@TheeCrazyBethy, thank you once again for reaching out. There are these heavy coping mechanisms that you are trying to unlearn, but you also keep practicing vulnerability and opening up, which I really want to emphasize here and celebrate with you. These are heavy times in your life. We will stand with you. There is hope, even when it’s really hard to see it. 
Yesterday must have been such a painful day for you. When we are grieving someone we love, birthdays suddenly become bittersweet. It’s been three birthdays that I have gone through without my big brother, and each time it reminds me of the fact that he doesn’t see me growing anymore, that our projects are gone and I can’t hug him, that he won’t be able to see my progress and tell me that he is proud of me again. There’s no word to describe how heartbreaking these reminders are. Though with time there is the hope to learn to embrace these days differently instead of only suffering them. But it takes time. And it’s okay if it takes 1, 2, or even 10 times to get there. It is part of the circumstances in life when we are not required to feel a certain way and there is no timeline to follow. We feel whatever comes. It’s okay to welcome it as it is.
Your tears yesterday were a manifestation of love. Your dad is not forgotten, Beth. He won’t be forgotten. And of course I’ve never met him, but I have no doubt that he would be proud of the constant efforts you’re making in healing. Because that is the only thing we can feel when we read your words here. The steps you take are far from being nothing. It is admirable, inspiring and very strong of you.
Right now you are facing new obstacles. It makes sense to feel like the possibility to keep moving on is costantly taken away from you. If that road could be easier for you, I would trade anything to make it possible. There’s nothing more upsetting and frustrating but to face practical limitations when it comes to getting help, especially when it doesn’t come from us. Not only it must be difficult to process this new diagnosis, but the message that is given to you now is that it should be seen as a problem affecting other dimensions of your life. That is unfortunate, but it’s also definitely not your fault. These are not things you could control, even though it truly makes sense to feel discouraged after hearing this. Though you are still in control regarding how you react in face of these new obstacles. Our first reaction is often to feel discouraged. It triggers some deep hopelesness. But that is not a position you deserve to stay in or be stuck with.
Are services that provide daycare (you are inpatient for the day, but are not admitted for the night - you come back home and then you go back to the service the day after) an option for you? They often do the exact same as residential places, except that people don’t live there for a given time, or only a part of the patients.
Could it be also something you would like to consider? It may not respond to the full need of residential treatment, but it’s often a good alternative when there is an issue or impossibility to be fully admitted. I don’t know either if that is something available where you live or cover by insurances, but it might be worth to have a look at it when you’d feel the energy for it.
Problems and obstacles are challenging, but they are made to be overcome. The solutions may not be apparent immediately. There’s a time of frustration and even despair when it triggers so many painful feelings. Rely on the people who are here to support you in the meantime. Keep reaching out. Rest assured that you are loved and that hope can be built again, little by little. It is not just for others. It is also for you. You’ve been working so hard for it. It is not going to be taken away from you.
You are loved.
