I dont want to kill myself but i want to die but w

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I dont want to kill myself but I want to die. But when I think of death I think of purpose. I’m not here to waste away and die peacefully in my bed at a old ripe age. I want my death to mean something. I want to provide someone else the opportunity to die peacefully in their bed, maybe, to give them the opportunity of comfort in life that I dont feel worthy of. As far as the pain goes, it’s part of life it’s more present for some than others. I feel like living is painful and so is death atleast it will be for me. Hopefully that pain isn’t for nothing.

[PenArt]

You matter SO MUCH my friend!

Your pain is not something that dictates your death or anyone else’s, it’s the result of a broken world. Passive suicidality is not abnormal in depression, but it almost feels like a mental state of, well, if it happens, it happens. But everyday is worth living, even through the pain and sadness that a dark, stormy life gives us.

We sometimes hope that maybe if we die saving a life, it’ll somehow give worth to our death, but what’s more important is how much our lives are worth living. Every choice we make affects others’ lives, and it can always be for the better. I know when I’m having a day, a week or even a month of dark days and darker thoughts, I combat them by trying to be kind to others, speaking positivity into someone else’s day, even if it does little to nothing to better mine. Speaking a compliment to the person behind the counter may not change my problems or my feelings or mood, but it may change someone’s whole day. I try to think that if everyone did this, then there would be no room in the world for depression, anxiety, and feelings of worthlessness, even if that may be too optimistic of me.

Sometimes when we don’t have a drive and we feel spent and burnt out, it’d just be easier to quit. We feel like we’d be better off with a ‘restart’ or ‘escape’ button, but we wake up the next day, and we still feel tired, and the rain still pours, and the slimmest ray of happiness feels miles away. But I can promise you that the wait is always worth it. Once you’ve reached the other side and the storm breaks, the sunshine never looks more beautiful, and even though you’ve seen it before, it always feels wonderful. When we’re able to enjoy the little things in life, like sunshine, a warm smile from a stranger, or even the splash of a puddle, it makes life worth living again. It isn’t always sunny in paradise, but the rain never lasts forever.

Pain is always hard to work through and heal from, even being able to write this shows me you know you’re worth fighting for! You don’t deserve some shortcoming death of honor to snuff out your light, you deserve to outlast your pain, see a brighter future than you could ever imagine. I see you, friend! I see you fighting and I see someone worth love and comfort and kindness! You are seen, friend, and we are here for you!!

~ Pen

[DyllonKG]

Good morning friend.

Thank you so much for posting this and for giving us the opportunity to reply and connect with you.

You mention in your post the feeling of dying but not wanting to necessarily kill yourself. That you your death to mean something, perhaps giving the opportunity of a comfortable death to someone else. You then talk about pain being part of life and that you hope that pain isnt for nothing.

Im sorry you’re feeling this way my friend. I really am.

This almost sounds like trying to find purpose. And I imagine it feels a lot like…floating. Like a sort of nihilism. Weightlessness. Instead of this straight line trajectory we’ve been told we’re on. Instead of looking forward to a promised land or a goal - we just…are.

At least that is my interpretation. I say that because, for me, I’ve struggled with self worth and purpose my whole life. I was basically a workaholic. When i was a skateboarder at 16, it wasnt just a hobby. I had to go pro. HAD to. Or else what was the point of the endless number of summers spent at the skatepark. It had to mean something or lead somewhere.

I couldnt have a 9-5 at the call center job. I had to be pursuing my passions. Because my life needed to mean something.

As an adult now, Ive slowly been leaving that behind. At least a bit. I want to write a book. I want to tell a story. I create content. But im not so hung up on the results of those things. I think that, for me, my want to leave a mark and my need to “all or nothing” whatever i was doing was…like chasing something. Maybe chasing validation. If i was a famous skater or content creator - then maybe i would feel something. Maybe people would love me and I could die happy.

The reality Im grappling with is that I will die. And after im gone, whatever i did in this life will likely be forgotten, eventually. Maybe just a generation after ive left.

Im trying my hardest to live a life that enriches those im around now. And one that i want to look back on. One with smiles and laughter and kindness. Which is hard, i lived the first 26 years of my life like a pressure cooker. I wasnt always kind. I wasnt always generous. Ive had to learn those things.

But in that, an acceptance has also come as well.

Do you feel that you need meaning in death because finding meaning in life is so difficult?

Thank you for your post and for the opportunity to look back and reflect. I hope that my words helped you to feel less alone in what you’re feeling. I do not judge you, nor do i blame you for what you’re experiencing. I hope you know that.

Hold fast, my friend.