Back to heartsupport

I dont think im suicidal but

Hello, I don’t really want tp use my real name to introduce myself (in fear that someone ik personally reads this) but ill use the name Steven in place for now.

Hi I’m 17, in my senior year in highschool, and I’m beginning to think that am suicidal… I didn’t really wanna categorize myself like that but I just don’t know how to describe this feeling.

I’m the loud guy in the back of the class that is nice to everyone and seems kinda dumb at times. I’m the kid that people don’t really think twice of, but nor do they ignore me. I’m just ok I guess…

I take care of my body, do after school sports, and try to get high grades.

but deep inside I just constantly sad and tired of everything, I find most things annoying and useless and I work out only because I’m disgusted of myself every time I look at my self in the mirror. I hate myself for being so naïve at times and I hate my fucking personality. I act kind to everyone and try to make everyone’s day because I don’t want them to have this feeling of sadness and insecurity that I have. this feeling that ill never be good enough for anyone.

My personality sickens me because at the end of the day I’m only nice because of myself. its a fake kindness that I stuff in everyone’s face and I’m disgusted of it.

I don’t feel like I should be alive, I feel like the world be really be better with out people like me. I think about ending my life more often then I would like… but I’m not gonna do anything because even though I’m a selfish asshole for taking everything and everyone I have for granted,I would like to think that I would never end my life because its the cowardly thing to do… to “take the easy way out”… but the real reason is because I’m not man enough to do so. I don’t have the “guts” to do it.

idk I just wanted to talk to someone about it ig

2 Likes

Hey steven,
That’s how it started for me I just kind of noticed things about myself started realizing how much I fucking hated myself. Your not alone, you are good enough. When you get right down to it alot of people are very selfish so even though your disgusted by your personality, your still being nice to everyone, trying to make everyone’s day better. And in my own experience, once I realized that I was capable of harming myself and killing myself it made me feel worse like I always had a way out. So if you think you cant, it might be a blessing in some way. Im not the greatest at responding but I hope this helped and I hope you have a nice rest of your evening, and remember this even if you think that no one cares, we care, we are here for you. And if you ever want to talk feel free to message me.
Much love :heart:
Breadstick

1 Like

Steven,

Thanks for coming to the site - welcome! You’re in the right spot to just “put it out there” for everyone to see what’s going on in your head, for sure.

I typically read and contribute to one of these posts for my mental health Monday portion of my game-mental health-stream and yours was the first, and only one for the night… so lucky you, I guess? :slight_smile:

Anywho - 17 and in high school… that’s a hard enough time anyway never mind all of that negative stuff that’s going through your head and making it tougher.

Honestly, from a clinical standpoint, you sound like you’ve been experiencing this stuff for long time and that you are in such a dark spot that you don’t experience joy in anything - ‘anhedonia’ - and you’re feeding that darkness by stifling that portion of your personality and/or your experience and just invalidating your existence further.

Whatever it is that’s triggered this, if there was a precipitating event of some kind or there was a predisposition to depression due to genetics - you are awesome and deserved to be seen, heard and validated for you being you. That depression is a part of you, a dark part to be sure, but one that needs to be brought into the light if it’s ever to be addressed.

This is the first step - coming here and posting about it - but there’s a road ahead. You are a compassionate, caring and supportive person - let’s give you the same permissions. You have every right to experience that sadness openly.

<3

DrDyaus

2 Likes