Hi, I’m a girl in her freshman year of high school.
For the past few weeks I’ve been so so empty, I don’t feel like doing anything, I’m ghosting everyone I know, I stopped doing so many extracurriculars I used to love. It’s been weeks, and I find it hard to stay afloat in schoolwork (I live in a very academically rigorous community, and I have stereotypical tiger asian parents). I maintain very high grades, (A’s and an occasional B+), but I still never feel happy about it. It only makes me feel worse about my future.
I’ve also started tearing myself down even though I’m actively trying to live better. My mother is also a big factor in this: she is always angry. She bodyshames me a lot, despite me being healthy weight for my height. She snaps at me and yells whenever I express my sadness or ask for a motherly talk/hug. I know she has her own traumas that are hard for me to understand, but sometimes the only thing I need is reassurance and comfort, which I receive the opposite of. It hurts even more because I love my mama with my whole heart and I don’t get the feeling reciprocated. I love my dad too, and he reminds me of myself. He tries his best and I love him lots, but he’s not very emotionally available. I don’t know how to explain how or why I know, but I find him disassociating a lot as well.
I feel like my entire self image and worth is crumbling, and I feel so disconnected from reality. I don’t know how to describe it, but I always feel like I’m on autopilot mode, like I’m trapped in a shell of myself. Some of my friends have begun noticing. I didn’t know how bad it got until I heard my friends ask me things like “Are you okay, you’ve been so quiet today,”, (I’m normally super bubbly and outgoing) and the only thing I can say is how I need to focus on my work, but in reality I just sit in my chair and stare into nothing, preoccupied by whatever is bothering me.
I do really really wish I could run away into the woods and live in a happy little cabin by myself, go back to being a young kid, sleep forever, or that I was born a carefree animal, but I’ve never felt any suicidal or s/h tendencies. I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is depression, anxiety, or if it’s a normal part of life that comes with growing up. I find myself doing nothing in bed, bursting out crying randomly, and feeling disgusting so much. I really want to be able to feel emotions the way I used to, without feeling so disconnected and numb. Please help.
Thank you, and I love you all.