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I dunno what to do

I feel as if I can’t mentally and emotionally get better. I’ve skipped out on some meals since going to school and my friends have noticed but they don’t say anything. I’ve also gotten into picking my own scabs to see the blood and feel the pain. It’s gross, but it’s out of impulse. I feel so horrible and all I want is to die but I also don’t want to go to another mental hospital because those cost money and I don’t want to be more of a burden to my mom than I already am. I really just want to be out of this. Everything. I really don’t want to live anymore.

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Hi. Although you said you feel you’re mentally and emotionally stuck, I’m hoping that you finding the courage to share with us means that part of you still feels hopeful that there’s a better life awaiting.

Would you mind sharing how you got here? What’s been going on that brought you to this period of suffering?

I’ve been through numerous times in my life where I wanted to cease existing. After a decade of being indifferent to life and death, a big part of me actually wants to live. Its a long road ahead with lots of suffering, but for the first time in my life in ten years, I actually want to endure the pain because I finally see life as a mountain worth struggling up.

I got here from some factors in my life. my mom used to punch me and yell at me a lot, I figured out I had gender dysphoria when I was 10 which made my self hatred more intense, I got bullied in school by my friends, and I did a lot of things as a kid that I regret deeply. Like bullying my crush, watching my aunt beat my other aunt with a stick, getting into a car crash when I didn’t tell my mom the light was green like I usually did, and it’s all my fault and I just can’t keep thinking about it. I’m sorry for saying so much.

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Hey. I understand. I feel the same way, stuck and like it’s never going to get better.
But please stay. The world’s full of people who don’t think mental health matters and who brush others that need help. Without you it’ll just be a bit darker. Stay, please.
I know you feel horrible about yourself, but I don’t believe you are horrible. Don’t judge yourself by others. You try, and that’s something to admire. You’re a survivor. I know you’re really tired so it doesn’t feel like you are. But if you are tired it means you are fighting. You can do this. You deserve life.

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Thanks for sharing some more of what’s been weighing you down. First, I wanna say that I don’t see any reason for you to be sorry for sharing. You are not a burden here, people here like to talk, relate, and support.

As I read through what happened to you Im hearing that you’ve been treated very poorly and have a lot of shame you carry. Being violated and watching your family be violated is so impactful :worried: other than the car crash and being mean to your crush, everything else here is someone else hurting you. You’ve been hurt a lot :pensive: And fact is, when people are hurt, they end up hurting other people on accident or otherwise. You gotta heal through your wounds, dude

I like a lot of what @Bvblover16 shared, but I especially resonate with them saying: “Without you it’ll just be a bit darker. Stay, please…You can do this. You deserve life.”

Life can be brutal, I won’t pretend otherwise. But after reading what you shared it appears to me that almost all of your burden has to do with being uncared for and abused. Do you think it’s possible to love life more if the people around you care about and support you? And you care about and support them? Would you be down to stick around here a bit longer and find out? I’m not saying it’ll be quick or easy, it’ll be strenuous at best. But your well-being matters dude. Not just to yourself, but to me, others here, and those who have connected with you in your life.

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