@nira
Your post is not pathetic at all, neither is your story, no worries. 
A lot of the things you shared resonate with my heart, like many of us here. Unfortunately those experiences shouldn’t happen. But somehow, as you’ll see through the responses here, through painful moments people can connect and support each other. In the midst of darkness, we can encounter some unexpected lights. And I hope you will find here in this community the support you deserve yet missed for too long.
I can relate to your story first because it is about similar experiences. Being emotionally and sexually abused, feeling like you had to deal with depression for your entire life, having suicidal thoughts too early in life, seeing your siblings and parents struggling with their mental health, coming from a family where there’s no support and where asking for help is taboo… it is unfair for only one person to have to deal with all this.
But this is relatable especially because of what’s between the lines: this disenchantment we can feel through your words. I am deeply sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling this loneliness for so long. Grieving the possibilities we didn’t have in life is long to acknowledge and process. Sometimes it feels unbearable. Yet by sharing this message, by sharing those parts of your story, by sharing your heart just how it is now, you made a very important step.
Thank you. For all the years you pushed through, for all the strength you gathered in silence, for all the resilience you put in that process, even if it was done in a survival mode. I see all of this here. I see you.
Thank you for all of this, because it allows you to be here now and I am grateful to you for this very reason. Your story matters, your life matters. It is not wasted, even if there’s this little voice in your mind telling you something different. You are not alone in that heaviness you’re carrying.
This community is a safe place where you are cared for, sincerely. Maybe it sounds a little cliché or just like a good old lie, especially when it’s online and from strangers living at different places. But it’s still very true. You are loved. You are cared for.
I come from a poor background so seeking help isn’t an option for me. It’s also taboo in my family.
I thought for a long time that if my family couldn’t support me, if they didn’t allow me to be vulnerable, if I had to wonder if they truly love me, then why would someone else care? The fact that I grew up and internalized the idea that being “vulnerable = bad” made me feel like my life was screwed up already, for too long. I couldn’t help being in pain yet all the doors around me were closed. “Deal with it 'till you’re at the end of your rope” is something I thought to be inevitable. Just because it’s been normal for me and the only thing I knew for as long as I can remember. But it’s not. Life is not only about surviving.
It breaks my heart to hear that you can’t count on your family. I understand how it feels to hit this same wall of disappointment again and again. It feels like what we’re going through doesn’t matter, so why even try reaching out now? Maybe it’s not such a big deal, after all? Fortunately your family isn’t the only place where you can seek for the support you need. And family is also the one we create through the years and with the people we met.
Even if your family isn’t supportive, even they are not used to talk about difficult things, even if you grew up in this environment, it doesn’t delete the possibility to surround yourself with people who truly care, and it doesn’t delete the possibility for you to learn how to be vulnerable and honest to yourself. It’s not easy. And sometimes we need to go through therapy or at least receive a professional support so we can regain some confidence first. But the possibility to find people who really care and want to support you is real. The same applies to your inner capacity to stand up for yourself. It’s always been here. But it needs the right environment to be expressed. And actually, you just did this by posting here. I hope with all my heart that this will be a first and very positive step to you.
Seeking help is a real option for you. Please, don’t give up on that. It can take some time to find the right environment, the right therapist or counselor for example, but it’s worth it. Same applies for relationships in general. I literally spent almost an entire month now composing the number of a therapist but still didn’t call them. Like you, I push things aside until everything explodes at my face again and again. I can totally forget things that hurt me, on purpose, but this always ends in being haunted and overwhelmed for days, if not weeks, especially at night. As you said:
I know for sure it will come back though.
That’s a very powerful statement. Being aware of this is a real strength that you have. Try to trust your guts on that. Deep inside, you know what is right.
It actually makes it extremely hard to talk about the things that bother me because I will completely forget what bothers me to the point that I don’t think it is something that’s an issue.
Personally, the few times I was in front of a therapist I would appear to be just confident and deny the things that matters to me. I could be in real distress and crying in my bedroom the night before yet being very calm and collected during the meeting. I become a kind of filter to myself and that’s 100% automatic. I was really frustrated by this, and still am now. Because there’s this massive gap between how I feel and how I’m perceived by others. But these kind of automatisms, as much as it protects us when we need it, can be deconstructed in a safe environment and with the right people.
Indeed, it is hard to be open about our struggles. It’s not an easy exercise, but you can learn to do that progressively. Somehow, the hardest things are the ones that are the most worthy. There is hope, friend. Not in a general sense, but for you and where you are right now.
Trusting others takes time. Trusting yourself takes time. It comes and goes and it requires us to make plenty of small steps. I believe in you and your capacity to do that.
I don’t actually want to die but I feel like everything points towards ending things.
Even typing all this, I don’t even know where I’m going at.
What if this is actually a new beginning? Like being at a crossroad, chosing a different path but not the impasse.
You can’t trade your life for another one. But you can find new strategies to navigate through this one. Your past doesn’t determine you. And you won’t be alone through this. You don’t have to be alone for that. I am not ignoring what you said about coming from a poor background though, but there are certainly resources and/or services that you could access to. As the guys on stream proposed you to join them directly so they could connect you to some helpful resources, then I can only encourage you to do so.
You also a very first resource with this community now. I can only speak for myself, but I found here more support I than I received in my entire life. It feels safe to be here, and I hope this place could be a safety net to you as well.
If you want to join the Heartsupport Discord, here is the link: Discord - It would be awesome to see you there! Same for the Twitch streams: Twitch - Twitch.
You matter, friend. You deserve to be shown that you are loved and cared for. And you have the right to grow at your own pace. You are not alone. Take care. 