I feel grey

I don’t even know how to attempt to reach out, or if reaching out is even possible. I guess I should mention whatever I’m going to say will have potential triggers so I apologize in advance.

I’m not at risk of suicide, I feel as if I’m past it. Almost like my emotions became so overwhelming that death is no longer an option. At this moment I’m feeling as if I’m completely devoid of emotion and I don’t mean it in an edgy way. It’s gotten to the point where my drug addiction has led me to take copious amounts of hallucinogens and binged horror movies and gone to haunted houses just to try to feel fear again. I understand physical fear isn’t everything, like I should be scared of myself going off the rails in my own head. I don’t think I can be scared of myself anymore, even my darkest thoughts that contradict my morals are justified as long as I maintain control of my actions.
I work a night shift and have been falling behind in some trivial classes I need to finish to survive my own standards. I think somewhere in this nocturnal pattern I almost completely lost track of the concept of time. In my addiction I’ve learned to fight day by day but at this point it seems impossible to even accept the possibility of a tomorrow. My thoughts and mind are so incoherent to myself I’ve started seeing myself as a sick dog in his final days.
I have considered going balls to the wall and giving up and surrendering myself to a psyche ward again but whenever I see mental health workers they always tell me I seem too okay to not be okay.
It takes a lot of work to keep up that appearance. While the narcissist in me is saying there is some serious untapped potential in me, I don’t like feeling like I’m falling prey to my own dementia. It feels chemical and inescapable, and I’m not afraid of it. I don’t know what I feel, I just know that the ghost of my former self wouldn’t have wanted this for me.
I don’t know what the diagnosis is for this existence, and while it’s selfish I don’t think I want to tell a doctor and be prescribed crazy pills and wear that weirdass jumpsuit again.
My hope for a better future is fragmented, with parts of it in my dog, a lot of it in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, but most of it is in this community. I’m grateful for you guys being here and listening to me attempt to land back in reality. I sincerely love and appreciate you all.
Like I said, my schedule has consumed me so it may be a while before I can reply to responses if there are any, but thank you to anyone who actually suffers through trying to interpret what I’m saying.
P.S. Music recommendations are always greatly appreciated

Hi Groovy! Thank you for reaching out and sharing a bit of your story with us. Your story holds a lot of pain and sorrow for what you have experienced in the past. I am very sorry to hear you have not had the greatest experience in the mental health field. However, recognizing that you have this dull feeling is the first step to the path of healing and recovery. Typically, when you get to a point where you have difficulty feeling or none at all…it is the direct result from harm that has scarred you very deep…I can’t begin to imagine what you have experienced in your life to trigger a psychological self-defense to essentially help you survive. Sometimes our body will devoid and limit our sense of feeling to escape any further harm that has been dealt to the body.
I wanted to comment on what the mental health practitioner said about, “it’s okay to not be okay.” This statement holds truth and strengthens one’s self to feel “normal.” I can tell you are a smart individual…just because it’s “okay,” doesn’t always mean it feels good. What is most important, is that you are reaching out and telling your story. As I stated before, recognizing the harm that has been done to you is the path to healing.I encourage you to keep attending the alcoholics anonymous program, spending time with your doggo, and reaching out to this community. I hope my response helps and that we here from you soon.
PS: Music suggestions: Fit For a King, August Burns Red, Convictions, Wage War, As I Lay Dying, Impending Doom, Silent Planet.

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