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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Alice in Chains Nutshell
I go to bed almost every night praying to not wake up, yet I know I’m not a danger to myself. How messed up is that??
Thank you for your honesty in sharing your struggles! The first step of opening up is sometimes the hardest one. You have bravery in your vulnerability.
I want to speak against this self-shame I am hearing that your passive suicidal ideation is “messed up.” There are many reasons why you pray every night to not wake up and all of them are valid. People don’t do things or think things or feel things for no reason. Wanting to fade away in your sleep is coming from stressors, feelings of being stuck, or countless other distresses that lead your brain to create the thought that things would be better off if you weren’t here. It is a form of escapism that is telling you something isn’t quite right. Your mind is giving you a signal like a check engine light, “pay attention to this.” Are you able to acknowledge these feelings without then attaching shame onto it that it’s “messed up?”
Wanting to escape from your life could feel like everything is compounding into some inescapable danger-- a crushing weight of stress and worry and pain. When I have begun to have thoughts of escapism, it’s usually when I am not checking in on myself and monitoring the amount of stresses in my life. Maybe I have signed on to too much, maybe I’m in deep emotional pain that I’m ignoring, all these things become too much to bear and all of a sudden my brain goes, “alright, we’re gonna force quit on this, we’re in overdrive,” too much pain, too much emotion, too much stress creating a problem we feel is too big for us to solve.
In these overwhelming feelings, breaking them down into baby bites can help you work through them one at a time. Is there one way you can make space for your emotions, check in on yourself, or get support from friends and family? Is there a small thing you can do for self-care? As small as it seems journaling, going for walks, taking time in nature, pausing between activities, can really do so much to alleviate overwhelm. While you walk this journey, know you’re not alone! The 988 support call line is always there if you want to talk to someone. Thank you for reaching out to heartsupport! I am so proud that you took this step of vulnerability! Praying blessings over you! <3
That’s not messed up, just human.
An empty void of just being here, but wishing you weren’t. You think nothing would change if you ‘poof’ and disappeared. Just kind of flying away to anywhere but here. Wishing you were dead isn’t a healthy mindspace to be in, but no one asks to be there.
It’s not your fault.
Sometimes it seems like a simple enough prayer, ’Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord, my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the lord, my soul to take.’ But when you feel like you don’t want to wake up again, it seems like the better option would be to somehow open your eyes and just be in heaven: surrounded by eternal love and unfathomable peace. But we can’t skip ahead to the finish line, we’re meant to run out the entire race of our lives, interact and change the lives of others. Every word and action we say and do to and for others lingers and lives on, and we choose the impact we can make on others, and that can make all the difference in the world.
I know it seems impossible, but I know you can get to a point where that feeling will pass and you’ll be able to go to bed and think, ’Wow, I can’t wait to see what happens tomorrow…’ It’s a wonderful and fulfilling thought that everyone should experience, and you deserve that too, you deserve to feel excited and look forward to the next day. Maybe it’s a friend you’re going to see later in the week, or a holiday or birthday you’re looking forward to, or even just looking forward to admiring the sunset or the stars at night. It’s the little things in life that remind us how big and wonderfully made we are.
You are loved, my friend, and you are not alone. We see you reaching out, and we’re here for you 