Hey so to start, sorry if i don’t interact with comments much. I see all of them and read every single one in its entirety and I appreciate the support. It makes me feel less lonely and happy that people see me because im used to people not hearing me and i know i always say that but its true. When i mean hear, i mean fully listen to everything i have to say, bit by bit. And then try to understand me.
(I’m gonna talk as if im conversating with someone so sorry if its long)
Just want to talk about something. I’m feel better today. I decided I’m just going go to stay in my bubble and not concern myself with anything outside of me right now. My environment and my world is very stressful and I don’t think I’m ready to handle it. So many things are going on.
I think I started to latch on to the least stressful parts of my life. The parts where I wasn’t hurting as much. Like I was very young. And I feel comfortable here right now, being a small child again. Delving into fandoms I used to enjoy.
Also I just remembered that one time also trigger warning but I remember the first time I had overdosed in a suicide attempt 2 years ago. I felt high and dizzy in bed at like 2am. I was scrolling through my social feed to pass the time because I didn’t want to sleep and I knew it wasn’t gonna work after 3 hours of nothing happening. This was also during the time that where I was super superstitious and still am by the way, a little. Wanted my spirit guides to come get me so bad, because I was done. And then I got a bunch of tarot videos which I weren’t really looking for. They described my situation perfectly and it was really weird but also comforting. Like 3 or 4 videos in a row. But that could also be the algorithm working its magic or something.
Sat there until morning, went downstairs and sat on the couch with tremors, staring off into space. I looked sickly, im surprised my parents didn’t notice anything that day.
Sometimes I still think about that time. And other times weird stuff happens when I get suicidal. Like something comes up when I want to do it and it gets me to stay a bit. Like I get my favorite food, something that inspires me, small things. Or I get really sleepy so I can’t even get up to try. Like i’m being prevented by something.
When I cry, my parrot likes to wipe my tears or cuddle. Its cute and it makes me feel a little better. Or whenever I looked depressed to them. She used to be sweet and shy as a baby but now she’s older and has adopted my craziness. She still gives cuddles though
I like talking, knowing that people listen to me. I can get all my words out. I have a lot of other stories too. And I don’t have mean people to belittle me or my intelligence. Makes me realize, I have not been around the right people at all. I am messed up for sure.