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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to LEAVE ME ALONE by NF
I experience ocd adhd and autism
Yeah it’s like there’s no room in your head for yourself. The thoughts that bombard you on a daily basis feel completely overwhelming and it feels like there’s no mute button, no silence, no peace, no room for any independent thought.
Personally, I have tinnitus. It’s a constant ringing in my ear, and there physically is never silence in my life. At first, it felt suffocating. Like I wasn’t going to be able to be sane. There’s a unique type of despair when you encounter prolonged powerlessness. Where you can’t change the situation, and you’re stuck with it, but you literally HATE it. It’s like living with constant nails running down a chalkboard. There are moments when it feels like you’d rather die than continue in an existence where this thing continues unendingly.
That must be a bit like what a day in your head is. When you have this uncontrollable noise in your head, and you can’t do anything to change it, it can feel like you’re trapped, and when you’re trapped for long enough, it makes sense to feel desperate.
It feels like you’re being run and overrun by these intrusive thoughts. It’s almost like you’re in the middle of a city, and every thought is like a zombie chasing you down. It’s just daily survival, trying to not be taken over. It’s exhausting, it’s terrifying, it’s all consuming, it’s really fucking hard to just be you.
When I’m in that hole of despair, one of the hardest things to do is to come to a place of acceptance. Because it feels like you’re surrendering the possibility of a better life and you’re choosing to let it die. Raging against your own circumstances feels like the only way to keep that hope alive. But what’s interesting in my life, is that when I surrendered to the circumstance and stopped trying to change it, there was something in me that relaxed. And I stopped experiencing this constant tension between a life I wish I could have and a life I actually do have. That internal peace changed the way that I experienced myself and my daily life.
One of the things I know to be true about you when you face this constant battle of survival is that you’ve gotta be cunning to find a way through all of that stress. You are intelligent, you are capable, you are strong, and managing all of that weight at the same time and still standing on your own two feet - you’re incredible. I’m thankful that you opened up here and trusted us with what you’re facing.
-nate, heartsupport staff