I feel like I'm losing control, and everything is going wrong

[HelpfulFriend]

So this is a bit of a long one. Sorry. I struggle with undiagnosed anxiety. I don’t have meds for it, but my school counselor and I both agree that I have it at some degree. I mostly struggle with the unknown and subjects like death. This past month (and 2020 as a whole) has been really tough. This is mainly me writing to get it out, but help would be much appreciated…

Covid has thrown a wrench in my life. I have a grandmother who is in remission from cancer (yay!) but her meds make her immune system really crappy and she won’t be able to fight off Covid if she gets it. She has been careful for the most part (has been a few times where I don’t agree with her actions, but… ). I love her and can’t imagine my life without her. On the other hand, my Uncle just tested positive today. He was stupid and went drinking without a mask with his boss. I feel like I should hate him and say that he got what he deserved, but I keep thinking about his kids (my cousins who I love dearly) and what something bad happing to him would do to them. Also, I just want my old life back. I hate online school, I miss my friends, and I’m constantly angry at the world and I know I can’t do anything to fix it.

On the subject of online school… I HATE IT!!! I hate having prerecorded classes. I have no teachers except for one class and no “assignments”. I personally like to do things with my hands and typing and answering questions SUCK!! I hate it so so much! But it’s the only alternative to going into school, which would make me anxious to the point of inability to function. My main problem is that I get behind because I don’t like doing the classes. Then I’m stressed that I am behind, but I still do nothing about it. I beat myself up inside because I am the one causing the stress and not fixing it, but I just never bring myself to actually starting the class…

The one class I have with a teacher is my drawing class. I love drawing, but being in this class, I feel like a four-year-old trying to be in a high-level class. All the other kids in my class are actually painting and finishing projects, meanwhile I’m still on my rough sketch. And the drawings never look like how I want them to. It makes me feel like shit and I keep wanting to cry in class. I don’t know if I should drop the class or keep with it… I love art, but I hate doing realism (not to mention I’ve barely done it and suck at it), and that’s all this class is panning out to be… I have a 4.0 GPA and don’t want to scuff that because I simply didn’t have the skill.

Some other things:

1. I haven’t seen my dad in over 6 months (the longest time without seeing him, my step-mom, or baby sister) and I miss them so much! It breaks my heart every time I talk with my sister over the phone, but they live in a different state and I cant see them right now. I might be going in the summer, but I just found a summer camp that I really want to do… I hate having to choose…
2. I have so many plans in my head but I can’t seem to stick to any of them… I have several art projects that are half done. I’m trying a new medium (resin) and seem to always want to spend time on that and nothing else (which factors into me not wanting to do school). And on top of that, I keep adding more projects on top
3. I have always hated the look of my body. I have stomach chub, and I have hated it since I was 10. I gained weight during quarantine and finally went on a diet to try and lose some, but I am feeling discouraged… I have been eating essentially the same food for 2 weeks now every day, I can’t eat the food I really want to eat, and I’ve only lost a few pounds. I almost feel like I have to just accept that I will never like my body the way it is…

I’m sorry that this is a lot, but I was becoming panicky and needed to get it all out, even though I might not get a response. Thanks for reading if you did. Love and support heading your way <3

-A helpful Friend who needs some of their own help

[maxstardust]

You have a lot going on at the same time. It’s good to see that you’re taking the steps you can to make things better. Steps like posting here. It helps you vent, helps to find people in similar situations, and helps to organize your thoughts.

Undiagnosed anxiety sounds like quite a limbo to be in. Gladly you got a school counselor who gets what you’re dealing with. Keep in touch with them, helping you figure which steps to take from here sounds like something they can do.

Online school has been a pain for me too. One year is not enough to develope the structure and organization this system needs to be as good as it can or anywhere close to it, and even then they might still not be all that good. It’s something we’re all enduring cause it’s better than nothing and better than spreading covid.

I can’t tell you what to do about the art class, but I can try to help you consider a few things. Most important is what you get from it. If it’s something you’re not enjoying cause you’re not satisfied with the outcome but intend to work with, putting up with it might be the way to go. I sure hated half the classes I had to take to get where I am, but it definitely paid off. If you love drawing but what you’re getting from the classes is mostly frustration and a GPA drop and it feels better as a hobby, then what you get with it is a time window you save for drawing and the one class with a teacher. Good time management can guarantee you keep drawing, but I don’t know how you’d feel about being even more distant from having teachers.

I hope the vaccine comes your way ASAP so you can solve the things that basically depend on the pandemic getting out of your way. Until then, hold fast.

Also, on comparing your art to others, check this video our friend Casey recorded.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oySVZ8d2xVI