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I don't know... something confusing

I can’t do anything right… I just push people away, especially those I hold dear… I snap at them and just tread them like shit… building walls meters high and making sure there are more so people really can’t get inside… and when they are, I do everything to push them back out, because they deserve better. I’m an anti social ass who just pushes away… tried to be more social this past week, but it drains so much at the end of it and I just spiral out of control. Why did I say that? omg this will definitely be used against me later. How can I be so stupid? I’m not meant for this… I’m not meant to have loving people around… I’m starting to second guess everything…
Yeah I know this is a confusing post and I don’t even know what this is… sorry… I’m sorry for this, I’m sorry for pushing everyone away, I’m sorry I take up this space and that I don’t know what to do with it…

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Thanks for reaching out to Heart Support.
I’m not a clinical psychiatrist. When I read over your feelings, I find a few things stand out.
You mentioned that “because they deserve better”. I’m curious about that. No one has it all together. Some are really good at hiding what they deem as a flaw(s).
Sometimes people push others away because they fear others will ask things of them that they aren’t prepared or able to do. Sometimes it’s because they are introverts and honestly don’t have the biological or psychological energy to give to others. Sometimes people are wounded so deeply by something that they just can’t allow themselves to be that vulnerable again. And yet other times, they themselves have been subject to abuse(s), negativity to the point of toxicity or self-talk that just grinds themselves into despair.
There can be many reasons why people push others out of their lives. Do any of these resonate with you? It could be a combination of these things. Or maybe something entirely different. Trust for some people is too hard. It’s easier to push people away. I don’t think your stupid, I think you’re hurting. I think you want relationships but deep down inside, you are afraid of what will happen.
I’m glad you choose to reach out. It’s a step in self-discovery that can lead to things getting easier. Perhaps talking with a professional counselor will help you see yourself in a new and refreshing light. Understanding the “why” behind what we do, helps us to move forward in reaching the goals we really want. This takes time to figure out, but it’s an investment of time in a happier you. Thanks again for reaching out! Peace out to you.

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I know someone like that and I understand how you feel. Having the courage and humility to reach out and talk about it is the first step. I commend you.

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I feel a lot of what you are saying from various points in my life. It’s a continuous process to break down those walls yourself, or at the very least understand where and why you want doors installed, so to speak. I closed myself off for many years and become somewhat of a husk of anger and stone walling behavior, I also attempted to force myself into that extrovert space as well with limited success. I would echo a lot of Optimistically_Existing said as well as far as taking the time to turn the uncomfortable lens inward about what narrative/feelings you’re having and where they might have come from or even if they are really true/useful to begin with. I am still working on myself through much of this, and I personally ended up seeking out therapy. Therapy is work, but it’s worth investing in yourself and your ability to find your own worth in the context of you, not what you feel the mold for you should be, if that makes sense. There’s no weakness in building strength, be it emotional, physical, mental. It took me years to get to the point where I could talk to my issues in the way you posted here, so just know that I am proud of you, and you have every right to be proud of you reaching out as well!

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Sweet Nyn,

It’s okay to put walls sometimes. It’s your way to defend yourself, to cope with painful feelings, to say “I’m hurting so please don’t make it worse”. It doesn’t make you a bad person and people who love you won’t love you less for that. I put walls too. Social withdrawal and silence is my way to go. And the more I fall into this the more I feel like shit, want to hide and apologize. We’re just doing as we can. And it’s probably in these moments that we need to be more gentle with ourselves. Because there’s a lot of vulnerability and pain, and no need to add more guilt for having feelings. I hope when there’s one of these walls that prevent you from connecting to the people you love the way you want, then you keep in your heart that you are truly loved. And nothing, absolutely nothing changes that. This knowledge will keep helping you to speak with your heart when you feel more at peace with yourself.

I know sometimes it can be hard to discuss and reach out without feeling like our own mind is sabotaging ourselves. It’s like being divided between what we know and how we feel. And sometimes how we feel is just too deep and intense, it feels like it’s devastating everything. It places us in this spot of spiraling with the same thoughts and lies again and again. But I’ve never seen you giving up though. You keep reaching out. You keep allowing others to help you break down this wall. That’s so important, and very brave. And whether someone responds or not is their responsibility and decision.

I can only talk from a very personal perspective, but we had our share of painful discussions together and that’s okay. Because there’s also enough understanding, and enough trust to say it when something’s off limit - and that’s what we did. I don’t see it as a lack of respect because that’s not where your heart is. I see it as a moment when a dear friend is struggling, when I’m not necessarily talking to them but more to this little voice stuck in their head. This knowledge, this trust, this possibility to have a place where things can be said without being guilted or judged… that’s precious. Being okay with the fact that nothing can be perfect all the time, that sometimes we have to scream, but fortunately we have people in our life to hear it and handle it without adding more guilt - only a sense of responsibility and fairness. And you know what? For most of my life I’ve been surrounded by people who never understood that. People who were always seeing things as black and white and honesty as a threat. I had to shut up and handle feelings that weren’t mine for a very long time and at my own expense. When I dared to open up, I was blamed for it. But you don’t do that. And that’s incredibly valuable in the world we’re living in right now. That’s incredibly valuable to me. I treasure your vulnerability as it allows you to be you and grow, even from your own dissatisfaction. The possibility to communicate, to be honest, vulnerable, to trust AND to love without any pressure or particular expectation. THAT is the paramount of friendship to me.

You’re not a bad person. You’re not a monster. You don’t steal time and space from others. Your self-doubt doesn’t make you less worthy of love and care. I am truly blessed to know you. And my only wish is to see my friend being perseverant and to keep fighting back against the lies in their head, no matter what. Because you don’t deserve those. And as long as I’m around and you’ll allow me to do it, I’ll keep doing my best to raise a shield against it. So please keep raising yours against the lies in your mind as well, and not against you. You’re not your own enemy. You are your very first ally. It takes strength and humility to fight as you do. I’m proud of you.

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I can relate a lot to this post. I described myself as an ugly person who was too flawed to be anything more than tolerable at best. I spent a lot of time trying to push my friends away and not letting anyone in. In the end, there were a few that stuck by me, and they are really precious to me.

I didn’t know I could be unconditionally loved until I met my wife. Before that, everyone found something wrong with me, or pointed out ways I should or shouldn’t be. I internalized all of it as character flaws that I was imposing on everyone around me. When I started testing the relationship with my wife to see how long she’d stick around, and she still accepted me just as I was, I realized I could be worthy of love. Today, I only have 2 old friends who I let inside, I don’t really want more, and that’s okay with me. There are things I won’t even talk with my wife about, but I have the rest of my life to work on that. The old walls aren’t really gone, but I’m not putting up new ones. Now I have new friends who I don’t try to push away. I don’t have to try to be anything specific with them, I can just be, and that’s good enough.

Me telling you all this won’t change your outlook right away, and that’s okay too. Start with considering that it’s not as simple as either letting people in or pushing them away. Start with considering that people can just be around you, chilling around your walls, and maybe for awhile that’s good enough. For whatever the hell it’s worth, you didn’t come here to push us away, and we love you for coming as you are, brokenness and all.

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