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I feel lost

So I don’t have any close friends or family who I can talk to when I’m at a low place and right now, I am at a very low place. I don’t know what I’m going to get out of venting here but I guess I’ll give it a try. Since my story is super long and complicated I’m just gonna be straight forward for my background. The earliest I thought of suicide was kindergarten. Throughout my life I’ve been emotionally abused by my family. I have also been sexually abused as a young child by family members. My parents divorced when I was 3 and my dad committed suicide when I was maybe 7 or 8. My sister attempted suicide and was sent away when I was a freshman in high school and in my first year of college I was sent to the ER for suicidal idealization. I don’t know what life is without depression or suicidal thoughts. I feel like for a moment I think I can be happy or aim high and work hard towards a goal. But late at night I start to feel anxious that keeps me up all night. I start to remember horrible things that happened in my life that I shouldn’t remember. I didn’t attempt to make friends till 8th grade and high school became the worst years of my life (I think). To this day I don’t think I have any genuine friends. I don’t have a single friend I’ve maintained from high school. I think I have friends right now but I’m far from believing they will stick around another year. I don’t think I completely isolated myself. I currently live with roommates and away from home. I talk to my family occasionally and I spend time with my roommates. Yet I feel completely by myself.

Right now I feel suicidal but I know this feeling will go away like it always does because I tend to repress things. I know for sure it will come back though. It’s always like that. I feel like I occasionally feel how I really feel deep down but then I just quickly repress it and forget it even happened. I forgot to mention but I also have an unhealthy habit of repressing things. It bothers me if I overthink it. It actually makes it extremely hard to talk about the things that bother me because I will completely forget what bothers me to the point that I don’t think it is something that’s an issue. Even typing all this, I don’t even know where I’m going at. I come from a poor background so seeking help isn’t an option for me. It’s also taboo in my family. I try to talk to God but sometimes I feel like even He doesn’t have a plan for me. I feel sorry for myself, I don’t know what to do. I can’t even seek emotional support and comfort from my family. I don’t have friends who I can speak to when I feel this way. Sorry if this all sounds pathetic. I don’t actually want to die but I feel like everything points towards ending things.

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I love how you ended all that, saying you don’t actually want to die. I was very glad to read that. I can relate to some of what you said. Being alone a lot. Not having friends at school till very late. I’m so sorry you had to go through so many horrible experiences growing up. I can tell you that God does have a plan for you. He made you and He loves you! I can’t say why all those things were allowed to happen to you, but please don’t blame that on God. He made you because He loves you. I pray that you’ll keep talking to God, and to just know that you can trust Him. None of that sounded pathetic. You let it all out. Thats great.

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I promise God does have a plan for you he has a plan for us all. Stay strong and if you need someone to talk to I recomend joining the Heartsupport Discord we care about you and love you. Stay Strong please XOXO

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You are worthy! You are loved! You now have an endless supply of genuine unconditional love here!! You are STRONG! u have survived so much in your life! You have reached out and shared your story! That takes strength. It may not feel like it. But u are stronger than u know!

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Your story has similarities to mine. I lost my father, almost lost my sister, was assaulted sexually by thought I thought I could trust, I idealized suicide and I have no friends from highschool. I thought I was going to be alone forever, if people knew me they would hurt me and use me as they wanted. I couldn’t get a therapist cause of being in a low income house, I repress me emotions only for them to come back to me int he middle of the night.

If you feel like you don’t have a reason to live or a purpose. Give yourself one, I was the same. I got plants and pets to care for. I went into volunteering. Give yourself a reason to push through you don’t have to end your life for feeling alone and worthless.

You may feel lost and I know it’s taboo in your family to get help, but that is a taboo that needs to stop, You should see a professional there are people who have studied the human mind and how emotions are handled with struggling with a harsh past like you have. IT may take time to find one that you feel like they get you but stepping out and being able to talk about this is going to be better than repressing the memories and the pain. If you don’t like me it can become a poison that will only twist these feeling and your vision. There is a way forward for you, you can push though for you and I know that, because I’ve felt these emotions too. So please, try to step out a little more and talk about your emotions. You started to do that here with your post. That is the first step the first to get better, that shows you have the strength to get better, the proof that you know that you don’t just want to end everything.

I know that there is a version of you out there that is happy and has gotten through this and they are cheering you on and wanting to finally meet you.

I believe in you friend. You got this Hold fast.

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while i cannot relate to the beginning of your post, i relate to parts of it. i moved around a lot as a kid, and i, to this day, don’t keep friends for more than 2 years, and i’m in my 30’s. I also really understand the act of pushing things away, to the point that you ignore everything. i struggle to feel anything but “good” and when I talk about things in my life that are not or haven’t been “good,” it feels like i’m telling a lie, because i’ve pushed it so far out of my day to day thoughts it doesn’t even feel like my life anymore.

one thing that helped me, honestly, is the Heart Support community. It’s a place where I really believe they want to hear what I have to say, and try to understand. It’s a weird sort of dichotomy to share parts of your story that you KNOW is true but you’ve removed yourself so far from it that you don’t feel like it’s your own life when you talk about it. But, if you’re looking for an easily accessible community that really wants to listen and try to understand, you’ve found it here, friend!

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I feel like I could have written 99% of this post. I spent years thinking about suicide. My family are abusive and I couldn’t have their support. I didn’t really have friends who were supportive of me, I was bullied and it took it’s toll. I know how it feels to feel like you’re on your own with all of this. But you’re not, the fact you’re here means you’ve just rallied an army ready to support you and help lift you up.

I know that when you’ve been abused in your life and had to deal with things alone, it can be so hard to trust so… seeing me say “You’ve got an army around you now” can be really scary… but I was in that position too. I first came to HeartSupport and I was set on the fact that the people who were reaching out to me, wanted something from me, and wouldn’t trust them… After they just kept relentlessly supporting me and loving me, I started to trust more…

When I found myself trusting people, I felt like it was a mistake and I said my goodbyes to everyone with a plan to overdose and disappeared, believing no one cared… 2-3 hours later I get a phone call from someone that I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW, to say he was reached out to by one of my best friends, because 3-4 other people had gone to her concerned for my safety and knew she had a way to get hold of me… That’s just MONTHS after I had NO ONE. So when I say you have people here… I mean it.

Saying that, recently I’ve believed that God just gave up on me. When I prayed, I felt like I was praying to no one. It was as if no one was listening. It was like that for about 2 months. I felt like I’d been abandoned. However, that wasn’t what had happened… Over the last 3-4 days or so, I’ve realized that, He was giving me the answers, I just wasn’t looking for the signs. He won’t do the work for us. He tells us what He want’s us to do, and it’s upto us to carry out His will.
He is listening. Give it chance. Keep looking. You’re loved.

Hold Fast
Kayla

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This really doesn’t sound pathetic at all, and it’s okay to not be sure or to know where you’re going in typing everything you typed up. You’ve given us background, and it helps us have better understanding of where you’re coming from. It sounds like you really needed to unload and get a lot off your chest.

I can assure you, you’re not alone. I’ve caught myself thinking about suicide in the past, and I would push that thought back down… make like that thought never crossed my mind- you know, repressed the thought. I know I don’t want to die, and I know I wouldn’t take my own life… but those thoughts sometimes creep up and it can put us in a mental spiral. And I, too, would repress the crap out of a lot of things.

I’m sorry you feel like you can’t speak to your family about these feelings, I can completely understand how that feels. It makes it harder to feel like it’s okay or acceptable to experience the things you’re feeling. It feels taboo; it feels frowned upon… And we make ourselves feel so much heavier and guilty because we feel the way we do. It just adds to the emotional baggage we’re already carrying on our shoulders. Sometimes, we can’t rely on family to help us or not judge us—because they aren’t going to understand.

I can only reiterate that you’re not alone in experiencing some of these thoughts, and I totally hear you & can understand a lot of it to some extent. There’s always a plan our higher power’s have in mind; sometimes it takes some of us longer than others to figure out what the heck that may be. But just know that you 100% matter, and I’m glad to see that you can identify that you actually don’t want to die.

Hold fast, dear; you’ve already proven to be one heck of a tough cookie. <3

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Hey @nira We discussed your topic on the HeartSupport Twitch stream! Here’s the live video response: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/652372860

Hold Fast!

@nira

Your post is not pathetic at all, neither is your story, no worries. :hrtlegolove:

A lot of the things you shared resonate with my heart, like many of us here. Unfortunately those experiences shouldn’t happen. But somehow, as you’ll see through the responses here, through painful moments people can connect and support each other. In the midst of darkness, we can encounter some unexpected lights. And I hope you will find here in this community the support you deserve yet missed for too long.

I can relate to your story first because it is about similar experiences. Being emotionally and sexually abused, feeling like you had to deal with depression for your entire life, having suicidal thoughts too early in life, seeing your siblings and parents struggling with their mental health, coming from a family where there’s no support and where asking for help is taboo… it is unfair for only one person to have to deal with all this.

But this is relatable especially because of what’s between the lines: this disenchantment we can feel through your words. I am deeply sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling this loneliness for so long. Grieving the possibilities we didn’t have in life is long to acknowledge and process. Sometimes it feels unbearable. Yet by sharing this message, by sharing those parts of your story, by sharing your heart just how it is now, you made a very important step.

Thank you. For all the years you pushed through, for all the strength you gathered in silence, for all the resilience you put in that process, even if it was done in a survival mode. I see all of this here. I see you.
Thank you for all of this, because it allows you to be here now and I am grateful to you for this very reason. Your story matters, your life matters. It is not wasted, even if there’s this little voice in your mind telling you something different. You are not alone in that heaviness you’re carrying.

This community is a safe place where you are cared for, sincerely. Maybe it sounds a little cliché or just like a good old lie, especially when it’s online and from strangers living at different places. But it’s still very true. You are loved. You are cared for.

I come from a poor background so seeking help isn’t an option for me. It’s also taboo in my family.

I thought for a long time that if my family couldn’t support me, if they didn’t allow me to be vulnerable, if I had to wonder if they truly love me, then why would someone else care? The fact that I grew up and internalized the idea that being “vulnerable = bad” made me feel like my life was screwed up already, for too long. I couldn’t help being in pain yet all the doors around me were closed. “Deal with it 'till you’re at the end of your rope” is something I thought to be inevitable. Just because it’s been normal for me and the only thing I knew for as long as I can remember. But it’s not. Life is not only about surviving.

It breaks my heart to hear that you can’t count on your family. I understand how it feels to hit this same wall of disappointment again and again. It feels like what we’re going through doesn’t matter, so why even try reaching out now? Maybe it’s not such a big deal, after all? Fortunately your family isn’t the only place where you can seek for the support you need. And family is also the one we create through the years and with the people we met.

Even if your family isn’t supportive, even they are not used to talk about difficult things, even if you grew up in this environment, it doesn’t delete the possibility to surround yourself with people who truly care, and it doesn’t delete the possibility for you to learn how to be vulnerable and honest to yourself. It’s not easy. And sometimes we need to go through therapy or at least receive a professional support so we can regain some confidence first. But the possibility to find people who really care and want to support you is real. The same applies to your inner capacity to stand up for yourself. It’s always been here. But it needs the right environment to be expressed. And actually, you just did this by posting here. I hope with all my heart that this will be a first and very positive step to you.

Seeking help is a real option for you. Please, don’t give up on that. It can take some time to find the right environment, the right therapist or counselor for example, but it’s worth it. Same applies for relationships in general. I literally spent almost an entire month now composing the number of a therapist but still didn’t call them. Like you, I push things aside until everything explodes at my face again and again. I can totally forget things that hurt me, on purpose, but this always ends in being haunted and overwhelmed for days, if not weeks, especially at night. As you said:

I know for sure it will come back though.

That’s a very powerful statement. Being aware of this is a real strength that you have. Try to trust your guts on that. Deep inside, you know what is right.

It actually makes it extremely hard to talk about the things that bother me because I will completely forget what bothers me to the point that I don’t think it is something that’s an issue.

Personally, the few times I was in front of a therapist I would appear to be just confident and deny the things that matters to me. I could be in real distress and crying in my bedroom the night before yet being very calm and collected during the meeting. I become a kind of filter to myself and that’s 100% automatic. I was really frustrated by this, and still am now. Because there’s this massive gap between how I feel and how I’m perceived by others. But these kind of automatisms, as much as it protects us when we need it, can be deconstructed in a safe environment and with the right people.

Indeed, it is hard to be open about our struggles. It’s not an easy exercise, but you can learn to do that progressively. Somehow, the hardest things are the ones that are the most worthy. There is hope, friend. Not in a general sense, but for you and where you are right now.

Trusting others takes time. Trusting yourself takes time. It comes and goes and it requires us to make plenty of small steps. I believe in you and your capacity to do that.

I don’t actually want to die but I feel like everything points towards ending things.

Even typing all this, I don’t even know where I’m going at.

What if this is actually a new beginning? Like being at a crossroad, chosing a different path but not the impasse.

You can’t trade your life for another one. But you can find new strategies to navigate through this one. Your past doesn’t determine you. And you won’t be alone through this. You don’t have to be alone for that. I am not ignoring what you said about coming from a poor background though, but there are certainly resources and/or services that you could access to. As the guys on stream proposed you to join them directly so they could connect you to some helpful resources, then I can only encourage you to do so.

You also a very first resource with this community now. :hrtlegolove: I can only speak for myself, but I found here more support I than I received in my entire life. It feels safe to be here, and I hope this place could be a safety net to you as well.

If you want to join the Heartsupport Discord, here is the link: https://discord.gg/bBJvh7 - It would be awesome to see you there! Same for the Twitch streams: twitch.tv/heartsupport - https://www.twitch.tv/team/heartsupportnetwork.

You matter, friend. You deserve to be shown that you are loved and cared for. And you have the right to grow at your own pace. You are not alone. Take care. :heart:

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In my worst times, I believed God was just watching me like a lab rat, waiting for me to complete an experiment. Today I realize he was just waiting, but I understand it wasn’t out of a place of not caring for me. He was waiting for me to stop fighting. I wanted so badly to do what I thought was the right thing, namely succeed at college, get a degree and a good job, and start a family shortly after, that I wasn’t paying attention to what He was trying to tell me. Even with good intentions, I was going against His plans for me.

Dropping out of school for the second time was the beginning of my surrender to His plan, even though I didn’t know it at the time. I felt better almost immediately, even though I still had a years-long battle ahead of me toward loving myself. When I dropped out of school and started working at a toxic company, He opened a job opportunity with a much better company that took me on as an entry level mechanical designer, and surrounded me with coworkers who mentored me and cared about my success. When I began to appreciate my situation, He opened up an opportunity with a competitor that took my career up a level (via a call from a recruiter that didn’t have enough information to know I’d be the perfect fit for the job, who wouldn’t have called me if he was smart). When I quit trying to force romantic relationships to happen, He connected me with my wife. When I quit applying to other jobs to get out of my company, the company offered me a promotion that would have doubled my income at the expense of my happiness, but three days later my current boss emailed me to say he wanted to interview me.

Every time something in my life went right, it was because I quit trying to take charge and do it myself. That doesn’t mean sit in bed and wait for God to save you. I like the old adage “Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.” Put another way, God will present you with good opportunities when you listen patiently while being a good steward of your talents and gifts.

Surrendering is hard. We want control. I never did it consciously, I just came to accept the places I was at in my life. I think the lyrics in Erra’s song Irreversible speak to this:

“There is no failsafe
It’s what keeps me hanging on
To what you are to me
You’re what keeps me hanging on
I’m not giving up, I’m giving in
So let’s begin again”

I’m currently doing a purposeful reflection of my life and God’s role in it, and while I always gave God the credit for improving my situation, seeing the patterns where my life improved when I quit fighting shows me that it’s by His will, not mine. Your life may not be everything you want at any given time, but as long as you are breathing, God is providing, and God will continue to provide in His time. Stay strong.