My boyfriend of almost 6 months broke up with me out of nowhere two days ago, im in highschool and working a demanding job, and my parents want me to be the perfect child and keep my room spotless and get good grades. They keep piling on me and wont let me breathe and be sad over the breakup. And i am devastated over the breakup and i cant stop crying and everything else seems like its just making it harder for me to function. Tonight my parents were screaming at me and i yelled at them to stop and it just got worse. Im currently in my room on the floor in the dark trying not to self harm or do anything worse, i need help and support, im falling apart
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hey @abi. i know you dont want to hear this, but i need you to calm down. youre fuming off emotions right now and the last thing you need to do, is act on them. i understand, trust me, that break ups suck. but try to see it from your parents point of view. they dont want to see you all messed up over a kid who clearly doesnt deserve you. youll see in time that he didnt deserve you. try to focus on your work. itll keep you distracted. dont let your grades slip and dont lose focus on whats important – you. please do your best tonight to go to sleep, cry yourself to sleep if you need to, but remember that he does not define your worth. think of it as a blessing in disguise. the universe works in fucked up ways sometimes, but i promise you, you will get past this. take your time, be sad, but please dont let it affect other aspects of your life. this is a building block for you and your future. i believe in you. please take care of yourself.
Breakups suck, everyone goes through them… But its never the end of your journey… Nothing just gets easier, its all at most just making babysteps towards being able to walk again… One day time will heal the wound, and youll be stronger for it
@Abi I’m so sorry that you lost someone you love. I know this pain. I know right now it feels all consuming and that it will never heal. Surviving and overcoming the pain we all experience is not an over night thing. Theres no light switch to make it better. It’s going to take time. Know that you are a wonderful beautiful human being and you deserve time to heal.
I’m sorry your parents didnt respond differently. I bet had they held you and asked you to talk about it. said they understood and were there for you it would have made a big difference.
Parents are human too and dont always know the best way to handle things. They do love you because they in their own way are fighting for you. They are probably hurting inside to see you hurt and in their own trying to get you to fight back to move forward to focus on yourself and studies. They just forgot to validate your pain and show compassion.
Forgive them… parents aren’t perfect. But you have parents and they care. 2 things to be grateful for. You are smart … you have a safe place your bedroom to cry and process your pain… 2 more things to be grateful for… I say this because in this time of pain if you can hold on to the little things to find the blessings and find gratitude in the things you do have it will help the healing.
I know the pain is great now. Try and not overwhelm yourself with thoughts of everything you have to juggle. Right now close your eyes and take some deep breaths through your diaphragm.
Theres a thing called 4 square breathing. Dont think about anything else. Just breath in counting in your head to four. Hold it for four then exhale slowly counting to 4. Repeat but counting to three on the inhale and exhale then 2 until you reach one.
If you have any lavendar oil or spray try breathing that in or spraying it on your pillow. I just want you to be able to relax and find a way to manage the pain in the current moment so you dont self harm.
We all care about you. You deserve space to mourn your loss. To grieve. Perhaps your parents are afraid you will get stuck in the pain.
Once you’ve calmed down maybe have a calm talk with them. You can do something I learned in DBT. First validate your parents feelings. Let them you you appreciate that they care and you know they are worried about you getting stuck in this pain. That you’re grateful they care so much. Hopefully by validating their feelings and point of view that will leave them open to hearing what you need.
Then state what you need calmly. Let them know that your studies and such are important to you but so was this person. And like anyone in life when they lose someone you need to be able to grieve. If you dont allow yourself to grieve … if you stuff it down and March on I liken it to splinters in the body.
When you ignore emotional pain it’s like a splinter left untreated … it gets infected over time … and if you handle all your pain that way one day you’ll find your body full of splinters. I know it hurts but it’s always better to deal with the pain of the splinter when it happens rather than later.
Let them know you need to grieve. But that you’ll put a time frame on it… not expecting it to be healed but if you let them know that they’ll see you arent planning on staying stuck but that you need space to hurt. Hopefully this will help them understand.
Maybe get an idea of the things that will help you move thru your grief. Like exercising or painting … journaling… making a good bye ritual like you are saying good bye and letting go of that person … so if your parents are still afraid maybe their hearts will be eased to see that you are wise enough to see the steps you need to take to move thru and heal this pain … that you love yourself enough to say my pain is important … you are important and you have enough self love to ask for what you need to heal…
Maybe this will help them hear you … to validate your pain and console you… then try your best to find loving ways to feel and release the pain… one step at a time one day at a time one breath at a time.
We are always here for you. I’m sorry you are hurting. I know with love its painful. You deserve love start with loving yourself to keep yourself safe. Sending out lots of hugs. Its hard to see it now but one day you will find love again.
Hi Abi.
Break ups suck. Not being able to process it the way we need to on top of school also sucks. I’m sorry my friend. I know it can be really stressful and frustrating when your parents and family don’t offer you the understanding you need. But, yelling at them and fighting back won’t help them understand what’s going on.
Maybe you can take the night to just collect your thoughts, get some rest and then maybe tomorrow you can talk to your parents calmly. Let them know you’re sorry for yelling. You’re just hurting and have a lot of emotions that you’re trying to process. Explain to them that the breakup, schoolwork and chores all feel really overwhelming and see if maybe you can have a couple days to recollect yourself. Maybe by doing this, and promising that you’ll do your work and responsibilities after those couple days, maybe they’ll be more understanding.
I don’t know your relationship with your parents, or the rules of your house hold, but I learned at a very young age that yelling didn’t get me anywhere. No matter how much I was in the right. I found that people struggle to hear me out and what I’m trying to say when I’m stressing at them and raising my voice. So I’d wait till I collected myself and had a calm mind and then tried to talk to them. That way everyone can be respectful and receiving. It’s so much easier to hear each other out when things are calm and being expressed gently.
I’m sure your parents love you very much and only want what’s best for you. I’m sure they care that you’re hurting over your breakup. They probably just don’t want it to interfere with your studies either. It may feel like they are being hard on you, but often it’s just because they know if you get distracted from it, later it could cause more stress and more work for you. And that would suck to. Maybe they just struggled in showing you how much they care by being concerned in wanting to see you excel and do well.
Talk about it. But try to do it calmly. (: If they see you want to talk respectfully I bet they will embrace you warmly. React and talk to others the way you would like for them to talk to you. It really does help.
I hope that things work out friend. And that your parents will hear you. I hope too that you can heal from this hurt that you’re currently facing. Maybe if you are able to tidy your room a little, maybe you can have some time to hang out with friends later. Friend hangs are a great therapy for break ups! Someone who can likely relate and will probably listen even better. I hope you are able to find someone to listen and comfort you.
Stay strong sweetheart
- Kitty