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I feel so worthless

I suffer from severe depression. In the last six months I lost my cousin from familial ALS, my mother-in-law, my mother, I left my wife because of emotional and physical abuse and now my father has congestive heart failure. I could not even make this up if I tried. On top of this I have been suicidal since at least last January. I am out of gas. I do not know how I can go on

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Hey friend,
I am so very sorry to hear of all the loss you are experiencing and how that has ultimately affected your mental health. My heart absolutely goes out to you. Thank you for posting here, I am so glad you found this community and hope that we can be of some support for you in this time. Please check out www.betterhelp.com/heartsupport to talk with a live counselor, and the HeartSupport website for more resources for what you’re experiencing. Of course, there is always this forum, the Twitch.tv/heartsupport live streams Monday, Wednesday, Friday and various other ways for you to find help now. You matter so much and are so loved. Its okay to feel how you do, its okay to grieve, but please from the bottom of my heart, stay. Lean on this community. Love you.

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Thanks for sharing and I’m so sorry to hear about all this. Your spot on when you said you can’t make this up, the thing that sticks out to me is how strong you’ve been. You’ve had a lot on your plate (that feels like a huge understatement) and your here with us. I wish I had some awesome advice but I can’t even imagine what you’ve dealt with. I just hope you see the strength in yourself that I see in what you shared.

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Thank you so much. I have suffered from depression that I know of for at least eight years. I have came really close to taking my life twice. Extremely close. Too close. That was before all this other stuff happened. I am numb, lost and feel like I cannot go on any longer like this. I maintain a very good professional job and life somehow. I have been in counseling at least a year and she says I am high functioning despite severe depression. I hide it well from everybody else and I don’t want to let anybody down as a professional. I am look to as a leader But if they only knew. It is such a chore every day to stay alive. It requires so much energy just to do that. I hope you can reply again. Your words of encouragement a very meaningful

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Hey ChefMatt,
It can be so easy to put a mask on and hide behind it. Even easier to let the mask become a security. Being vulnerable and letting people in is hard, especially when we have responsibilities like work, but I am so proud of you for finding an outlet to be vulnerable. Thank you for letting us in and know a part of your story. Depression is a beast and one that can consume some of the best parts of us. As someone who has and is suffering from depression as well, its hard to find a healthy balance in feeling emotions and going forward. Far too often I find myself in the boat of complacency, maybe you can relate with the feelings of numbness and feeling lost. I can see that you are a fighter, friend. You fought so hard to not take your life on two occasions and you’re still going! That is huge! I am glad to hear that you are already in counseling, it is important that you have a space to work through these things, especially with all you have lost. It is so inspiring to know you, someone who is working, maintaining a life, in counseling, and fighting to keep alive everyday. It may feel like a chore to stay alive, but you are someone who has value and a story of importance, someone who is able to encourage others by living your story. I’m not a professional, just a regular person who cares, but maybe you can find some things you enjoy doing and put energy into that. I know that for me, I recently got back into writing. Nothing great, but I enjoy sending notes, letters, and remembering peoples birthdays with a card. For me, sending those little notes, letting people know they are cared for and matter, it does something for me too. I’m not sure your interests or what fills you up with purpose, but its okay to explore those things. Hopefully you can do that here through Heartsupport and check out the articles HS has about depression, etc. You are valued, you are loved, you matter. Hope to hear from you again.

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Hello,
What an incredible note you just wrote to me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is so hard every day just to muster up the energy to get up. It is even harder to go to work every day. Lately I know I have not been 100% and that bothers me because I feel like as a leader I am letting people down. So many people look up to me yet I am so broken and I feel like I am on the verge of total breakdown several times throughout the day. somehow I have carried on but I don’t know how much longer I can go. Your words are incredibly meaningful and were so good to read. I need to get back into running, biking and playing soccer. But finding the energy as I said before is very difficult. How can I exercise when the best I can do is get out of bed each day?

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From: dariandaotter

Heya Friend! Know that your not alone and you are loved! If you need anything feel free to reach on out! Don’t give up no matter what!

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From: all_around_ashley

hey , I was in a similar position with you and my own issues and I just get like I wanted to give up that I felt like what I was doing wasn’t for me . With you loosing your family it takes time to heal it takes time to fight . you are not alone . We will be here for you . With you and the gf I’m sorry that has been happening . Please keep fighting . Please keep us updated . We want you alive and we believe in you ! Hold fast!

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I’m sorry for everything you’re going through. Please remember you’re loved. Sometimes all you can do is take one day at a time and just focus on making it through. Hold fast friend. :heart:

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Hey ChefMatt,
Its completely okay to feel how you are feeling. It is huge that you are getting out of bed every day and going to work. I honestly don’t think I would be able to in your shoes, but you are displaying so much strength by continuing to get up. Its also okay to take some time off and rest too, though. Leaders are humans, they are allowed to have bad days, weak moments, and lean on others for support. Often times showing that humanness, speaks to others and shows that you have so much character and development, it can be inspiring, much like how you’ve inspired me to be vulnerable with others. I was in a leadership position some years back and pretending I was okay all the time actually was harming my relationships. It wasn’t until I sought help through counseling and took a week off of work that my situation at the time improved. Granted our situations I’m sure are not the same in that example, I hope that you can see its okay to take a step back and care for yourself. You are worthy of self-care, you are worthy of doing something that fills you up, even if that looks like having a day to binge on Netflix shows. If taking time off work isn’t an option, its okay to utilize the weekends, too. You are loved, friend, so much. I hope you know that. Standing with you.

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Hey @Chefmatt We discussed your topic on the Danmakeshismark Twitch stream. He also made you some cool art! Here’s the live video response! If you would like the picture, please email Dan. [email protected]

Hold Fast

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I also feel this way. I’ve always prided myself on being a strong, independent person but lately i can’t do housework. Im angry at work although im very good at my job. I’m constantly nit picking everyone and i know it’s because I’m not happy, but i don’t know how to stop. I was self confident and incredibly in love until out of the blue, my husband of 21, years was caught cheating. With 75 women he’s admitted too. I’m deflated. I feel that I’m not worth anything. My self confidence is gone. I know in my heart im not responsible for his actions, but im drowning, and i don’t know what to do aanymore. I always trusted my gut and i didn’t see this, so im self doubting every decision to the point i can’t make one. i need help. Ive never in my life asked for help and i don’t know what to do.

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Friend I am so sorry for all of the hardships you have had to face in the last 6 months. That can’t be easy. Losing loved ones sucks. Been there. There is always a part of us that feels like it’s missing when someone has gone, I know.
Breaking from relationships is also hard. I recently went through a divorce. It was hard, stressful, frustrating and really left me feeling like crap. You are not alone.
But even in all of this crud, things can get better I assure you.
I understand why you would feel like you are out of energy to give and feel hopeless right now, but friend I hope and pray that you will find peace and comfort. Strength and courage. Because you matter.

I know this was written 12 days ago. But I wanted to send you some love and check on you. I hope that you are feeling at least a little better and know that if you ever need a place to reach out that we are here for you.

Lots of love.

  • Kitty