me in a direction I don’t want to go. I usually try to overlook the differences I have with people and don’t tell them how to live their lives. But I have strong negative triggers tied to breaches of trust or abandonment. Whether it’s real or perceived. I’m on a good path, just really feeling the pains of loss and guilt tonight.


#5

Thanks for this. I find I can be way too loyal to people who would drop me in a second. I needed this reminder to focus on who is still here and not on those who chose to leave.


#6

Good friends are lifelong. You’ll know who they are because through thick and thin, they’re right there with you. If you ever need a listening ear, I’m here for you


#7

@LittleRainbow I totally get it! Even when we feel like we’re starting to turn the corner, the negative feelings and effects can still be difficult to shake off. But I’m glad to hear that you’re making positive plans and taking the necessary steps! That’s half the battle right there. And I get how difficult it can be when the choices of loved ones can drag you or put your mind in a negative place, eventually we all have to decide whether our connection with them is worth more than our own peace of mind. But I hope you continue taking steps in the right direction to assist in your own mental health, and we’re always here if you need to talk!


#8

@Danny @adam_actual Thank you both. I feel a little less hopeless than I did when I first posted. I may take you guys up on your offer to talk more in future but I think it might be time to turn in for the night. But truly, you’ve made a huge difference in my day. Much gratitude.


#9

Hey @LittleRainbow thank you for coming here and trusting us <3

I know what you mean feeling like you’re 2 different people… One minute you feel like everything is getting better and you can overcome anything, next thing, you’re at your rock bottom and don’t know how you can possibly go on. I have been in and out of therapy for years, and I realised that it will only work when you’re READY for it… I went into it initially because it was what the people who cared about me wanted, but it just made me worse because it was another chore to do. Now I know I WANT to be there because I don’t want to be stuck in this hole… I get days where I don’t feel like I want to get better, and honestly, that’s a lot at the moment, and it’s totally OK on days like those to tell yourself you gotta keep living for someone else… If that’s what gets you through that day, that’s fine. I don’t think I’d be alive right now if on those days I didn’t tell myself I have someone else who wanted me alive.

You WILL make it. You CAN do this. Keep coming back to the wall, join the community discord and watch the live streams… We’re all here for you.

Hold Fast
Kayla


#10

Hold Fast @LittleRainbow


#11

@LittleRainbow feeling toxic can be a really terrible feeling. how can we heal from this and change this way of thinking. We all have this thought sometimes. So know you are not alone on this. If we screw up with a friendship we feel so overwhelmed and think dang how will I ever come back from this. Well you are valued as a human being. I really want you to know that. Learn to be true to yourself and learn to be consistent in your feeling with everyone. Learn from you mistakes and you will grow.

Love
Morgan


#12

Thank you so much for this. It gave me lots to think about and bring up with my social worker. I really appreciate you taking the time to do this for me. Some wise words here and the drawing is wonderful.


#13

That’s kinda how I feel… ready to leave the hole and live life for me. I think the road will be hard but it’s nice to know I’m not the only one that struggles with this.