Sometimes I feel like a big child not able to control her feelings. I wanted to see Dune with my boyfriend and i told him about the movie 2 months ago and he said that he’s not interested in the movie at all so I stopped talking about it. Yesterday he told me he’s gonna see the movie with a friend of his. It made me really sad. I can’t control my feelings when i am like that. He told me it would be nice if we could find a way for us both to be happy in this situation. I said to him if I can’t see the movie that i just have to accept it but that it doesn’t mean I’m not feeling bad about it. He got kinda frustrated about it. I basically made him change his plans so now I’m going to see the movie with him and his friend.
He never told me afterwards that he’s mad about me for this. He felt bad so he changed his mind about it and included me. But now I feel bad. I’m happy i can see the movie with him cause i really wanted to watch it but at the same time i hate myself for not being able to control my feelings and i wonder if my request for seeing the movie with him was too much.
I hate how i behave when i feel sad. I hate myself so much for it. But am i supposed to ignore my feelings? I hate myself.
I feel like these sort of arguments just happen among friends and generaly people who care about each other. It was important for you and it was not important for him so you felt hurt when he did what he did. I cant say any of you are to blame. You both have just different priorities. If you want my advice I would suggest talking more abou things with him and discuss how things are important to you. But if you want to know my oponion you are overthinking this a little. This was a minor thing that might have shaken up things a bit in your relationship but in a week or so he will not have even remembered it.
relationships can be hard and that is why communication is so important! He may have genuinely forgotten that you wanted to see it, he may have thought you didn’t want to see it anymore since you stopped talking about it, could be many reasons.
This is a tiny incident, but your reaction is very large. Controlling your feelings is an important skill, and I’m glad this incident, that is relatively minor happened, so you can be aware of your reactions.
When we’re very emotional, it is hard to think logically sometimes. There were some other options you and him did not think about, for example: He could have gone twice and seen it with both of you separately, you could have watched it by yourself.
So I would say don’t hate yourself because that accomplishes nothing and it won’t help you to grow. Use the feelings you have now to make an emotional checklist. It is important to feel your feelings, but you are also responsible for your actions. Yes you were disappointed, but there are many ways to react, and many creative solutions sometimes that we can explore. Being sad, and acknowledging that IS a good thing, but you’re in a relationship so both people need to be heard and seen in a relationship, with compromises made if needed.
You shouldn’t ignore your emotions, but you can choose how you react with those emotions. Take a break and let yourself calm down. Sometimes, when something happens we are flooded with emotions and we act on impulse in the moment. Most of the time, those impulses don’t turn out well.
I remember your post about Christmas and New Years Eve and how you felt bad for doing the same thing.
If you don’t want to keep doing this, then you’re going to have to change how you handle your emotions. Before you react, stop and take a break. Think about what you want out of this and what you don’t want. Look at the facts that make your emotions valid and the facts that make your emotions invalid. That helps for me.
@Mystrose makes a great point, I had forgotten about the holidays plans post. I had mentioned something in another post that may be useful for you too.
Sometimes we react quickly to a situation when we’re overwhelmed with feelings. We then make decisions while feelings these emotions, and we then react to the reactions, and it leads to a cycle of worry and fear and guilt. We’re not doing it intentionally (from our point of view), but we may do it so often that it becomes a pattern others see, and others learn how to interact with is on that basis.
This is the second time you’ve mentioned that you made your bf change his plans at the last minute to include you. It sounds like the scenario repeated itself, and this sounds like a great learning point. You have to look at these events and learn from them, and see what would be a healthier way for you both to be happy with the outcome.
I would say that you have a plan for when this situation occurs again. It can be like an exercise when you prepare yourself and you can learn to work through your emotions and not guilt trip him into doign what you want, since you clearly feel bad about doing so.
When there’s something you want to do with bf, and he has plans to do it with friend, that you sit and brainstorm other possibilities, like you do it by yourself on another day, or your bf does double duty and goes two times.
Hoping you can find a way to work through this, and I’m excited for you to learn some more tricks to control how you react to your emotions.
I didn’t include it in my initial post cause I wasn’t sure if I should. Initially i asked him if he could watch the movie with me a on a separate occasion but he said that he doesn’t want to watch the movie a second time.
It also hurt me since I’m going in another movie with him that i have really no interest in but i know he wants to see it very much and he wants me to be there with him.
Generally I’m ok with him choosing what we do or what we not do. There are certain things that i want to do that I’m talking to him about way in advance. The new year’s eve thing was also something that I’ve had talked to him a month ago for the first time.
I agree that my reaction to some of these things is exaggerated but it hurts me when i talk to him about these things way in advance and then he just ignores them.
Like I said I usually don’t mind that he chooses what we do or what we not do. So on a few occasions I’d like to be able to state my wishes without feeling guilty afterwards.
You can do that, but you can do it in a healthy way.
Maybe too far in advance is something he doesn’t remember?
How about having a “date calendar” when you can pencil in important events you’d like him to attend with you, and he can do the same, so it’s there written to be seen, but without having to always nag about it!
Then as the date approaches, if new plans come up and changes have to be made, you have a discussion based on it. Such as “I know we had intended to go to this, but I really had a last minute invitation to y. Can we reschedule x for this weekend, and we can write in pen/red ink to show it as confirmed?”
Something like this could help, because it’s a gentle way of reminding you both of discussions and commitment made without nagging. You can use diff coloured pens to indicate different levels of agreement/commitment, etc.
Use it as a tool, and an aid for discussion, not a weapon though. You can even put a little star or heart for things that are important to him and to you.
Just an idea I just came up with, but it makes sense to me. Would something like that work for you?
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