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I don't know what to do at this point

It’s really all my fault it truly is. I keep trying to make it better and it keeps getting worse. It started with me saying something i shouldn’t have right after we got married, i saw he was getting mad for the first time we were fighting. I got so scared i flip flopped my words i started a lie that continued for 3 months then he finally got it out of me. My not understanding why all of it was such a big deal. Then it progressed he would ask more and more questions saying very mean things making me feel bad about myself because he felt bad about himself. I couldn’t handle it anymore but i wanted more then anything to be with him and it hit the point i felt he was already gone claiming he was cheating just to upset and scare me. I finally snapped i went online for reassurance just to talk to feel like a human when i shouldn’t have tried to find an outlet like that making an online affair. Which i told myself it was wrong and i was going to stop until her found it. Making it all cave in more. He stayed with me, some days claiming he is sorry, he loves me so much, he wants to start over her will never leave me. Others i am horrible words, he is leaving, he is divorcing me, etc. I hurt i hurt so bad and hate myself for what i have done. I’ve been told i need to leave that though i did bad i dont deserve to be treated the way i am but i can’t i cant get myself to leave i feel like things could get better i just want to be with him. But today started good, and then went down hill fast to the point i am sitting at work trembling trying to contain myself as he ignores me. I’m scared. I’m so afraid he had to take me to work today so he can go get divorce papers or other things. I don’t understand why it has to be like this. I feel like i deserve it though, i hate myself, what is wrong with me.

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Hi @anne.help2448. From what I can read, it doesn’t sound like a good situation at all with your husband. If he really, truly loved you and cared for you, then he wouldn’t be calling you horrible names and making you feel like nothing and scaring you with his words and actions. So sorry to hear that you’re having a rough day at work. I know you love him but, I feel like if you stay with him, his actions might escalate and could end up hurting you.

This relationship doesn’t sound healthy at all. He shouldn’t be speaking down to you, but it also sounds like you have gone online to try to seek validation elsewhere, which also isn’t fair to your husband. I know that it may be due to things he’s said and ways he’s made you feel, but he’s also your husband. If you have to seek validation from someone else, it is not a relationship you should be in. It’s hard to separate yourself and end things, but you don’t deserve being belittled, and he doesn’t deserve for you to look elsewhere to validation.
Loving someone doesn’t mean it’s worth pain, and no one deserves to go through emotional rollercoasters, doubt, and hard times on a near daily basis. You deserve to find acceptance, someone you can confide in, and trust.

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