Im still processing this but my mom just said to me “its either me killing myself or you going to boarding school”. We where talking and having a fun time and I brought up somethng about boarding schools, and that lead into an arguement. “I dont mind if you send me to a boarding school honestly just dont send me to an abusive one” she responded with “its either that or ill kill my self” she then said " you know i have a plan and I was going to execute it the only reason im not is you staying here with me for Christmas" straight to my face we wherent even arguing, it was a calm conversation i was flabbergasted in better words. For better context im a young teenager like not even in highschool almost but not yet and i struggle with anger issues, being reactive and mental disorders healing from truma ive recently been put in an outpaitent program to help me and ive only been here for 2 weeks ive learned coping skills, got new medication and im working on my self i fully admit that im not perfect and i have alot of issues, and flaws but im really trying to work on my self. My mom is a narcissistic manipulater who plays victim a lot, she also has an lot of unheald truma from her childhood wich she projects onto me. My parents fight a lot over mainly money, every other week ill wake up to screaming, crying, and fights. Im in other terms the scapegoat child, if my parents fight and they need a way to relive that anger they dieect it to me anger, blame, fights are mostly directed to me if someone has a stressful day and they need to yell at someone its me i think its because im the most reactive out of my siblings and setting me off, triggering me gives them fuel it satisfies them in a way. I hate how im so reactive, like 2 years ago if you messed with me, insulted me, laughed at me id go off on you hurl insults, sometimes get physicallly violent but that was only with my family. I only ever got like that with my imdeiate family, like if anyone else did the same thing my parents did i would get upset but instead of reactibg the way i usually do i would apologize and cry i only get violent with my family many times when i was younger my mom would say things like “why are you so good at school but horrible with me? Teachers are always commenting on how calm and caring you are” snd then she proceeds to say how my mood changes when i get home. Now that im older, and getting therapy ive been better not the best granted but i really am trying when every anyone in my family dsys something, insults me or i mess up instead of immediately reacting I use my coping skills and either walk away or try to have a conversation with my parents on how im feeling. When my mom said that to me, how the way i reacted to the environment i was in made her feel that way it made me feel shitty and horrible i never mean to hurt anyone, i love my family so much and im so thankful for them they sacrificed so much for us, the children and when ever they arent fighting or hurling insults i love to spend time with them but when my house spirals it spirals bad and i uesed to react with anger saying things i never mean what i say im just so caught up in the moment. I hate how im so reactive, i hate how i react when my mom judges me or when she and my dad are having a screaming match and i would react so badly. I hate how i say those things but never mean it and watch the effect it has on my mom. No mater how many times im insulted, rediculed, judged ill still love my parents to death. The insults thst come from them at this point dont even hurt me, i tried talking with my parents that insulting me dosent help and it hurts but they respond with how i deserve it, how i started the fight, how if i never faught with them in the first place they wouldnt call me insults and how im the problem. I dont want my mom to kill herself she is the only mother i have and id be broken if she was gone, she said to me that “if you act better, imprive your self and stop ruining me i wont kill myself” . Sometimes i wish when ever they fought or yelled at me that id just shut up that i wouldnt scream back i hate it. This isnt even the first time she has done it she did it last christmas, and once she said to me that i was the one who made my brother sucidal. I wish id just shut up sometimes. Ive tried family therapy, communicating, anything but its like a cycle. My parents have said to my face that im a villian, i have no empathy, no conscious they mock me, its like im so utterly alone in a house of 4 people it ruins some part of you when you hear your own mom say stuff like “watch out she is in her mood” or “maybe we should kick her out” its so heart wrenching thats not even the worst of what they have said to me, i have a list of all the insults thats been hurled at me. I feel like a monster in my own home
I know ive been posting here frequently and i dont want it to seem like im attention seeking or anything of that matter its just that, this helps me get my emotions out during stressful events its hard to speak about it to my therapist because i just dont know how to discribe it everyone here is absolutely amazing human beings who i admire and wish i was.
Im going to talk to my therspist on monday and just try any way to cope.
we’re here to support you, listen to you. You matter, and you’re valuable to the world. I do hope that you can have some positive self-talk, and think well of yourself. No-one asks for their struggles, and it can be scary and tiring, but keep strong friend. You sound like you have already have had progress.