I feel like I'm going nowhere

[Domestic]

Hello! This is my first post here and before I get into it I’d like to say that I’ve never really been good at sentence structure so expect a lot of run on sentences.

Im not really sure where to start so I’m just going to start at the point I’m thinking of and go from there.

As of right now I’m going to be going to boot camp for the Navy December 15th I’ll be going in for IT the military is something that I’ve wanted to do since elementary school when my Brother joined the air force, but when I got into highschool I started straying away from that idea and found other interests first it was music production, next it was eSports, then it was graphic design, each of these I got fairly decent at but due to my ADHD I lost interest pretty much as soon as I got good at them, but as soon as I graduated highschool I quickly realized that I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I was burned out on all the things I enjoyed doing, I cant stand the thought of have a retail job not saying there’s anything wrong with them they just aren’t for me so I got my brother to take me to a recruiter, the original thing that I wanted to go for was air force para rescue, but as I was looking at the Navys recruiting office the thought of being on a SEAL team crossed my mind, so I went with the Navy, after about two weeks of going to the workouts that are required to join any special warfare career field I quickly realized I wasn’t anywhere close to being physically ready for what they were doing, so I went with IT computers have always been something I’ve had an interest in I love troubleshooting problems and just messing around on them in general, but now as December 15th is coming closer I’ve had thoughts that maybe this isn’t what I want to do, and that I was stupid for signing that contract before actually thinking about it, and now instead of actually studying the stuff that I needed to I’ve put it off until now, I don’t know my 11 general orders, I only know half of the sailors creed, I don’t know the rank structure or the ensignias for each rank, and on top of all of that, I’m not even physically ready for the first PT test they do at the beginning of boot camp no matter how hard I try to get up and do these things it’s almost like my brain is screaming at a brick wall my brain says one thing but my body just doesn’t care, this has led me to just thinking about giving up and ending it, this isn’t the first time that I’ve had suicidal thoughts, but it’s the first time I’ve actually thought about them seriously, unfortunately I don’t have a very good home life, I have a mom who verbally abuses me and is otherwise not a very good support, the closest family is around a 20 minute drive away but since my mom never took me to get my permit before the lockdowns happened I can’t drive, and even now that I’m 18 I still can’t do much because her back problems are getting worse and shes having surgery soon so I’ll have to be around to help her, all the people that I thought were friends in highschool, don’t talk to me anymore, and all my online friends seem to always stop talking to me, I’ve been shut out so many times that I’ve basically just created a bunch of walls to the point where whenever I want to cry I just get that feeling in the back of my throat and nothing comes out, I’ve learned that the best thing for me to do is hide everything I’m going through because it just causes people to leave, and even if it wouldn’t I still feel like a burden, I feel this stuff isn’t something other teens should have to listen to and I don’t really like when people feel bad for me.

At this point I’m just going to start rambling so I’m going to cut myself off and give the tldr-

I’ve gone from a kid aspiring to do big things to an anxious and depressed mess that no matter how hard I try I can’t get ready for the career that at this point I don’t even know I want to do, but at the same time I feel stuck in this position because of how much my brother helped me to get to this point, I’ve lost most of not all friends I made in highschool and I don’t really have any friends online.

Honestly there’s a lot more but just off of how my brain works it’s just going to turn into trying to say a bunch of different topics at once, also I’m sorry that this is just one big run on sentence.

[poggersdoggers]

Hey Domestic!

Sometimes the best thing to do is remember where you were when you were younger. Sometimes we set the bar too high for ourselves! Keep working hard.

Is there anything you like to do as a hobby that you could research a bit more? See if you can find a new way to use a talent you’ve curated.

[Domestic]

Unfortunately the things that I liked to do as a hobby were on my computer, but my computer is messed up and I’ve tried everything I can think of to fix it but nothing has worked, and I don’t have $1000+ dollors to buy a PC that will let me play the games I usually do

[Micro]

Hey @Domestic,

First off: thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this. Please don’t worry about the lack of punctuation - your message is totally understandable. And you’ve shared a lot of important things right there, so, thank you.

Finding what we aspire to do in life and what is meaningful to us can be a journey made of many times of doubts, fears, and overall experiences that we aren’t sure about. The fact that you’ve been giving yourself a chance to follow what your heart was directing you to is already a great step, and absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. As you said, the type of training/job you are looking for are things made of passion, which is not necessarily the easiest way to take in life - but definitely a possible one and one that is really worth it! All in all, you might expect to accumulate some experiences in different things to progressively determine what suits you or not. Unfortunately, there is no better way in order to know if something speaks to your heart or not but to actually try and see.

Do you think it is possible that you might be giving up a little bit too soon though? I hear what you say about not knowing all the things that you need to know yet, and not being physically in shape for the requirements that are expected from you. But you’ve also mentioned December as being some kind of due date - which means you still have a month and a half to work on your personal preparation. It may or may not be enough (especially regarding the physical training), but what could you lose by giving yourself a chance anyway and see how it goes? The things you would learn until then wouldn’t be wasted. It’s still going to be something you would own and could eventually serve you as you are learning to specify your own desires regarding your future. That wouldn’t prevent you from thinking about your other options for 2022. But overall, it could also give you a positive impulse and help you break down this negative spiral that you feel stuck in right now.

Despair, giving up, staying stuck are not places you deserve to be in. As you’ve mentioned being into problem solving, you can also see your situation as such. An opportunity to “mess around”, explore and constantly learn in order to progress and find some resolution. Problems are made to be solved. Obstacles to be overcome. And disappearing is not part of the solution. You deserve to keep pushing, moving, trying and adapting your decisions to what may come on your path.

Keep us updated, if you’d be comfortable with it. I’d love to hear from you in times to come. You’re not alone.

If you’d like to connect with the rest of the community in different places too, feel free to join us on the Discord server and during the streamings on Twitch. It would be awesome to see you there!

• discord.gg/heartsupport
• twitch.tv/heartsupport