I feel like I am drowning in my own self pity

I guess I have struggled with my mental health for a long long time. But this past month or so has become a real battle for me and I am starting to lose control of it all.

So around 8 weeks ago, I like an idiot opened myself up to accusations at my workplace of gross misconduct. I had performed a very dangerous action with a forklift to rescue a pallet that someone had pushed into the racking. At the time I was covering a different set of shifts and whilst knowing the people I didn’t know them that well. I was also the most senior member of staff on site running a shift that would normally have 3 Team Leaders, but I was drafted in to cover them all having the same holiday, this followed a week later by an outburst at a member of staff who was swearing at me in Romanian but I replied with a tirade in English in which the senior site management witnessed.

I was investigated for both instances and knew my time was up when I received the notice of intended disciplinary. I had in my head made my mind up that if it was to go this far, I would depart there and then and not try to fight my corner as I knew I would lose my job. I had that ‘red line’ in my mind and knew that it was the correct course of action. I also knew that the senior management was driving this action as other managers in the chain, had pre-warned me that I was in the firing line and they would be taking it seriously and not brushing it under the rug like they would do with normally.

I do not regret my decisions, I am disappointed I was too short-sighted to realize by doing those two things I had put myself into that position and others and made it easy to get rid of. I can deal with that I am a little bit bitter but not losing sleep over it bitter.

So I left my job 4 weeks ago, under this naive cloud that I would fall into a job overnight that has not happened and as each week has gone by I have found myself struggling to rally to do anything, I have applied for countless jobs and had numerous interviews and with each rejection I find myself becoming more and more despondent. A friend has tried to get me a job with him, working for a courier company but this has been held up by them dragging their heels to clear me to drive. I have 3 interviews this week for jobs and despite everyone talking me up and blowing smoke I cannot get my hopes up that this period in my life will come to pass.

I am growing more and more panicked by the fact I have money for maybe another 10 days before I am broke, I don’t have any credit to lean on and I cannot ask my Mum to bail me out. I feel like a complete failure because I have stopped taking my daughter out on Saturdays for the adventures we go on, and instead we go for a drive and then go back to my mums to play with her toys and watch cartoons all day.

I am a slave to my own pride to even admit to anyone who asks if I am ok that I am not ok, I don’t want anyone to know how much I am struggling as I don’t want people to feel like they won or got the better of me. My room currently looks like a pigsty, I cannot even get the motivation to tidy it up. I just sleep all day/night read books and sit on youtube, I don’t even play video games or go for walks anymore. I really lack the drive to do anything or see anyone it takes me all day to summon the strength to get dressed and go to the local shop, I have stopped eating properly mostly just one meal a day.

Speaking of my little girl, I feel like if she wasn’t in my life I would have put a bullet in my brain by now. Like I wish things worked out with her mum and I got to see her more, but every Saturday is my day with her and I look forward to it and I love seeing her and she means the world to me, and I feel like a real piece of work for thinking about killing myself and hurting her like that but I really do not see a way out of this one.

I mean 3 Months ago I felt I had finally figured things out I was doing well had made plans that are now in tatters, I just feel so hopeless and that those days were just a dream, I don’t see how I can get back to them.

Hey man,
That’s really rough I’m so sorry.
I just want to let you know we are all here for you.

I wish you luck with all the interviews and I really really hope you get a new job.
You are not a failure. Raising a kid is really tough and I know right now that you feel like you’re not doing enough for her but sometimes there’s not much else you can do, in her eyes I’m sure you still look like a hero.

I know right now things don’t look to great but I promise you it will get better. Everything may feel awful at the moment but who knows next week could be completely different.

Please don’t lose hope friend, stay strong for your daughter.

Hold fast friend,
Luna :heart: