I feel all alone. No one really understands what I’m going through and it feels like no one will. I wish someone understood how I was feeling. I’ve been having panic attacks and I can’t talk to anyone when I have one. No one really notices that I’m not really doing well because I try my best to hide it. I really want people to notice but then I don’t because I don’t want anyone to pity me. I tried to take my own life about a couple months ago and it didn’t work. I want to die. I keep running from my panic attacks and they haven’t gotten any better. Why does everyone tell me it will get better if it hasn’t for months now? I told someone about my panic attacks and he told me that he didn’t want to be friends anymore. I was so heartbroken and sad that I started crying because I tried to open up to someone and they didn’t like that so I closed myself in again. I get so mad sometimes and all I want to do is scream. I keep questioning why this is happening to me of all people. Did I do something wrong? Do I deserve this? I’m now scared to tell people about my panic attacks and I want to isolate myself. I keep shutting people out and I haven’t let anyone in. I just found out my brothers girlfriend is pregnant and it’s really hard because he’s really young and I don’t know what he’s going to do. My grandfather got into a work accidnet and I don’t know what’s going to happpen. My other grandfather may have to have open heart surgery and I don’t want to lose him. I can’t lose anyone right now. He’s been so kind to me and acts like a good grandfather. I haven’t really been accepting people’s tips for panic attacks but I want to accept that help. I miss my happy, kind, self. I don’t even smile because I can’t smile a real smile. Everyone wants to see the old me but I can’t seem to find that person. Everyone wants to see me smile but I can’t.
I don’t usually tell people this but because it’s in direct response to your question I will say that you are not the only one who feels the way you do. Of course no one can know the specifics of how you feel but unfortunately I know a lot of people who have really bad panic attacks and seemingly no one to talk to. You didn’t do anything wrong and you don’t deserve any of this. No one ever does. I urge you to keep fighting and not give up. These things can take a very long time to resolve but I can assure you that these situations can improve. We’re here for you Vanessa!
@Vanessa Hey thank you for sharing. Know that you are not alone. I went through sometime in my life that I never wanted anyone to help me. It wasnt until I felt I need to be vulnerable to help that things will get better. You are loved and I hope you know we all love you here.
Firstly - thank you for coming back to the support wall Vanessa. I’m sorry that you were rejected for your anxiety… That sucks, but some people can’t handle it and that’s not a reflection on you. You’re taking the steps by opening up on the support wall, and by being here, you’re really taking the steps AWAY from isolating. My family are straight up abusive, and as a self harmer, they tend to play on that. They call me every name under the sun and just put me down constantly whenever they see my scars etc - I understand what it feels like to be rejected… I remember my mother asking me to be honest and tell her when I need to cut, and one day I went to her with an urge and she just said “I’m watching TV, go and play a game in your room, you’ll be fine”. I’ve been a part of HeartSupport for more than a year, and had people try so so hard to help me, giving me everything I need to help myself… It’s only been the last few months that I started to even begin accepting their help. I still tend to argue and throw it back in their face - but, pretty much always do those things in the end.
It’s about finding the right people, and that can take a long time, but don’t let the reaction of one person stop you having that hope.
I deal with anxiety and panic attacks myself and I understand how overwhelming it is and can be. I know that feeling of being alone with it and thinking people won’t understand, and it can be so hard to articulate what you are feeling and explain it to people. You sound like an amazing person who cares so much for other people and take on their grief and feelings. I am the same way, I bury my own problems to take on other’s and it’s hard. You’re not alone. Ever. I promise!
It’s tough to be dealing with something, ask a trusted person for support and get turned away. I wish you didn’t have to deal with that on top of the panic attacks. You do not deserve to be in this situation, and it won’t last forever. We’ll be with you as you figure what can be done about the attacks. Don’t give up on yourself, you’ll eventually find the old you, or maybe even a new you that feels even better than the old you.
And I hope your grandfathers make a quick recovery.
Hey Vanessa; Im very sorry you’re going through these struggles you’re having. I can definitely relate with feeling alone and thinking that no one will understand what we’re going through. Please understand that you’re NOT alone and we understand you!
Hold Fast <3