I don't know what to do or where things go from here

HeartSupport Support
,
1

I’ve suffered from depression for over twenty years now and about 2017 I got better, I got a job which I was good at and even managed to find a partner and things were going great until 2021 when it all fell apart. For no reason I fell back into sadness and felt lost. I quit my job. My partner let me down in massive way, she called me moody and said it was like dealing with a teenager, this after promising me to be there and light the way for me. I called her my “moon” but after ignoring me for the best part of a week and making me feel uncomfortable and unwanted in her home and I left her. She has apologized to me since and says she feels terrible for the way she treated me and I’m not here to bash her just to get it off of my chest and give some background whats been going on these last few years.

As of now I have nothing. I was close to killing myself on so many occasions. I have a plastic container with numerous pills I’ve collected store inside to help end things but I can’t. Because know I’ll destroy my close family if I do go through with it. My parents and my sister have been my rock this whole time. I can’t do that to them so I’m stuck.

I’ve sought help from doctors and therapists but I’m terrible at opening up and scared of being sent to the loony bin, I was close to being sent back in 2003 after an overdose and now I’m scared of telling people how I actually feel because of this fear. I feel I’m being held hostage, I can’t open up because I might be punished, I’m fed up and want to die but I have family who I don’t want to hurt so i have to live. Everything is against my wishes and I’m here for other people needs. I’m so lifeless and fed up. I just sit and worry about the future, or dwell on the past. And I mean the past. Silly things from my childhood, times I’ve made a fool of my self, said or done the wrong things that make me cringe today and hate myself even more then I already do. I have no idea whats going on with me.

My dad suffered a couple stokes recently. He’s ok now but it’s a reminder that my parents are in their 60’s and when they go, which will be sooner now rather then later, then I wont have them either. And without them I will truly have nothing and will be alone without that lifeline.

I don’t find any joy in anything anymore. I used to draw and could spend hours doing my hobby, it used to be my therapy but I don’t even want to do that now. Even getting drunk has lost it’s appeal to the point I don’t want to drink now. And even if i did have the energy to get back out there, I’m too scared to get a job because if I land another job I don’t like I’m worried it’ll just set me off again, I want to look for another partner but I’m scared of being let down again. And anyway this 3 year funk has made me gain double the weight I was so I’m too fat to date so whats the point and add self conscious/lack of confidence body-wise to the list of issues.

I know I’ve beat depression before and people are telling me I can do it again but this feels different this time. I’ve lost more this time and I’m 41 and don’t have my life ahead of me like I did back when this first started when I was 19. It feels much deeper and darker this time. I want to go but I need to stay. I want to move forward but I feel like whats the point. I want to be happy but I feel I don’t deserve it for being a failure who gave up. I know this was a lot to read but I just needed to be honest and finally/properly get it all out and off of my chest without fear of upsetting family or losing what little freedom I have.

It’s my black stag. That’s what I call it. A dark beast that follows me around. It’s an inky silhouette always watches from a distance, lurking on the horizon. And no matter How hard I try I can’t ignore it. It wont let me and I’m scared that one day that black stag will be the end of me.

If you read all of this thank you for your time.

1 Like
2

Hey friend! I’m so sorry you’ve been through so much.
I know you said it re started for no reason, but looking back, could you think of things that happened around that point that could have set it off?
While I know how terrible and lonely it can feel, there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there one small step at a time even though it feels deeper and darker than last time. I know you’re scared to reach out but please do speak to a professional. Being put in hospital (I’m assuming you mean sectioned by loony bin?) will be a last resort. As someone who’s been sectioned twice I completely understand that fear though.
From reading what you wrote you want to be happy and you want to live your life and find joy in things again and you deserve all them things!

1 Like
3

Hi, I honestly can’t think of anything that has triggered both bouts of my depression. Both times of my life at that point were fine. That’s part of the problem, not sure what starts it and it’s difficult to explain to psychologists, who I think wonder if I’m holding back or not being fully honest with them.

As for loneliness, it’s fine. Right now I’d rather be on my own, I’m not exactly in the mood to be hanging out with people.

And yeah, Sectioned, I said loony bin because I couldn’t remember the actual term but that is what I meant. A real fear I have and one of the reasons I find it difficult to fully speak about what is on my mind. As well as just not someone who enjoys talking to professionals in general. I know I should and every now and then I do try again and again, but it never quite fits me for whatever reason.

Thank you for your kind words.

4

I just want to say thank you for being so open and vulnerable in sharing what you’re going through. I know it’s not easy to express this kind of pain, especially when it feels like you’re carrying so much weight, but you’re not alone. Your words matter. By reaching out, you’ve already taken an important step. I hear your pain, your fear, and your exhaustion. I want you to know that what you’re feeling is valid, even if it feels like it’s too much to bear.

It sounds like you’ve been through an incredibly difficult journey, and the darkness you describe with the “black stag” following you around must be so overwhelming at times. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling stuck in a place where the past and the future feel like heavy burdens and where joy seems just out of reach. The fact that you’ve struggled with depression for so long, and that it feels deeper this time, is something I can’t pretend to fully understand, but I can tell you that these feelings doesn’t define who you are. You are not a failure, and you are not defined by the things you’ve gone through, the mistakes you think you’ve made, or the feelings you’re struggling with now.

You’ve been through so much already, and you’ve shown such strength in surviving and in caring about your family. That love for your parents, and the understanding that they’re there for you, even though it hurts to think about the future without them—that love is so powerful, and it’s clear how deeply you care. You matter to them. You matter in ways that go beyond what you can see right now, and I believe they would want you to know that they’re there for you, just as you’ve been there for them.

I know you’re struggling with the fear of being misunderstood or judged, and that’s a huge barrier to seeking more help. It’s not easy to trust the process, especially when you’ve been through difficult times in the past. You’ve been reaching out for help, and that takes courage. Please don’t give up on yourself. Your journey is not over, even if it feels like the darkness is too much.

As for the fear of opening up or going back to therapy, I want to remind you that therapy is not about punishment—it’s about healing. You deserve to feel safe and heard, and there are people out there who will support you without judgment, especially here at HeartSupport. It’s completely okay to be afraid and unsure, but your safety and your peace of mind are worth every ounce of effort. You deserve that care -not because you have to be fixed, but because you are worthy of love, respect, and support, no matter what your mind might tell you on those tough days.

It also sounds like you’ve lost connection with things that once brought you joy, like drawing, and that must be incredibly painful. I hear you when you say that even things that once felt like therapy don’t feel the same anymore. It’s okay to feel disconnected from things that once brought you peace. Sometimes depression can steal those joys from us, but that doesn’t mean they’re gone forever. You’re allowed to take small steps, to take breaks, and to reclaim that joy at your own pace. It’s okay if things don’t feel like they’ll ever be the same, but they can evolve, and you can slowly rediscover what makes you feel alive again, even if it’s a tiny piece at a time.

And regarding your fears about your body and relationships, please don’t let the weight of those insecurities hold you back from pursuing connections or trying new things. You are worthy of love, respect, and companionship, regardless of what you see in the mirror right now. You’re worthy of being seen for who you are on the inside, the things that make you a unique and incredible person. I know it feels like everything is working against you, but I truly believe that you can begin to build toward a future where you find peace, where you find joy, and where you feel seen.

You’ve already survived so much. Your story is not over. I know it’s hard to see through the fog, but you have the strength to continue moving through it. One step at a time, even when it feels impossible. Your life is precious, and there is a way through this, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. Please don’t let go of that hope, even if it’s just a tiny spark. You are enough, exactly as you are, in this moment.

Take it one day at a time and know that I’m rooting for you, HeartSupport is rooting for you. :black_heart:

2 Likes
5

Thank you for your kind words.

6

Hi Dave,

Welcome to the HeartSupport Community, it is a pleasure to have you here. Feel free to always come and discuss what is it you are feeling if you need to, we will always be here to receive it. If you are someone who likes to openly talk, you can also use anonymous help lines. Some people think that these are only made for people who are in a situation of crisis; but, in reality, they openly accept everyones calls.

What you are going through is not easy. It is extremely difficult to go through all of this, and yet so admirable that you were able to pick yourself back up every single time and keep going. Every single time. People were not necessarily there to help you, it was you and you and you and you every single time. This just goes to show that you already have a beast inside of you that will help you get through this time. You’re it!

And, when you say you have nothing, I would like to challenge that idea. You have a lot. You have yourself. You have countless demonstrations of your strength, your resilience, your ability to pick yourself back up. From an outsider’s perspective, I read this and think wow, this person has really gone through it. Most people don’t go through a quarter of what you went through, and yet here you are.

The sole idea of picking things back up must be so hard and so difficult. But, I feel like restarting activities that you used to do could help you a lot. In this regard, I also feel like, and all of this is very subjective I must say, it could be beneficial to not deprive yourself of things that could bring you joy such as relationships or job positions because of the hurt they have brought in the past. You have the right to start over again, to take a blank page and to say man, I deserve better than what I received in the past, and I’ll go and give that to myself.

Go out there and kill it Dave, you already have it in you and you know it!!! Killl ittttt!

1 Like
7

Thank you.

I hope I do still have it in me to get though this. I’m trying.