I want to end it all but feel like if I did i’d be a massive inconvenience. I’m a college student, currently feeling worthless by barely passing my classes, dropping out isn’t an option because if I do my parents will kick me out, no escape out of this mess everything I do is controlled, no friends for a fall back. In a long distance relationship with a guy who listens to all my problems but I feel like a major inconvenience and he could do way better.
The stress from never getting a break from years of school is getting to me, I’m wishing I died from my overdose 5 years ago just so I could save a lot of people from having to deal with worthless scum like me.
No matter how hard I try nothing I do is ever good enough, studying doesn’t get me good grades, even if I try my hardest I’m still not doing good enough, expectations are set too high and each night I find myself breaking down and crying.
I always hated talking to people about anything in my life, all the trauma that happens my parents don’t believe anything I say, the verbal abuse they throw at me hurts to the point where I’ve gone numb, any friends that I have wouldn’t’t care if I disappeared and find me to only be a burden, my boyfriend could do way better than to be stuck with someone so mentally draining. Why even bother at this point? If i fail my life is over and I’m basically there already, once I get kicked out nobody will see me again is there even a point of trying anymore?
Gosh, isn’t that a bitch? That you can have someone who loves and supports you and feel like you’re too much for them? Too much of a burden, too often, too heavy?
To feel like the people who love and support you will drop that love and support like pulling the rug from beneath you if you fail?
To feel like there’s nothing that you can do to fix your situation, like the harder you try, the only thing you discover is how big of a failure you are?
It’s brutal. I’ve been at a similar point in my life and thought so many of the same things you do…what’s the point of my life if I fail? If I lose my potential, my home, my relationship? Life ends when those things end, right?
I had to come face to face with a lot of these fears myself, and one of the things I found is that my life moves on even when I lose the things I hold dearly…and life isn’t any less worth living with or without those things, because the value of my life is within me, it’s inherent…I am still worthy of love and breath today even if I faceplant and fuck it all up.
You are too. Often I need reminding of this truth…I needed to be reminded of it yesterday, in fact, because I was afraid coming back to work (I took last week off) that I was going to totally bomb everything and prove myself a failure. My wife had to remind me – it’s not all on my shoulders, and it has nothing to do with my worth.
Same is true for you, friend. It’s not all on you…it’s not who you are and not what you’re worth. You are worthy of the love you wished you felt…and you matter more than you believe you do.