I’ve been really stressing lately. I told myself for a very long time that when I turn 18 I will move out and start living my life on my own. I’ve only wanted this so bad because I didnt have a great childhood. I dealt with a lot of abuse growing up. I’ve also dealt with a lot of depression and self harm. As of right now moving out will be delayed a bit. I’ve had terrible experiences with my two past jobs. I’ve been looking for a job for many months and no luck. No one will give me a chance. And plus right now theres this coronavirus that keeps getting spread around and I dont know if people are really going to hire right now. I feel stuck and idk what to do. I just want to start living my life without my father’s control. I also cant figure out what I want to do as a career yet. I’ve dreamed all my life that I would start a band and start touring or at least something in music. That’s still my dream. But this dream I have gets crushed and crumbled everytime my dad yells and threatens me that he going to force me into the military. My dad makes me feel like I am not capable of anything. Im not capable of achieving anything. He makes me feel so small…
You’ve been carrying some heavy things on your shoulders, in your heart, for such a long time. I’m sorry, friend. Abuse, depression, self-harm, your job experiences, your dad’s behavior… I wish you never had to experience any of this. You deserve so much better.
I too dealt with a lot of abuse as I grew up. And I had this same dream to go somewhere else as I turn 18. Somehow, life happened and I ended to leave sooner than I expected, but it led me to other struggles. I’m sorry you feel stuck right now. With all of those things happening around you… This is not meant to last. There is a brighter future ahead.
It’s okay if you don’t know yet what career you want to do. It is in fact very rare to know that at first and follow the same path for your entire life. We have to give a try to what seems to be the most interesting to us, to see how it goes. And, you know, this dream about starting a band or doing something in music isn’t impossible. Of course, living of a passion is not easy, but I’d like to think that it’s not impossible. There are so many possibilities when it’s about music. Nothing is written already. And it’s already awesome to be able to identify what’s in your heart. When we have strong goals, we’re more willing to take the steps to reach them.
Your dad is wrong. I understand why some parents use threats to explain their opinion or position about something. But it’s not a loving thing to say. It’s not the right way to express ourselves.
You are capable of great things. There is potential in your heart, in your soul. And you already accomplished a lot. You’e been through some pretty bad days but you are still here. Maybe your dad isn’t aware of this… but it’s his loss. I am personally honored to be aware of some parts of your story and see how strong you’ve been despite all the things you mentioned.
I know that it’s hard not to believe what your beloved ones say when it only makes you feel bad about yourself. You have worth and value though. You have strenghts, qualities, talents that are only yours. And sometimes it’s a matter of meeting the right circumstances so we can express ourselves entirely and show this world who we are deep inside.
I don’t know anything about your relationship with your dad, obviously. So sorry if this question is a bit naive, but do you think there is a possibility to try to communicate with him and let him know how their words make you feel? Sometimes it’s worth to give it a try. But I understand that in some families it’s not possible to do that.
You matter friend.
You are beautiful just as you are. Really.
Edit: I forgot to mention, but there are some resources available here: https://heartsupport.com/resources/ Maybe some of them could be helpful to you - thinking about the workbooks especially.
I remember being that age and thriving to leave home. Like you I had a really hard upbringing and lived in a very broken home so I wanted out very early. Due to heavy depression and toxic environment I began to self harm when I was in Jr high school. So I can relate.
Job search is so hard. My partner is also looking and it’s been rough. I know how discouraging and under motivating it can be, when you try but then get rejected or never hear from anyone. It easily can make you feel like you’re not good enough. Which isn’t true.
And with corona, things being shut down, so many places are putting a pause on recruitment, people are being sent home from work and school. So it feels like our whole life is on hold. It’s stressful isn’t it?
It’s hard when you just want to do what you need to move forward and everything around you is stopping you. Feeling stuck. Trapped. Living in the control of others when you just want to have your own space and cut the shackles off your ankles.
Friend, I know things are feeling hard right now, at home and around the globe. And I know hearing the pressures of guardians and others can be deflating. I know the weight of feeling so small. You are not alone and I’m so sorry that you’re not feeling very supported right now
There is hope my friend. And you are among a family like community where you are always welcome to come hang with, talk to and participate in. Have you joined the discord yet? https://discord.gg/rXBAC4
Look, you matter. What you are feeling matters. How you are feeling is completely valid and understandable. I know that harsh words from parents can be crushing but just know that you do hold value. You are loveable. Despite how you may feel right now.
Stay strong my friend. I know that things are really hard right now especially with corona, but it’ll get better. We support you. And if you need a safe space we are here to encourage you.
I hope that you’re able to find the resources and outlets you need, so you can achieve your goals and break out of living under the trapping roof you do right now and that you’re able to feel happier and more fulfilled. I know these things take time sometimes but you will get there.
I want to thank you all, @anon17277947, @Micro, and @Cp2231, for all the kind words and support. It’s really nice to know there is somewhere I can go to and get support. I am grateful that theres really wonderful people on here to help. Again thank you guys so much
Of course! I’m glad that it could bring a little comfort. Please, never hesitate to reach out okay? Here or on discord. Seriously.