I feel totally lost with myself

[Kohan]

I don’t know who I am and I don’t know who I want to be.I feel like I spend too much time alone, I need to see people, get my mind straight, but I can’t .

I feel like I’m in a better place than I was a few months ago, but I’ve never felt that lost and anxious about myself. I lost a bit of weight but I’m not satisfied, I don’t know if I should really try to lose it or not. I don’t feel ready to face judgment, to change, but I want to. I need and want friends, but it’s like I can’t. I am stuck in my head, stuck within my body. Everything, my thoughts, my feelings, me. I’m lost and scared. Scared of myself, scared of the world, scared that I will stay like this for the rest of my life. I’m sad that I can’t meet people’s expectations, that I can’t be and do what I want to, because something is stopping me and I don’t know what. I feel dumb and stupid. I feel like I’m wasting my life, and that no matter how hard I try, I’ll only fall lower than I already am.

I don’t want to make mistakes, because I can’t deal with them, and associate with people only to be judged, and talk about myself because it’s hard to open up. I don’t have anything to say to people, I can’t maintain a conversation, I can’t stick to goals, and I don’t know how to do things for my own personal happiness. I don’t even know how I feel anymore. It’s like I’m empty inside, but I’m always on the verge of crying, like there’s something heavy on my heart. I keep trying to avoid my problems but it doesn’t help at all. I was shy at first but now, it’s not about shyness. I don’t know what I became. But it hurts.

[limeytea]

pal, you are not dumb or stupid, there’s nothing wrong about feeling lost. i know it can be hard, but getting a therapist can really help you manage your thoughts. it can be tough to find the right one sometimes, but it’s so worth it. i’ve even seen some people go on antidepressants and feel like they can finally find themselves. it can be scary, but the possibilities are endless and you’ll find something that really clicks with you. for conversations, i was the same way, but even practically by yourself or with a potential therapist can really help build those conversation skills. it’s just a skill that you have to learn, so there’s no shame in not knowing how to do it right away. for setting goals, maybe even just small goals like brushing your teeth everyday or cooking every few days can be really helpful to spark accomplishment. don’t feel bad for not meeting goals either, not everyone can, and sometimes failure comes with it, but as long as you’re here and still trying, you’re doing great.