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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Hot To Be Me by Ren Ft Chinchilla
I forgot how to be me, cause I went to deep on people pleasing for years on end, coupled with lying about all things that could make a fuzz if I didn’t lie. Even knowing that when the lie comes to the surface, there is a bigger fuzz, and they always come floating. And then ignorantly trying to mask the lie with more lies.
Even lying to my self. Not holding up to agreements and promises to myself.
Lying became a habit after 35 years of making excuses about, why I was late, why I forgot, why I didn’t do what I said I’d do, about all kinds of stuff.
It led to the point that I was numb, and the only feelings that I could still access where anger and laughter (not real happy laughter but the kind you have when you watch a comedy) the kind that fade away quickly. Every feeling in between was filtered out, or convinced myself and others I was feeling, I guess that’s called masking or falls under that term.
At 35 after 2 years of therapy, I was diagnosed ADHD. lying is not a symptom of ADHD, but because of all the things that do come with ADHD. I created the habit to mask my mistakes, my forgetfulness, my lack of focus.
I disappointed so many people so many times, including myself. That my focus became pleasing others more to make up for it. Even with the soul focus on that purpose I kept disappointing people. Which led me to not trusting myself. Not trusting my judgment, not trusting others. All the while losing myself further and further. My coping skills where hiding, lying, porn/masturbation, escaping in to other worlds through video games and TV shows and to a certain extent alcohol.
Just to numb my feelings towards myself a little, and never in a toxic way. I always had control over it. Always only after, or just before dinner the first beer. In general only 2 to 3 beers a day with some spikes to 7 times 33 cl cans of beer. I hate the feeling of being totally drunk, mostly because that would always lead to puking. So I always tried to stay away from that. I never saw my self as alcoholic since I never craved for the booze. And when I quit doing it every day when my (twin) kids where born 3 years back I did not struggle with it. But on the down side I did notice more focus troubles. And on the plus side, better quality of sleep. Which leaves me to belive that my alcohol consumption was some kind of self medication for my ADHD, unconsciously lessening the symptoms of ADHD, this and lots of coffee.
On occasion I still consumed alcohol. But since last year when I started medicating for my ADHD, I can count the number of alcoholic drinks on 2 hands. The last time I drank 3 pints of beer was 8 weeks ago. I knew I wanted to drink that evening, so I didn’t take medication that day. Otherwise the alcohol will have more effect, faster. But then I noticed I had 2 nights of bad quality sleep. So for me it is not worth it anymore to drink alcohol. Sleep has became very important to me, since life with kids does not guarantee full nights of sleep. (this segment has gone longer then I anticipated).
I’m now digging in to myself, re-exploring myself. Discovering what my own boundaries are instead of ignoring this if it pleases others, and exploring how to express them. But it is hard to figure out what my true boundaries are when my mindset still goes to thinking for others. this proses is hard and everyone around me keeps stepping on my brakes. Not getting the validation I need, not understanding me, and I find it hard to explain. Hard to express my needs because what are my needs. How to find them if my first instinct is to always first think on the needs of others. Which also is very odd. Because when someone expressed that they wanted the truth and only that, then I could not please. I wish it was as easy as knowing it, disagreeing with it, flipping the switch and not lie anymore.
I’ve hurt people with my lies and now asking for patience, respect and understanding feels wrong. And the reactions that I get, I do understand, but does not help me. Finding my way back to myself is hard, when you forgot who you are. And it is scary.
Meditating, yoga, Journaling and workouts seem to help. But it goes slow. And when triggers happen, where I would normally lie, get frustrated or hide myself. I still find it hard to react in other ways then I did for years. It feels like it would be easier to leave. Live somewhere by myself to rediscover and when I’m done, just start over with new people. But life is not supposed to be easy. I would miss my wife, my kids and my job. But for now, I miss being me, who ever that is. And I’m eager to find out.
To anyone else who is battling Something. I wish you strength, endurance, love, understanding, luck and compassion from yourself and others.
@heartsupport