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I feel like I have lost everything

I am a piece of garbage.

I have to be.

From November of 2018 until just a few weeks ago, I couldn’t get up the stairs inside my house.

Other than half of March, all of April and half of August I have been in the hospital. I have a difficult time caring for myself due to five back surgeries that I have had since May.

I am obese, though I lost 100 lbs. plus since August of 2018.

In February/March of 2018, my wife and I had been having communication problems. She was angry that I was slowing down and not doing much after work. She also had become more accepting of her own sexuality, both her bisexuality and her desire to swing.

She decided to hide these things from me because she thought it would hurt me to find out. She would go to parties 1-3 times a weekend. She finally confessed that she was going to sex parties but “only playing with women.” Which was a lie.

She talked about wanting to have a bdsm relationship. Silly me, I thought she meant with me. So I start learning about the culture to help mend our fences. Then I get sick. Then I find out she had been with guys the whole.time. I also find out that she doesn’t want me to have a bdsm relationship with her. “I don’t think of you in that way.”

I have met some of her friends from the scene. They seem nice enough but they knew this whole time she was lying to me.

I can’t help but feel like they have been laughing at me behind my back.

I feel like I did before I met her. Alone. isolated. Unimportant.

Now here’s the thing: I love her. And, despite it all, I know she loves me. She takes care of me. Helps clean me up. Helps put on my bandage on my back. Cooks for me. Drives me wherever. We even make love from time to time.

Tonight is the first night we have slept together in 10 months. In the meantime, she has had someone in bed with her every night.

When I tell her how I am feeling down about things, she gets upset and either overly blames herself or gets angry because she thinks I am trying to make her feel guilty. She often threatens to leave me. Says “you would be happier without me.”

I would be lost without her, but part of me wonders if this is her semi-subconscious trying to get herself an escape route.

I’m no better, by the way. I have threatened leaving (not seriously). Even worse I have threatened suicide.

That is an especially harmful thing to say to my wife because her father killed himself 5 years ago and her half brother did the same a year later.

I feel lost. I feel like everything I was was destroyed. By her lies. By my illness. By my obesity. By my inner doubts. My whole world has been razed to the ground.

Now, my worry is that you are going to read this and judge her harshly. Please don’t. This is why I can’t even talk about this stuff with a counselor. I don’t want to tear her down. I love her, even after being betrayed. I am not perfect and I know I have done things that have hurt her. But we have been through too much together to just end it.

I just feel like I want to die. Not kill myself. I don’t want to hurt others that way. I just feel like I would rather wither and die.

Like the garbage I am.

This sounds really hard. No wonder you feel so down. I am so sorry that this has been happening to you. It sure sounds like there have been hurtful things happening in the last couple years that has taking a toll not only on you, but on your wife and your marriage. I am so sorry for the pain you have both experienced.

I know that i don’t have the words to make things alright again. All you can* do is face each decision and each day with a mindful intention to be compassionate and forgiving and gracious. I am rooting for you. I am rooting for your marriage and your relationship with your wife. <3

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Dear BiggGuido

You are not a piece of garbage, you just dealing alot issue that not easy to get over. Sometime ony so much stuff you can control and suck when someone that you love hurts you ( not trying talk about you girl) I have been same situation with a girl that I love and she like other people more than me and it really hurts me mentaly. But I understad that no matter we still love people even when they hurt us. Also, we dont have control with our own body sometime, my dad was in perfect shape then he got cancer acouple time and it sucks. But maybe try watch some mental health video on youtube and listen to some alan watts. Stay strong my friend and you are worth someting!

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Hey Friend,
I dont have alot of dating advice nor marriage may you should try both going to church or pray together since i don’t know your religion or even couples therapy. But here a bible verse Ephesians 5:28 In the same way, Husbands should love their wives. They should love them as they love their own bodies. Any man who loves his wife loves himself.
Maybe talk thing through with her im still young to understand this but i hope everything turns out good in the long run.

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