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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Hope by NF
I feel like im all out of hope. In this moment. Im not even living for me. Im just in autopilot living for those that care about me so i dont hurt them. Trying to comptemplate an “accident” that could relieve me of my suffering. Idk i just really hate myself
Hello. I relate to what you are going through, at one point in my life I was in a mental ward. Where we had to draw rocks from a bag, and discuss the word on the rock. I pulled out a rock that had the word hope on it. I told them, the word on this rock is the only form of it I have had in my life in a very long time. The lady said they weren’t supposed to let people keep the rocks, but let me keep it. I still have it on my desk today. I hadn’t had a shred of it in ages and I had been in mental health recovery for a few years even, at the time this event happened. I too, when thinking of ways to go in the past, always wanted to try to find a way that was least harmful to those around me. So I relate to this also.
It took me until after I was 30 years old, sometime between probably 32-35, having been in active mental health recovery since around 26 to begin to find semblance of another side to the pain. Even having my worst attempt at taking my life in the time I was supposed to be actively in recovery. It’s not an easy road, and still now I can sometimes have days of crisis. Depending on the situation/triggers of events happening in my life. Those moments are becoming less frequent now though, and when they do happen I have a better understanding of what I am going though, and ways that work for me as an individual to handle them. I can say now that there is another side to it all. To the pain and suffering. That those of us who win the hardest battles, I believe to have the highest ceiling for understanding and self-love on the other side of those battles. IF we are to make it there. We don’t all make it, but I do believe we all have the potential to make it. I have lost people to this battle, and almost lost myself to it. I am here with HeartSupport now though, to try to support people in understanding it can be won, and that I believe in their ability to do so. Whether younger, or older, I believe in a persons ability to succeed in self-growth/understanding/love to the point of a life that has more positive moments then negative ones. The way this is achieved is different for everyone and for me came from a combination of Jarring Life Events, Books, Professionals, Peers, amongst other things. I thank you for sharing what you are going through with us, as it is so hard to share these kinds of emotions with anyone at all, and I think you have done a good job to identify a big thing that you need to find relief from, self-hate. The path to self-love can be a very hard one, but just sharing like you did here. Can be the start of that path. I have found that sharing in a safe space with peers can be a very powerful form of therapy for me personally. Please feel free to share details of what you are going though and experiencing if you ever want/need. There is also forum.heartsupport.com if you don’t feel comfortable sharing in a youtube comment section. Hope you can find some relief with time, and feel a bit better today then the days previous. <3
@@HeartSupport thank you for well crafted response. I really do appreciate the effort. I’m going to have my first therapy appointment next week so that’s good. Hopefully I can start enjoying life again. Ah see there at least I’m Hopeful now
@@HeartSupport I relate to your story a ton. It gives me comfort knowing you kinda figured it out later on. I feel like I should have my life figured out by now I’m 25.