I dont know

what do i know? everyday is boring and i hate my life. im not living, im existing and nothing is exciting, so i play games, most of the time. im not sad or happy im empty and slighty sad and feel like crying, so much kept inside and she was probably right that it would get worse but im not telling her because she keeps telling people what i say. i looked up bpd and its probably 87% that, if its not maybe im really that pathetic. no matter how mean, sad or happy i may seem its always empty with no light in my eyes. even if i smile, i feel bad. it has no meaning. my dad made me cry, and so did mymmom. they arent bad, or good. just like me, its just empty. i am digusting and he was right. i am insentive and i have a low self esteem, maybe thats why i am like this. rude, maybe rude to myself. i wanna get worse. i want to cry, it makes me feel better, i need someone to take care of me, and i want help.

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Hi there,

I understand how repetitive life can seem, but this is only a temporary thing! Personally, in the past and especially during COVID, being locked up away from the outside world while doing weekday google meets with my class was something that caused me to seek multiple therapists and even end up in the hospital. Something that I found comforting during my isolation and despair; and time in the hospital as well, include listening to music, journalling down my feelings/thoughts, and looking out my window for the nature I couldn’t physically meet outside.

Now, I’m not sure who you’re referring to when you say “she” and “he”; could you specify further or are you uncomfortable with that? Also, if you want to confirm a diagnosis or anything, please don’t look online for that as results can be inaccurate. It’s best to seek a medical professional and perhaps look for a therapist if you feel that might help you. Please also don’t call yourself pathetic or disgusting, nobody is those words. You’re unique, compassionate, loved; and most importantly, you. You lack self-love, and going down that spiral of neglecting yourself will only do worse, coming from my own experience.

If you feel that crying helps you, then don’t be afraid to! Crying is an awesome tool to release catharsis, and it can sometimes even assist in clearing your thoughts and starting you fresh. I also recognise that your parents are no help either; and you stated that they are like you. I’m surmising that they’re like you in the sense that they also don’t feel great with their lives. Perhaps because of this mutual connection, you all can gather and talk about your emotions one by one? And maybe by doing that, you guys can find a solution to work out your worries together while strengthening the bond between each other. Just a suggestion, but I hope it could spark a positive idea in your mind.

Please know that you are loved. You might not know it, but everyone on this platform appreciates you and would love to help you. Keep fighting, my friend.

thank you very very much, the people i were talking about was my mom, and a friend. i asked them how to cut my self and they called me insensitive and we just argued, i dont know why the fuck i even asked me and now i just look back thinking about what i could gave said, and its not just covid, its really been like this my whole life, i only went to school in like 2nd grade but i feel like that doesnt count, im not that old but i feel like that just makes it worse. my mom has never really been great, not the worst but not the best. i remember crying myself to sleep saying nobody loved me, and i wantes to kill myself, i think it was at maybe 8 or 9. she said let’s go die or something like that and wanted me to pick out a knife from the kitchen. i have never gotten therapy and i still dont want to tell her cause she cant keep anything to herself. and i want to go to school and socialize but she just basically said no. someone told me gets better but i really hope it does, even if its deep down inside and no one knows it still hurts just as bad. and crying really does help but i dont want anyone to see. i mean i have my sister, i hate her, and i love her at the same time. but i am glad she exists, it would probably be so much worse without her here. and i also have an older sister, my mom is terrible to her. yelled at her multiple times and just doesn’t care about her in general, shes also kind of mean in general, no matter how sweet she can be sometimes, she might have bpd too but i dont care at all cause that doesnt mean anything because she didn’t fix it with that, i really have no words for any of this but all i can really do is wait.

and im not sure about telling them, i meant like them in maybe a metaphorical sense? i still dont wanna tell her to said reason, she cant keep anything to herself and i doubt she would understand. she said theres lots of things to do and we never Fucking do it. so im just left here doing nothing

hey, it sounds that your mother plays a part of the problem. I don’t know if you understand how unhealthy it is; perhaps because you’re so used to her way of parenting, but encouraging an 8-9 year old’s suicidal thoughts while prohibiting them from going to school is incredibly abusive. Is your dad the same in that sense? I understand that therapy is a difficult road to take because of your mom’s inability to keep things to herself. But is that something that should stop you from at least trying to ask? I’m not forcing you to or anything, but if you really want to seek professional help with your concerns; and especially since your family doesn’t seem to be aiding you, then I’d say try. But it’s all up to you, so I will support you with either choice you make. I also realise that your mom hasn’t been treating your older sister well either, and with the added possibility that perhaps you two both have bpd (since you mentioned in your first post that you could maybe have it), maybe you can connect with each other a lot more and find various solutions to your worries together (I mentioned this in my first reply too). Again, just a suggestion, so there’s no pressure of following it.

I recognise that you’ve struggled with this your whole life, and I’m so sorry to hear that. I really do hope things take a better turn for you because, well, you’re a fighter. And everyone on this platform knows that. Feel free to post anytime as I; along with other compassionate volunteers, will do our best to help and support you.

my dad isnt the same, hes not home most of the time but he does yell alot. not in a “abusive” way but hes kind of funny, i guess he does it as a joke but he did make me cry once, he did nothing about it. im not aure about talking to anyone cause i dont want to, so im not really sure.

I see. Well, you’re talking here, so that’s something you should be proud of. We will try our best to support you in every way we can, and it’s no problem if you don’t want to open up on certain circumstances here since talking to others about it is already hard enough. If you have any concerns or questions however, feel free to post something here as I; along with other compassionate volunteers, will try our very best to serve your interests.

okay,thanks, but do you have an idea. on how to get better? i need it