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I don't want to live with this


#1

Today was super shitty.
Dec 20th I had an MRI on my neck because of potential nerve damage caused by a huge head trauma from my previous job, which I wasn’t compensated for and they didn’t make any safety changes to stop it happening to anyone else, so I quit once I found a new job. The MRI was shitty - I have autism and sensory issues and the MRI scanner was all of my worst things put together, but I was a tiny bit calmer that I was allowed to bring my Pierce The Veil CD and the nice lady played it for me.
Today I had an appointment to go over the MRI scan and also to test my reflexes because the trauma has left me with intense muscle spasms, constant pain and weaknesses in my foot/arm. I hate hate HATE hospitals and they were running so late today (they finally started my appointment nearly and hour and 40 minutes after it was meant to start) and they assessed everything, and they came to the conclusion that the muscle spasms are actually a type of seizure and this could potentially be undiagnosed epilepsy from the head trauma. Either that or they think it might be a form of non-epileptic seizure that causes my muscles to contract very violently. They want to do more tests.
I don’t know what to do - I don’t want to live with epilepsy because my previous employer didn’t bother to safety train her members of staff, and its affecting my new job and my college work - I broke a mug this week because I had a spasm (potential type of seizure) that caused me to drop it. I can’t write properly at college so I have to type and I’ve smashed my phone screen where I dropped my phone and it broke. I’ve accidentally elbowed my best friend in the nipple where I had one and she was sitting to close and someone in my history class even complained that they were a “distraction”. It makes me want to tear my fucking hair out because I’m constantly missing out and in pain from the spasms/seizures. It’s ruining my life and everything I want to do - I don’t have the energy to do things or I can’t because it’s too strenuous. They can’t give me anything to reduce them because they don’t know if it is a type of seizure (it probably is) and they said that I have to wait for another appointment in JUNE to see if there is anything they can give me. They haven’t given me new painkillers because they want to leave that to my regular GP and I’ve run out of my normal ones without a repeat prescription permission. Idk what to do. But I know I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want my potential epilepsy/non-epileptic seizures to get worse because it’s a 6 month wait for an appointment. I just want to live like I did before - no more hospital, no more tests. No more spasms/seizures.


#2

Hey There Friend,

First of all I’m sorry you have the medical issues you do and they are giving you a hard time. Though I’ve never had medical issues like this, I’m sure they can be frustrating and that really does suck. I know that we always want to have options that fix the issue immediately so they stop affecting our lives but i trust that your doctors are doing the best they can. As for your classes and work, the things you go through are not your fault and its up to your employers and teachers to understand what is going on and if they dont, i recommend going to higher up positions to help you get through to those people.

We love you and are here for you whenever you need us. Hold Fast.


#3

HI there!
First and foremost know that i’m praying for you. The best i can tell you friend is that though it seems hard to bear right now always hope. In the midst of trials and pain and darkness. Don’t lose hope. God’s got you. Know i’m praying for you friend. Stay strong friend, pray if you would like to. Pain doesn’t have to have the final word in your life. Idk if you believe this, but God is bigger and stronger than all of this. He’ll take care of you man. He’s with you.
Don’t let darkness have the final say in your life, choose positivity, choose words of life. You are stronger than you know and you don’t have to this alone. God will bring beauty and something greater out of this. <3
hold fast.