I grew up listening to korn now knowing that johna

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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Daddy By Korn
I grew up listening to Korn. Now knowing that Johnathan and I share a similar childhood tragedy makes me feel that much more connected to him through his music while also making my blood boil about being made to feel guilty for the abuse suffered as a child and not feeling like I could talk to anyone about it. It still eats away at my heart every day.

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The feeling of injustice that comes with experiencing such trauma can surely eat you away… Not being heard and supported afterwards must have felt like hitting the nail on the coffin. You were young and in deep pain, and it must have been already so difficult to talk about it at the time. Being met with such lack of understanding and care is just not how it should have been. People around you should have heard and understood you. You deserved to be cared for, protected and supported.

What happened was of course not your fault, and you didn’t cause it in any way, no matter what anyone said to you or made you believe when you were young. It’s the person who chose to hurt you that is responsible of what happened. You were just a child, and you did without a doubt everything you could to survive through the pain, especially in light of such lack of support. As a survivor of sexual assault, I feel your words with every fiber of my being. The shame and guilt should never be put on anyone else’s shoulders than of the abuser. Blaming/shaming the victim feels like having your soul killed for the second time…

I hear you and understand, through my own journey, how difficult it can be to reach a level of acceptance regarding what happened too. You carry an unwanted legacy, a pile of painful memories that generate brutal emotions, and it’s awful to realize that you have no other choice but to find your way through it. It’s such a strenuous journey to find the right balance between acknowledging the injustice and feeling it all, then learning how to place it in your story so you can keep living, healing, growing at the same time.

Somehow, holding on to the anger feels like regaining control and ownership over your life over your body, when someone tried to remove that from you. It’s so hard to let it go as it feels like betraying this wounded part of your soul that is hurting. There’s a part of your heart that keeps feeling it all, stuck in the depth of the pain and hurt that was caused. Having to figure what healing can mean to you at a personal level, and to be forced somehow to develop your very own sense of closure, is such an unwanted burden to carry in the first place. When you have been hurt, wrong and dismissed like this, the anger felt is SO raw and so deep. I personally believe that feeling it is an essential part of healing, but it also challenges us so deeply in our ability to not let it take over everything else, over the possibility to have a present and a future too.

I wish for you to find your own peace, at your own pace, regarding these wounds you’ve been carrying. It was not your fault. It will never be your fault, and you absolutely deserve to live a life that doesn’t feel overwhelmed by the consequences of this trauma. Sometimes, I like to think that the best way to ruin the abuser’s intentions is to keep on trying to live our best life while supporting ourselves. And maybe that’s where anger can become a powerful fuel too. They’ve inflicted a unique type of pain in our life, but they don’t get to have the last word. They don’t get to ruin the present or the future, even if it’s effing hard some days.

I believe in you, friend. I believe you have a fire in you that will keep helping you move mountains. You are not defeated, and there is so much beauty ahead of you to keep embracing.