I feel so so down and I don't know what to do

Hi, I’m a girl in her freshman year of high school.

For the past few weeks I’ve been so so empty, I don’t feel like doing anything, I’m ghosting everyone I know, I stopped doing so many extracurriculars I used to love. It’s been weeks, and I find it hard to stay afloat in schoolwork (I live in a very academically rigorous community, and I have stereotypical tiger asian parents). I maintain very high grades, (A’s and an occasional B+), but I still never feel happy about it. It only makes me feel worse about my future.

I’ve also started tearing myself down even though I’m actively trying to live better. My mother is also a big factor in this: she is always angry. She bodyshames me a lot, despite me being healthy weight for my height. She snaps at me and yells whenever I express my sadness or ask for a motherly talk/hug. I know she has her own traumas that are hard for me to understand, but sometimes the only thing I need is reassurance and comfort, which I receive the opposite of. It hurts even more because I love my mama with my whole heart and I don’t get the feeling reciprocated. I love my dad too, and he reminds me of myself. He tries his best and I love him lots, but he’s not very emotionally available. I don’t know how to explain how or why I know, but I find him disassociating a lot as well.

I feel like my entire self image and worth is crumbling, and I feel so disconnected from reality. I don’t know how to describe it, but I always feel like I’m on autopilot mode, like I’m trapped in a shell of myself. Some of my friends have begun noticing. I didn’t know how bad it got until I heard my friends ask me things like “Are you okay, you’ve been so quiet today,”, (I’m normally super bubbly and outgoing) and the only thing I can say is how I need to focus on my work, but in reality I just sit in my chair and stare into nothing, preoccupied by whatever is bothering me.

I do really really wish I could run away into the woods and live in a happy little cabin by myself, go back to being a young kid, sleep forever, or that I was born a carefree animal, but I’ve never felt any suicidal or s/h tendencies. I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is depression, anxiety, or if it’s a normal part of life that comes with growing up. I find myself doing nothing in bed, bursting out crying randomly, and feeling disgusting so much. I really want to be able to feel emotions the way I used to, without feeling so disconnected and numb. Please help.

Thank you, and I love you all.

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Hey betterrlucknexttime

I’m sorry that you are experiencing such emptiness the past few weeks. It seems you have a lot of pressure on you and maybe you got a little overwhelmed/burnt out of doing all the activities you were doing, and maintaining your grades? Maybe a short break from everything was what you needed? I find that if I fall out of my routine, that it is sometimes hard to get back in it, especially with anxiety/depression, but once I start to get back into the routine, sometimes the routine and activities themselves help lift some of my depression. Just sometimes the anxiety of getting back into things can also be super overwhelming. I don’t think you should feel guilty for feeling the way you do. So maybe try to “force” yourself back into an extracurricular you used to love, and see if it helps to pass the time and lift the mood?

As far as the parents go. I think that sometimes this is a cultural thing that happens in some cultures. I have a lot of mainland Chinese friends, and they speak of weight in an endearing way that comes across as rude to people in the west. Cultural and Generational differences maybe making the communication harder. If you are sharing what you are going through, like you are, and asking for hugs and stuff. You are doing the best you can to communicate your needs, and if your mother isn’t willing to compromise in the way she treats you after that communication. Then you have to just kind of accept her personality and try to do YOUR best to be understanding. If the person across from you can not be understanding. You must do your best to compensate with acceptance and understanding of your own. I relate to having a father who did not show his emotions and I’m not sure the best way to approach that either. Except to do your best and communicate how you feel. So that you can at least be proud in trying your best. Again, changing people besides ourselves is not easy. It took my father almost dying from cancer to begin to open up, even just a little bit. I think that peoples own personal experiences are the things that are most likely to change them. But I also didn’t try my hardest to get him to open up. So all you can do is try your best, and hope for the best. I think this is where the value of trying to find and buildup self-love, self-care, and routines you enjoy around those things can become very important.

It does sound like there can be burnout here. I’m not saying that you don’t also maybe want to talk to a mental health professional or counselor if you are struggling really bad. Just that you might also have burnout contributing to the things you are feeling. When I have too high of expectations on myself and try to do too much without stopping it can often lead to my mental becoming very overwhelmed and start to lose some of its ability to cope. I think that you should feel okay crying, as it is a release and not feel guilty about it. Crying is natural, and its okay if you need to cry sometimes. I think that some questions to look at inwardly would be if you can find roots to why you are feeling the feelings you are, and try to address them.

An example would be, why do you think you are disgusting? If you can pinpoint why and then try to build a self-care routine around making improvements to that specific thing bothering you. It might help some. I know sometimes there just doesn’t seem to be a why though, and that is okay. Talking about it can be a good way to process it. I don’t think you are disgusting at all. You are someone going through it and trying to figure out what to do about it. I think a combination of trying to start doing the things you used to love again slowly, and maybe talking to a counselor about what you are going through, could both be good options to start trying to feel better.

We are all different but I hope you can find some lift in spirit to help you get out of the funk you are in. Thanks for sharing and please feel free to share more if you ever want/need. :heart:

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