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I feel and live this. Addiction isn’t the cause. Depression is the cause. Drugs help us feel SOMETHING because there is nothing. My soul is dead. I long for the grave.
Depression is such a difficult weight to carry. I’m sorry you are struggling. The darkness can be overwhelming and seem never ending and when we’re numb from it we wonder why go on? We want to feel anything besides its crushing weight so we become numb. But even that becomes maddening. Drugs can seem like a reprieve only it ends up being a false sense of one because we have to keep doing them in order for those feelings we chase to last. It’s a vicious cycle that can seem impossible to break. But our minds play tricks on us and convince us it’s hopeless when it’s not. It’s never too late and although it seems impossible, there is hope for you. I truly believe that. I’ve struggled a lot during my life and have shared similar feelings. Believed many times that things would never change and I’d never experience a positive feeling again. It’s not an easy battle but it’s one you can win! You reached out and I’m so grateful you did. There’s something inside you willing to fight. Focus on that and hold onto it. Know that you are not alone and you are loved and cared about. One step, one moment at a time was the only way I could face things otherwise it seemed too big. Just take the very next step towards hope and hold on. Then the next. Give yourself grace and reach out to someone you trust or to us here. I believe in you and I’m rooting for you.
Using drugs to feel something to distract from the void is such a real experience, that many have. You feel empty, gray, and lost, so you search for something-- anything to spark your neurons and give you a dose of “alive-ness.” That dose just sends you deeper and deeper down the dark pit of despair. I have been in that place where I was so lost and confused I just wanted to feel anything at all… I turned to other vices instead of drugs, but the effect was the same-- I got to feel alive when my soul felt dead. I had lost my mom and I wanted to join her. I didn’t see any purpose in living without her. It is a desperate and dark place to be when you long for the grave. You see no reprieve from the darkness instead of being swallowed up by it into hopefully, oblivion. Then that desire to sink into the ground becomes all-consuming, it becomes all you can think about. Addiction covers the longing temporarily by altering your state of being with that next hit.
Being in that pit of numbness, only a few things slowly got me out. What first began to draw me out was a couple key people who never gave up on me-- they kept showing up even when I had nothing to offer them. People can save lives-- and I hope you find those who you can draw strength from and walk with on this journey of life.
The other thing that started to pull me out was finding a “why”-- why do I exist, why am I hear, what is the meaning of anything-- at first my why was my family and I would tell myself I have to stay for them. Then it grew from them to faith-- I have purpose because I was created and so I don’t just live for myself. Finding something beyond myself was helping because I didn’t see myself as enough of a reason to stay-- I couldn’t see any worth I might’ve had. I don’t know what will help you claw your way our of the pit-- but we’ll be here for you ever step. Thank you for reaching out to HeartSupport!
Thank you for having the strength to tell us that you are struggling, it is not easy to be open about the demons that you battle. Thank you for trusting us.
I’m sorry that depression has its claws in deep. It can definitely feel like there is never a way out and that you are doomed to walk the endless void forever. But you aren’t. I can understand why turning to drugs can seem like an easy choice because it gives you the sense of something when you are surrounded by nothing. And something is better than nothing right? That’s what we are told. But drugs provide a fabricated something, it’s never really there to begin with.
I hate that you long for the grave, it makes my heart break for you. I am sending you a hug, my friend. Like Runner12, I also believe that you are able to get through this and you are able to beat this. You are meant to be here! There is something bigger that you are meant to do and accomplish that is more than simply existing in the vast darkness. You have a part of you that wants to break out of the darkness and get back into the light, you just need to be willing to fight for yourself.
I agree with JBrach, I hope you have people in your life that show up for you when you are not always able to show up for yourself. I also think that finding your “whys” will be helpful. I know that you are meant to do something bigger and better, but only you will be able to figure out the “why” behind it. You have a purpose, you just need to find it. I believe in you! You don’t have to find those answers alone anymore, we are all here to help you with anything that you are struggling with! We will be here cheering you on through your journey!