I’ve suddenly become angry at multiple things when the thought came to mind: My abuser probably wishes I was dead.
Sorting through my thoughts and blurry memories, a lot of individuals may hold the same desire. Sometimes, myself included.
I’d like to live to spite him. To send a silent message of resilience and that he means absolutely nothing to me. I want to be above him so he can look up at me in agony.
Anyways, I’m angry. More than that except I can’t describe it easily with words. My thoughts become violent towards him. I profoundly loathe him and I always will. He killed me before I ever got the chance to live. I have no innocence left after his selfish and grotesque actions. I cannot forgive him for that, although I try. At this moment in time, I do not forgive him. Ask me another day, it’ll probably have changed.
What I hate the most is that he’s given me the will to live for a second time.
It’s both a blessing and a curse. On the good side, I feel motivated (as of right now) to live. On the other, I feel guilty, shameful, and weak that I, once again, am living with my abuser in mind. I feel repulsed at myself for it.
I’m like any other person- I have dreams and aspirations, visions for my future, and a rich imagination. I know what I want and I’ll apply effort accordingly. But all that hope gets veiled or shadowed by these symptoms of illness I’m infected with because of disgusting individuals. I want him out of me and yet I cannot let go. And at the same time, I feel so ostracized from humanity since I have been dehumanized.
You have a right to feel angry and upset. Your feelings are valid. He took away your innoncanse it sounds. What he did to you was dehumanizing. Your pain and what happened to you is real. You hate this man for what he did to you. You did not deserve what happened to you. Forgiving is for yourself not him. Forgiving allows you to be free it does not make what the person did to you okay and or right, it was still wrong and always will be. Sounds like you have thoughts you can’t seem to stop lopping over and over in your head. It can be hard to stop racing thoughts. You are resilient I can tell. Live the best life you can , that person does not deserve to live rent free in your head any longer. You are brave and strong. Practice radical acceptance , its not easy but the more you practice it, it can help. Keep going, you got this.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us today. If I interpret your situation correctly (and please feel more that welcome to correct me if I am not doing it well), it sounds like you are dealing with both negative emotions related to how this person made you feel, as well as positive emotions related to a desire to detach yourself from them to show them your resilience.
I have to start off by saying that all of the emotions that you are feeling at the moment are completely valid. It’s normal for it be hard to make sense of the situation that occurred and to try to move beyond it.
I have to add that what happened to you is not your fault. You were not deservant of being abused and taken advantage of. These actions are representative of the character of the person that committed them and are absolutely not symptoms of your own wrong doing. This being, you deserve to forgive yourself a little more every day.
I also have to say that it is truly commendable that you are finding resilience in the face of such a hard situation. It is really inspiring to see that you are finding the strenght within you to keep moving forward.