I feel so lost and stuck

I don’t know what to do anymore. My whole life is a mess and I’ve been thinking about suicide for months now. I feel like it’s the only way out, even though I know that’s bullshit. I don’t think staying alive would be worth it, even if it got better somehow.
I want to die, yet I’m scared of it. I have done so many wrong things, I don’t want to live with myself anymore. I can’t stand the person I am, I spent each day of the last 2 years wasting my time and my parent’s money. I feel bad about it everyday, yet I don’t do anything to change it. I don’t see the point of going on, I barely ever feel happy at all. I don’t have friends, I don’t have anyone I feel it’d be worth living for. I know the impact my death would have on my family, but at this point everything is so overwhelming that even that isn’t a reason not do it anymore. I feel like I don’t belong in this world. I never feel safe or at home. I’m not comfortable in my apartment, neither outside or at my parent’s house. I’m starving myself, hurting myself, spending every day all alone.
I have thought about seeing a therapist, but I don’t want my parents to spend even more money for me. Also would that even be worth it? What if it doesn’t get better? What if it does and then life just isn’t that great? I’m only 19 years old and yet I feel like I’ve been alive for way too long, longer than I want and longer than I deserve to be. My death would probably make more lives easier than it would make harder.
I don’t know what to do. The reason I even share this here is because for some reason I can’t get myself to killing myself, I don’t know why. I can’t go on like this.

@Eclipse_47 -
So grateful that you’re here. And for your willingness to share - it resonates with me. I too, suffer from depression and it went unnoticed (unintentionally) by my family for quite some time. I will tell you this though - I was 19 when I attempted to end it all. Obviously, that wasn’t part of the master plan, because here I am, still kicking at 33. Alive and well. And for the most part - extremely happy. But most of all grateful. I will also tell you, that it will get better, especially with help from a therapist (you truly can’t put a price on life) and a group of people that can whole heartedly relate to what you’re going through. Please, try not to look at yourself as a financial burden to any. Focus on what’s going to make it right and take the almighty dollar and your own depiction of worth out of it. Because your existence is valued. You may not be able to recognize it now, but you will. You matter, and you are loved. I hear you and I feel every ounce of your pain right now. Stay with us.

All of my love,

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Hey reading your story is like reading my own
Maybe we could talk and try and help each other understand why we feel the way we do ??
I was ready too really go tonight but now I’m here I’m reading story’s and I’m a bit annoyed with myself
I’m here if you want to talk x

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