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I feel worse and I hate it

:warning: SLIGHT PHYSICAL ABUSE AND PERHAPS MILD SWEARING :warning:

So for almost as long as I can remember my mother has done this thing where when I am being too snarky, sarcastic, am being obnoxious, annoying, or letting the fullness of my personality break through, and she finds it not appealing to her, she will slap me. Yes, you read that right. The main places are on my arm, leg, or my head. She’s done it for so long that I never thought it was abuse until I was telling a story to one of my friends and they asked if she reacted that way often. I responded “yes”, and they had such a concerned look on their face. They then asked me if it hurt whenever she did that and I said “yes”, again. We had a conversation about it and we looked at some websites together, they were verified I promise, and I realized that it actually is abuse. Now, you’re probably wondering why I didn’t contact CPS or the police when I made the realization. That was because there were no marks, and still aren’t any marks, to prove that I’m telling the truth. One of my friends had actually told the school about it and the school contacted CPS, but since my mother, and my father actually, reacted negatively towards the authorities being contacted, I talked my way out of it. I said “Oh, it was probably just a communication error. They might’ve heard me wrong, got concerned, and wanted to tell someone so that I wouldn’t be in danger.” My parents believed me and life went on. However, after that, my mother started landing the hits harder, and more frequent. It may not be the best thing to do, but since around last year I’ve started to hit her back. She always says “don’t hit your mother”. When I respond “You hit me first” she says that since she’s my mother she’s allowed to. She always says shit like that to me. Also I would like to point out that this all became a LOT more prevalent AFTER I came out. It may corollate, but I haven’t quite figured out how just yet.

The reason I tell this story is because recently this, coupled with things she told me when I came out and things that are said around me in the house, have been leading my mind to a very dark place. I’ve almost relapsed in self-harm on multiple occasions. I haven’t though, which is good I guess, but it’s getting harder to resist it. It got the point one night where I broke apart one of my razors to get to the blades inside. It’s what I did when I was in the heart of self-harming. Aka, doing it nearly every day. I don’t want to get to that point. I want to leave it in the past. But dammit it’s hard not to think about it. I feel like it wouldn’t matter if I did this, but then I also remember all the nice things people say to me. It’s difficult to continue a fight I don’t see a point in. So many of my close friends say that they would miss me extremely if something happened where I was no longer around. So many people tell me that I’m important to them and to the world, but I don’t feel it. My partner constantly reminds me how much I mean to them, and I want to trust them fully, but part of me can’t and I don’t know why.

I just don’t want to worry about this. Whether the hand my mother has raised will land on me or not. I don’t want to worry about whether my partner legit loves me or if my friends truly like to hang out with me. I want to stop worrying about what people truly feel when I’m around. I don’t want to worry about what I can and can’t say around my mother. I want to be able to express how I feel to my family without being brushed off. I want to feel truly loved and cared for by my blood family. I want them to care. I don’t want to hide my true self from them because they don’t approve of who I am. I just don’t want to be afraid of being myself around those I hold near and dear to my heart.

I’m sorry I rambled for so long. I didn’t expect to type this long. Thank you for reading and I’ll speak to you guys soon.

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Hello FaeTheProud :slightly_smiling_face:
Thank you for sharing your story. As I have read these lines i have became a bit angry. I really dont like it when parents start to justify things like hitting their kids. No they do NOT have the right to do so. I am glad that you have not relapsed into self harm and have not experienced more pain that way. You are strong for doing that. I would try talking to the school councelors again about the whole situacion. Not immediately taking action but rather discuss with them what your options are in that matter. Also I am curious what your father thinks about your mother hurting you like that. I am sorry that you struggle with not knowing what people truly think and how they feel about you. That is something that I have problems too with :upside_down_face:. I hope you with the help of people around you can find a solution to this problem. Remember you are very strong and you can truly be proud of that. I wish you luck and I hope things will get better for you. :slightly_smiling_face:

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@Ashwell That whole debacle was in my senior year of high school when a classmate got concerned. I’m a first year in college now and do live on campus. But since it’s winter break I’m switching houses like I would if I did live here at home. My father really doesn’t think anything of it because of how I talked myself out of the whole situation with CPS and all that. Thank you for responding!!

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I suspect that you’ve blocked feelings related to the abuse, and that numbness has affected your ability to feel the positive support you’re receiving from your partner and friends. The way you talk about your mom indicates to me that you still love her despite how she’s treated you, and the suppressed anger related to the abuse, has also suppressed your ability to feel the positive expressions expressed by those around you.

You are an adult now, and her hits are officially assaults. Don’t stand for it. Insist on being respected. If your mom says she loves you, tell her that a wholesome love can’t exist in the absence of respect. Don’t hit her back. That only validates hitting as something “right” to do.

If you can’t be yourself in your family’s presence, they are loving who they think you are. That’s not an easy situation, but a very common one. At some point, you will be independent, and their love will be challenged when you come out. They may surprise you in a good way.

I was estranged from my family, so ended up considering close friends to be my family. Doing that made me vastly happier than I ever was being with my family.

What effect will your worry have on how people feel about you? It won’t improve anything. If others sense your worry, there’s a good chance they’ll worry about what you feel toward them. Confidence in relationships nurtures them. The trust established is reciprocal. If a friend turns out to be a jerk, at least you enjoyed them for a while. One of the best tests of a friendship is how willing each person is to look past an event that led to them being disappointed with each other.

Your “homework assignment” is to work on relaxing, and investing trust in those you feel deserve it.

I’m really sleepy, so I’m signing off. I hope you feel better.

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@Wings Thank you for such a detailed response. I really appreciate it. You’d be right in saying that I probably have blocked a lot of things related to the abuse. You’re also right in saying that I do love my mother despite what she’s done. She’s always been there for me and tried to make my childhood a good one even though my father decided to leave. I also never really knew how to put it into words so thank you for putting the reason, for lack of a better term here, I have so much trouble accepting positive affirmations from other people into words. Thank you for taking the time to read AND respond. It means a lot to me :sparkling_heart:

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi @FaeTheProud You’ve received so much great support, I just wanted to tell you that I’m so proud that you did not self harm. I know how hard that is to do. When you start to think about it, distract yourself. Go find something to do that is totally far from whatever has triggered you or that can free you from those thoughts. Something healthy. Also, remind yourself why you stopped in the first place and be proud of yourself. ~Mystrose

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Friend, Thanks for posting, Im sorry this is happening to you, its strange isnt it how we just accept things until someone points out that what we are accepting is completely unacceptable and we didnt even think about it? I am glad you had that conversation with your friend because although you have not been able to stop your mums behaviour, I am glad you are aware that is is wrong and I hope that you know that nothing you do or have done makes it right, hitting someone or being violent is never the answer. I hope that one day someone can explain that properly to your mum. I want to also say how proud I am of you for not giving in to hurting yourself, you could so easily have given in to it and you didnt and that is so good. I want you to know that you do not deserve this treatment. you deserve respected and loved for exactly who you are and you are an amazing human being. Much Love Lisa. x

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From: SuchBlue

Hi FaeTheProud,

Thanks for sharing this with us on the forum. It’s really not nice that your mother feels entitled to have the right to do this to you, as it is clearly not right. While I do understand that you always want your blood family to care for you just like how you care for them, it unfortunately isn’t always possible and action has to be taken. Also, there is really not a need to feel like your friends and partner don’t like to hang out with you / be around you! If they didn’t like to do so, they simply just wouldn’t be friends with you in the first place. You are very lucky to have good friends and I hope that you and your friends can together make this situation better :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:

Wish you all the best ~SuchBlue :hrtlegolove:

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, FaeTheProud! Thank you for your post :hrtlegolove: I’m so sorry about the abuse you suffered at your mother’s hands for so long. No parent should hit their child for any reason. Your mother has some very serious issues that I hope she finds help for and I hope that you are safely away from her. If you want your dad to understand perhaps you could tell him why you lied to CPS. Maybe you can help him see that what she did was wrong (which he shouldn’t need help seeing) and he can help her get the help she needs. That’s only if you feel comfortable doing so ofc.

But this is about you, not her. You are a strong person and I hope you are able recognise that. To have endured that childhood and to still want to love and trust people shows just how strong you are even if you sometimes struggle to feel that trust. Have you spoken to your partner about this struggle? I know that can be difficult but maybe they can help you learn to trust what they and others say when they say they care about you. I hope you find all the love you deserve in life (it’s lots and lots) and that you find the courage to trust in that love.

This community cares about you. I care about you. You matter and you are worthy of all the love in the world. Stay strong, friend :hrtlegolove:

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