SLIGHT PHYSICAL ABUSE AND PERHAPS MILD SWEARING
So for almost as long as I can remember my mother has done this thing where when I am being too snarky, sarcastic, am being obnoxious, annoying, or letting the fullness of my personality break through, and she finds it not appealing to her, she will slap me. Yes, you read that right. The main places are on my arm, leg, or my head. She’s done it for so long that I never thought it was abuse until I was telling a story to one of my friends and they asked if she reacted that way often. I responded “yes”, and they had such a concerned look on their face. They then asked me if it hurt whenever she did that and I said “yes”, again. We had a conversation about it and we looked at some websites together, they were verified I promise, and I realized that it actually is abuse. Now, you’re probably wondering why I didn’t contact CPS or the police when I made the realization. That was because there were no marks, and still aren’t any marks, to prove that I’m telling the truth. One of my friends had actually told the school about it and the school contacted CPS, but since my mother, and my father actually, reacted negatively towards the authorities being contacted, I talked my way out of it. I said “Oh, it was probably just a communication error. They might’ve heard me wrong, got concerned, and wanted to tell someone so that I wouldn’t be in danger.” My parents believed me and life went on. However, after that, my mother started landing the hits harder, and more frequent. It may not be the best thing to do, but since around last year I’ve started to hit her back. She always says “don’t hit your mother”. When I respond “You hit me first” she says that since she’s my mother she’s allowed to. She always says shit like that to me. Also I would like to point out that this all became a LOT more prevalent AFTER I came out. It may corollate, but I haven’t quite figured out how just yet.
The reason I tell this story is because recently this, coupled with things she told me when I came out and things that are said around me in the house, have been leading my mind to a very dark place. I’ve almost relapsed in self-harm on multiple occasions. I haven’t though, which is good I guess, but it’s getting harder to resist it. It got the point one night where I broke apart one of my razors to get to the blades inside. It’s what I did when I was in the heart of self-harming. Aka, doing it nearly every day. I don’t want to get to that point. I want to leave it in the past. But dammit it’s hard not to think about it. I feel like it wouldn’t matter if I did this, but then I also remember all the nice things people say to me. It’s difficult to continue a fight I don’t see a point in. So many of my close friends say that they would miss me extremely if something happened where I was no longer around. So many people tell me that I’m important to them and to the world, but I don’t feel it. My partner constantly reminds me how much I mean to them, and I want to trust them fully, but part of me can’t and I don’t know why.
I just don’t want to worry about this. Whether the hand my mother has raised will land on me or not. I don’t want to worry about whether my partner legit loves me or if my friends truly like to hang out with me. I want to stop worrying about what people truly feel when I’m around. I don’t want to worry about what I can and can’t say around my mother. I want to be able to express how I feel to my family without being brushed off. I want to feel truly loved and cared for by my blood family. I want them to care. I don’t want to hide my true self from them because they don’t approve of who I am. I just don’t want to be afraid of being myself around those I hold near and dear to my heart.
I’m sorry I rambled for so long. I didn’t expect to type this long. Thank you for reading and I’ll speak to you guys soon.
. I hope you with the help of people around you can find a solution to this problem. Remember you are very strong and you can truly be proud of that. I wish you luck and I hope things will get better for you. 
