I forgot how to be me cause i went to deep on peop

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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Hot To Be Me by Ren Ft Chinchilla
I forgot how to be me, cause I went to deep on people pleasing for years on end, coupled with lying about all things that could make a fuzz if I didn’t lie. Even knowing that when the lie comes to the surface, there is a bigger fuzz, and they always come floating. And then ignorantly trying to mask the lie with more lies.
Even lying to my self. Not holding up to agreements and promises to myself.

Lying became a habit after 35 years of making excuses about, why I was late, why I forgot, why I didn’t do what I said I’d do, about all kinds of stuff.
It led to the point that I was numb, and the only feelings that I could still access where anger and laughter (not real happy laughter but the kind you have when you watch a comedy) the kind that fade away quickly. Every feeling in between was filtered out, or convinced myself and others I was feeling, I guess that’s called masking or falls under that term.

At 35 after 2 years of therapy, I was diagnosed ADHD. lying is not a symptom of ADHD, but because of all the things that do come with ADHD. I created the habit to mask my mistakes, my forgetfulness, my lack of focus.
I disappointed so many people so many times, including myself. That my focus became pleasing others more to make up for it. Even with the soul focus on that purpose I kept disappointing people. Which led me to not trusting myself. Not trusting my judgment, not trusting others. All the while losing myself further and further. My coping skills where hiding, lying, porn/masturbation, escaping in to other worlds through video games and TV shows and to a certain extent alcohol.
Just to numb my feelings towards myself a little, and never in a toxic way. I always had control over it. Always only after, or just before dinner the first beer. In general only 2 to 3 beers a day with some spikes to 7 times 33 cl cans of beer. I hate the feeling of being totally drunk, mostly because that would always lead to puking. So I always tried to stay away from that. I never saw my self as alcoholic since I never craved for the booze. And when I quit doing it every day when my (twin) kids where born 3 years back I did not struggle with it. But on the down side I did notice more focus troubles. And on the plus side, better quality of sleep. Which leaves me to belive that my alcohol consumption was some kind of self medication for my ADHD, unconsciously lessening the symptoms of ADHD, this and lots of coffee.
On occasion I still consumed alcohol. But since last year when I started medicating for my ADHD, I can count the number of alcoholic drinks on 2 hands. The last time I drank 3 pints of beer was 8 weeks ago. I knew I wanted to drink that evening, so I didn’t take medication that day. Otherwise the alcohol will have more effect, faster. But then I noticed I had 2 nights of bad quality sleep. So for me it is not worth it anymore to drink alcohol. Sleep has became very important to me, since life with kids does not guarantee full nights of sleep. (this segment has gone longer then I anticipated).

I’m now digging in to myself, re-exploring myself. Discovering what my own boundaries are instead of ignoring this if it pleases others, and exploring how to express them. But it is hard to figure out what my true boundaries are when my mindset still goes to thinking for others. this proses is hard and everyone around me keeps stepping on my brakes. Not getting the validation I need, not understanding me, and I find it hard to explain. Hard to express my needs because what are my needs. How to find them if my first instinct is to always first think on the needs of others. Which also is very odd. Because when someone expressed that they wanted the truth and only that, then I could not please. I wish it was as easy as knowing it, disagreeing with it, flipping the switch and not lie anymore.

I’ve hurt people with my lies and now asking for patience, respect and understanding feels wrong. And the reactions that I get, I do understand, but does not help me. Finding my way back to myself is hard, when you forgot who you are. And it is scary.
Meditating, yoga, Journaling and workouts seem to help. But it goes slow. And when triggers happen, where I would normally lie, get frustrated or hide myself. I still find it hard to react in other ways then I did for years. It feels like it would be easier to leave. Live somewhere by myself to rediscover and when I’m done, just start over with new people. But life is not supposed to be easy. I would miss my wife, my kids and my job. But for now, I miss being me, who ever that is. And I’m eager to find out.
To anyone else who is battling Something. I wish you strength, endurance, love, understanding, luck and compassion from yourself and others.


It is a huge step to reach out for help and talk about your experiences so that is a win right there!
It is amazing that you are actively looking to find yourself through better coping mechanisms, another big win and it is amazing that you are putting in the work to make yourself feel better and taking action. I understand the journey can be slow and tedious and sometimes frustrating but it is great that you are eager to continue with it.
I am rooting for you!

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hey friend, thank you for being here and for being vulnerable with the things that weigh heavy on your heart and mind. your own perseverance and mindfulness to identify an obstacle that you wish to overcome is admirable. it’s so easy to find a lie to hide behind but your willingness to grow is incredible. you deserve the patience, respect, and understanding - it may feel wrong and scary but you’re making strides towards an exciting future. re-discovering yourself is also extremely scary but i know with your wife and kids by your side, you’ll be okay! i’m also proud of you for venturing into meditation, yoga, journaling, and exercise to see what sticks! as you have wished towards others, i also return the same warm wishes to you of strength, endurance, love, understanding, luck, and compassion for yourself and all those that are in your life. may your path ahead be smooth and you find out new and exciting things about yourself, your boundaries, and your heart. you got this, my friend, i believe in you.

Hey there friend!

Thank you for being so open and honest with us. Your conscience effort and words are moving. I have nothing but respect for that. Life can be so tricky at times, and it can be so easy to lose yourself along the journey.

The decisions you are making now show your true colors. Making big positive life changes can be awfully grueling at times, but it is worth it. I’m excited for you and your journey, you have a bright future my friend. Even though others may not be as understanding or patient with you, please remember to be patient and love yourself. Thank you for sharing. Your story and message will help others I promise you.

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Thank you for sharing your story with such openness and honesty. I’m so sorry that you’ve been through such an incredibly challenging journey, grappling with habits and patterns that have deeply affected your sense of self and your relationships. It’s clear you’ve made considerable efforts to understand and address these issues, especially in recognizing the impact of ADHD on your behavior and how it intertwines with other aspects of your life.

Rediscovering yourself after years of people-pleasing and masking your true feelings is no small feat. It’s a process that can feel slow and sometimes frustrating, as you’ve noted. It’s important to acknowledge the steps you’ve already taken towards healing, like therapy, and now medications for ADHD, along with healthier habits like meditating, yoga, journaling, and workouts. These are significant steps that show your commitment to change and personal growth.

The struggle with lying and the subsequent mistrust it breeds can indeed make it hard to feel deserving of patience, respect, and understanding from others. But asking for these things is not only fair but necessary as you work through these deeply ingrained patterns. It’s okay to ask for space and support as you navigate this challenging period of self-discovery and transformation. Remember, change is a process, and slips can happen. What matters is your continued effort to move forward.

You mentioned the idea of starting anew, which reflects a strong desire for a clean slate where old habits and judgments don’t weigh you down. While it’s appealing, it’s also worth considering how you can incorporate the essence of that fresh start into your current life. Sometimes, setting clear boundaries with others, even if it’s initially uncomfortable, can help create that new beginning without having to leave everything behind.

In terms of finding your needs when you’re used to prioritizing others, this could be something to explore more in your journaling or discussions with a therapist. It might start with small decisions, like choosing what you genuinely want to do in a day, rather than what you think you should do. Each small decision to prioritize your needs is a step towards understanding yourself better.

It’s great that you’ve found some strategies that help, even if progress feels slow. Healing and self-discovery aren’t linear and often require time and continued effort. Keep allowing yourself the space to explore who you are and what you need without judgment.

Please remember that you are not alone in this journey, and although I’m unable to be there for you physically, you can always reach out to me with a reply. Hope you the best of luck in your personal discovery, and a relaxing weekend ahead.


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