I guess my depression is annoying to my friend

[Merida]

Hi, I’d like to ask some advice for anyone who could understand the situation I’m in.
A close friend of mine who I thought understand me and could support me during my mental instability becomes very, very, idk… nasty.

Beforehand, I’d like to mention that I’ve told her all my stories and travails since 2 years ago, she knows more than my family or anyone do, but I stopped telling her since a few months ago. I’m also a person who dislike to keep up with conversations through medial social (whatsapp, line, instagram) basically I just dislike media social, it wasn’t that bad before but since something happened to me, my dislike to media social grow worse, as for why, I have no particular reason, tho I know it started because of an incident that happened during my junior high, but then this ‘dislike’ I felt has been a part of me.

My close friend know better what I felt 2 years ago until now, because no one knows or directly saw what happened to me. That is why I’m willing to maintain good relationship with her even through media social, and be honest to her. But here’s the thing, the more I’m honest to her, the more she’ll know my dark side. I thought she could understand that dark side of mine, - no -, we fought 2/3 times in the end because she keep on demanding me to change.

When I said I’m just too tired for media social or replying anyone on media social platform, that I’m just really tired, moreover I dislike them in the first place, she told me to change that habit and reply more, she then asked me questions “why u hate it? Why this and that? I don’t understand…” (which in the end made me hated social media more because now it felt like responsibility not a way for me to communicate necessarily). Meanwhile, my other 2 - supposedly - close friend said to her that I don’t care about them anymore and that I’m wrong for acting like this, when they don’t even know anything about me. She then called me, tell me that I’m wrong for thinking those 2 friends don’t care about me - when I never said that they don’t care about me - and advise me to change. We fought. But then I know better not to waste my energy when she could only understand me from the level of her perspective, so I have to be the first to reconcile with her, again.

When I told her I’m done with my toxic environment, back during college surrounded by toxic people, and at home with a toxic family (except my lil bro), I told her of how much I’m fed up with it I just want to runaway, make time for me, and breathe like I live. She then sent me this message on December a year ago. “Hi, I had a seminar with my buddhist community and this is what I learnt and I wanna share it with you. So, toxic people could be a vaccine for us, they make us stronger. Covid has made people feel they don’t need others, they’re happier when they’re alone than being surrounded by toxic people, Buddha realization only appears when we think about other people’s happiness too. When we think about ourselves (like mental health, self care), basically we need to think about others’ happiness too. Like, so we have a meaning, which means we are not egoistic just for thinking about ourselves”.

I had faced many tussles during this covid because I’m locked with my family. They make me feel useless, and hopeless. Until now, I have no any ounce of motivation or energy to do anything, hobbies, passions, I don’t even know if I have them anymore. A few months ago, she then chatted me and asked me this “you see, you should start a small business… Like do something? Cz P* is learning to knit, M* is learning to bake, I am learning to improve my art… What about you?” Idk I felt like trash when she asked me that. Whatever meaning behind it, good or bad, I don’t understand if I should be nice to her, or just be blunt and say “f u, you don’t help me at all”

There are many other things she said that stabbed my already mentally, emotionally, tired heart but worst is that, after those few fights, I never told her again how I feel or be straight to her that I’m done with her attitude towards me, cz I know better that she’d start questioning me with why and what, then continued with her ‘I don’t understand you, but I want to help you cz I care for u’ words. I also quit college last year and reapplied for the same college as hers and same major, NOT because I want to be with her or see her, but my passion since I’m a little girl is also art, and that college is known for the art major.

Today she chatted me again, “how are you?”. We haven’t talked since jan 4. Idk what should I do anymore, I’m really tired, but Idk who to ask advice from - obviously not from my family, and I don’t have any other close friends in real life, more like, I just have no one in real life I could trust -. So I thought, asking people I never meet in my life and listening to their advices might help me. And, thank you for reading this far.

Fyi, since no one in my life could comfort and educate myself about my mental health, I have to research it up on internet. I’m just the kind of person who doesn’t want to be selfish too, so I searched it up and read all kinds of stories, this included

5 Reasons Why Depressed People are Annoying - Project Conquest

Also, before you’re going to say I have miscommunication with her, pls do read again carefully. Thank you

[Hannah2911]

Hi Merida,
It sounds like there has been a lot of conflict and uneasiness between you and your friend and I am so sorry it has been so difficult lately.

Being vulnerable takes so much strength and courage and it definitely isn’t easy so I can understand why you’re experiencing such dilemma regarding this situation with your best friend. It sounds like she knows a lot of your story, even more than your family so it hurts that much more when she isn’t being that support you are hoping she would be.

I think for those who have not experienced depression it is very hard for them to truly understand where we are coming from. Sometimes they are trying to make it make sense for themselves and the ways they do that can be hurtful and come off harsh or insensitive.

I’m sure it is also hard to keep in contact when you want to distance yourself from social media yet you are being pressured to keep using it just to stay in contact with your friend. Boundaries are extremely important and it sounds like you are trying to implement some whether that be by distancing yourself from social media or the toxic environment you’ve been experiencing. Although boundaries are hard to uphold at times, they are important and healthy. I get the sense that you are a very kind and caring person so I can imagine having your friend tell you that toxic people can make you stronger was hard to hear especially when you are trying to do what is best and most healthy for you. I do not think staying in an unhealthy environment for the sake of other’s happiness and at your detriment is healthy nor is it necessary. You can be selfless and caring and take care of yourself at the same time. That takes so much courage! So although it is hard, know that just because you are focusing on your mental health and wellbeing, it does not mean that you are selfish. That is very healthy and I would hope your friend would be able to respect those boundaries.

Covid has caused such isolation, especially when you are forced to be in an environment that makes you feel so hopeless. I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself and know that you are doing the best you can. Everyone’s situations are different so its okay if you don’t have much energy or motivation right now. You have a lot going on and are processing a lot. That takes a lot of energy, so try to take time to care for yourself in whatever way you can, even if its small. You don’t have to feel like you have to have an answer regarding what you are doing just to feel validated and worthy. Your worth is not dependent on what you do. You matter and are worthy simply for being you!

As far as responding to your friend about how you feel regarding what has happened recently, it sounds like you are wanting support and someone to listen and just be with you when you need it, not necessarily solutions all the time or for her to fix it. Maybe you could convey that to her. I’ve found when people feel like they need to have a solution to something they sometimes end up suggesting a lot of things and they aren’t always helpful and it can be very overwhelming.

Know that asking for help and talking about your struggles does not make you selfish in any way. It makes you strong. Thank you for sharing this and being so honest here. Although you may feel alone in your personal life, you have a community here that loves you and would be honored to walk along side you.

Hold fast friend, we believe in you!

Hannah Rhodes

[nzkiwi442]

Hi there Merida,

I want to start by saying that you’re not a bad person because you’re depressed. What you’re struggling with now is what many people all over the world struggle with, and you’re not alone in this.

When I read through this story, one thing really rang true for me. The sense that your friend just doesn’t have the capacity to understand of comprehend the complexity of what you’re going through.

Depression is very serious, and it’s not solved by just getting up one day and doing something. Or learning a hobby. There are a lot of potential causes for it, and one cause is literally an imbalance of brain chemicals. That type of thing isn’t solved by a friend saying “get over it”.

That’s why I want to recommend talking to a therapist. If you’re still in college, they often have resources for students, or know how to put them in touch with professionals so that they can get the help they need.

Your friends just don’t sound equipped to deal with what you’re dealing with, and just don’t really understand what they’re hearing. So it makes sense that they might not know how to respond, or how to deal with it. It’s okay to seek support from multiple places too . Think about it like this, would you ask a 6 year old for personal finance advice? Probably not, you’d ask a professional, or your friends, or your parents! That doesn’t mean you can’t still ask the 6 year old about the best way to draw a dinosaur with crayons! You don’t have to “hide” from your friend, more just interact with them on a level they understand.

I’m a little concerned about the article you linked, I know it mentions at the top that it isn’t meant to shame, but this is someones personal blog, and they don’t have any credentials on their “about me” page that I saw. The title isn’t exactly the most positive perspective to have, as I don’t think depressed people are “annoying”. I think they’re just going through something and are looking for help, and it’s difficult for others to relate or handle that, when they have their own things they’re going through. I definitely think depression is something best diagnosed and discussed with a licensed therapist that you have a good connection with.

As for social media, I’ve cut a lot of it out of my life, and I personally think that’s a good move. If they wont interact outside of it, find friends who will! You deserve people who understand and respect your boundaries!

Best wishes!

[Merida]

To, @Hannah2911 and @nzkiwi442

I’ve joined this community for a year. Yes, I’ve been walking on this thorny road my whole life since I’m a little girl. I have many stories I can’t tell, but more I can’t tell because of how much often it happened to me, things so hurtful, it becomes something I despises, that somehow, I am “trained” to forget about it. All I have, all this time, is myself. Myself, my room, my musics, my movies, and oh God, the animals I’ve been with in the past who gave so much to me, so much meaning and love, but my family, they hate animals. I’d go outside my house without telling them just to meet them and see them, play with them, feed them. All I regret the most in my life is that I’m as useless as I am right now, powerless, I couldn’t save them.

Many, many things buried just deep inside myself I feel like exploding. Yes, I reached out for help, I’m desperate. Few years ago I downloaded talk life, in hope I could find someone to listen to me, no, it doesn’t help me. I downloaded wysa, and better help, but I need to pay for a therapist, when currently I’m unemployed, financially supported by my parents, and only 20. I joined this community a year ago, hoping I could open up. But the more I scroll down, read all the others’ stories, the louder the voice inside me said “there’s no use to seek for help in the end”.

My close friend may know the travails I have to face during my college until now, but she never know what’s more beyond.

I know very well I’m shouting inside to just set me free, for someone to help me, or, God just let me go, at the very least, I said this everyday, that at the very least, I deserve a painless death for all the things that has been thrown to me without mercy. Yes, I know crystal clear I manage to live until now not because I have someone to live for. I’m a believer, and my belief that only He can take my life, stand firm inside me. But many times, I lost control, in silence, which I don’t remember, I left scars on my hand, it’s not painful, I’d rather that than my heart felt like all the nerves are breaking.

I must admit, my mind is just filthy, messy, jumbled. So many voices, thoughts, none of them is good. Kept me awake at night. Knowing tomorrow would come, knowing I’ll have to dream, knowing that I can’t control that dream makes me scared to even fall asleep.

Nonetheless, I find little things to be grateful of when I woke up every morning. Above all, movies. These 2 movies which everytime I play, brought me far away from reality, a sense of freedom, as if I’ve escaped.

V for Vendetta, V who has no fear for death, who has no one to lean onto, but still carrying on with his idea, his purpose.

1917, the movie that hits deep into my soul. When I know how those men will have to lost their lives, when they might never come back home for their loved ones, but they still march on forward without a single fear but a shred of hope that everything will end, carrying that heavy burden and purpose as a soldier.

I must say, I’m grateful that both of you would take your time and reply to me just as I’d like to hear. I’m grateful it’s not just the same words come out from every people around me, like a broken radio playing all over again in my ears. I know better to just be blunt to my close friend and the other 2, if it’s necessary to cut ties then I would. But then, I have this fear, no, not fear of being alone, fear of what my family would do after knowing I cut ties with my one and only friends and end up being alone. I don’t even want to imagine what they’ll do, again. I’m just- so tired. For now, I’m not in a college, but the college’s I reapplied for will start in a couple of months this year.

[Hannah2911]

I can see how tired and just exhausted you are. That is a different kind of tired. A soul tired. One that God can restore. God knows all of your struggles, fears, anxieties and sorrows. He is the great healer. He knows each and every tear before it ever falls. Know that I will be praying that God gives you peace and healing through this dark season. He has never once left your side even though that voice in us can make it seem like we are so alone.

Finding the little things to be grateful for when waking up is something so powerful and I am so glad to hear that is something you have been trying to do. The little things truly do count and can make a world of difference. When everything is pointing towards despair and pain, it takes the kind of strength that you have to be able to look past that and find the beauty and joy in even the little things around you.

Making the decision to cut ties or continue a friendship is a hard decision but one that I am praying God will give you wisdom and guidance on. He knows your story and has everything planned out and in His hands already. He’s got you, He always has.

Hannah Rhodes

[Merida]

Thank you, for your kind words and for the time you spare to read my message and reply. Much appreciated. Really, thank you. And about my close friend, through this community, I found answers. Though I still lack the courage to put it to action, since things will become nasty the moment I speak out and I’ve just had enough of it. But I find it reassuring, knowing that I vaguely know what I should do, but since no one told me it’s the right thing and it’s okay, I always felt wrong. So thank you, again.

Much love,
Merida

[Merida]

I’m also so sorry for the title that might be toxic or disheartening to anyone. I didn’t know anymore what to fill on the title box so I just filled it with my current thought that time. I don’t know how to change it now. Again, I’m sorry

[Wings]

Perhaps one of the most “annoying things,” is that while others may hear you talk about your suffering and problems, they experience and urge to provide help and advice, but at the same time, feel helpless and unable to share any useful insight. The above article tends to overgeneralize about the characteristics of depressed people. Some of it made me laugh, and I suspect that much of what she said was based on her personal experience with depression, and based on that, assumed that those characteristics were common in all those who suffer depression.

It could be said that depressed people are self absorbed, which in my opinion is not the same as being selfish. Depression tends to have a feedback loop in the form of being depressed, and also being depressed about being depressed. That repeating cycle of negativity does quite often keep people self focused. Those who manage to turn their focus outward towards others, usually experience at least some relief from depression.

It sounds like your friends are a bit overbearing, but with the best of intentions. Do you think it might help to let them know that you understand that they are trying to advise you, because they care about you, but you need to make your own decisions?

[Merida]

Hi wings,

I don’t know. I know very well if I ask her that - or say to her bluntly that the way she’s been taking care of me, or help me, honestly doesn’t help me at all and only hurt me more - might help me to get my burden out, but then another problem arise and possibly a heavier burden adds in. But I know too, if I stall this problem longer, or ignore it, any time in the future, it’ll also burst into a heavy burden. But to understand more about her and what result might surface on the latter, I might have to tell you a bit deeper about my story. So bear with me.

Here’s the thing, she never ask for my opinion, or ask about my feelings. When I told her something happened again that day and how I felt, she’d straight up throw the questions like this
“so what’s the problem with what they did to you?”
“so, what now?”
“Why did that happen?”
Added with another question and another question again, in the end, it’s just me story telling there, and what she’ll do in the end - which is what she do every time -, straight up throw me solutions, advices, or that I might be having miscommunication so I have to start talking and explain, and often, brought up about her community’s teaching. Or just like from the article above, she’d send me those kinds of passive aggressive message, then brush it off with casual chats. But one thing for sure, from all of the things she told me, indirectly, she just fed me up with the sentence “Just think positive”… I don’t know if she really do understand me but, all I can think of right now and then, is only negativity. As if I want it, no, I’m also desperate, I also want to be like her, to be positive all the time, surrounded by kind mother and father, understanding siblings, and lovely friends.

She told me, when I was on 11th grade, I was 17 that time. She told me the worst thing she’d ever felt is being forced to join competition by her teacher in a club she joined into. She cried and asked for my help, told me she’s stressed out. I remember I was by her side listening to her, helped her make the right decision without involving myself too much, or forcing anything to her. Since then, occasionally, she’d start giving me advices basing on that experience she told me, she’d start off by saying “do you remember that time I was still in that club? I was stressed out too, and so I…”.
That time I felt the urge to tell her that her problem might be academical problem or academical depression, and yes, it was painful for her for a couple of months back then since she joined until she quit
But do you think it could be the same thing when my problem is about passive aggressive bullying, living with an occasionally abusive mom for 20 years, family who took away my dream, a beyond broken family where I have to see something that me and my little brother shouldn’t have seen in any good family, then other family members who look down on me, and a house with no privacy, facing discriminations, insulting words, physically abused for a couple of times, harming my own body, many other more… I don’t know… Can she understand all that…

The first time we fought, she’d ask me a question, and I explained to her everything I felt honestly. She then told me, she understand. A month later she asked me the same question again. I told her she had asked the same question before and I’ve explained it, but to avoid any arguments, I explained it to her again even though I have not much to say. After my fight with her for the third time, during a video call, I realized a couple of things. A bitter truth. From her tone, her expression, and the words she uttered from her mouth. That all the problem within me and her and my other 2 - supposedly- close friend, appears because I so rarely appear on social media or communicate with them during lockdown, though I still try so hard to keep in touch with this one close friend. Again, she’d ask me the same question she asked before, with this reason “I don’t understand you previously, I need to understand you more” - when I’ve told her everything and I have nothing to say anymore -.

Last thing that becomes clear to me, is that more than half of her feeling towards me isn’t genuinely care or love anymore, but responsibility, as if it is out of courtesy for being a close friend.

[Wings]

It sounds like she simply lacks experience, in dealing with the emotions. Those who are quick to give advice, may assume that they are being helpful, and hard to convince that they’re not. I also get the impression that her personality is so much different than yours, that she cannot see or understand the difficulties you are dealing with, even if she says that she does.

The question is, is she open and receptive enough to listen to you explain how she may best support you. The advice she is offering, is based on her experience and understanding, and her ability to interact with others. But, she is not you, therefore advising you to act like she would, may not be a suitable behavior for you.

Don’t bother trying to be like her. Having the confidence that you perceive she has, is a worthwhile goal, but you will have to accomplish that in a way that accommodates your personality, not hers. That you mention passive aggressive behavior on her part, suggests to me that her confidence remains a work in progress, and perhaps she doesn’t always feel that way. She may simply have to exist on the planet for a little longer, before she understands that “just be positive” isn’t always effective advice, and sometimes it actually leads to a person feeling more negative and less confident.

I don’t think very many people live in an environment in which passive aggressive behaviors are absent. Is it possible that both of you come from an environment that readily triggers passive aggressive manifestations? If one or more family members, or in fact, anyone close, uses “emotional blackmail” to control others, passive aggressive behavior is almost guaranteed to follow.

That she repeatedly asks you to review what you’ve already told her about your difficult past, suggests that she does not fully understand it, but is struggling to do so. I come from a messy family background, and frankly have not held out the hope that many would understand what I’ve been through.

How often you are present on social media, is entirely up to you. Ask your friends if they can accept you as you are This might get them to think about how they are pressuring you.

People’s ability to care, or love, changes over time as an individual grows in wisdom. People also mistake emotional attachment or infatuation for love. It might be worth discussing with her, how both of you feel about love. If it goes well, you may grow closer. If not, at least you’ll have more information with which to make a decision about how your relationship should go forward.

[Hannah2911]

Not a toxic or disheartening title at all Merida. You titled it how you are feeling and being honest about your feelings isn’t a bad thing! This is a safe place to that.

[Merida]

Hearing that really is a relief, Hannah. Your words are really soothing. I’m deeply thankful, I really am.

[Merida]

To begin with, I don’t know much about her family, but I do know enough about her family, since my close friend and I are actually childhood friend which then reunited in senior high school, also my mom is very close to her mom because they used to work in the same office together.

There’s this one time I remember very clearly, on 2019, me and my mom met her and her mom in a Mall. I remember it because that time, I was angry and holding back my tears for what my mom said infront of them.
At first it started with this kind of casual question, like most moms do, “so what major does your daughter choose?”.
The conversation goes on to the point my mom said to her mom exactly like this

“Since my daughter is the one who choose the international business law major, she’ll have to finish what she has chosen, even if in the end that major doesn’t suit her, I don’t care, I will force her to finish it until the 4th year, she must be strong”

I had this pang in my chest, as if I knew something bad is going to happen but I couldn’t turn back because I’ve entered that university. It’s not as if law is my passion to begin with, I was never given the choice to pick the major I want. I hide my face from both my close friend and her mom, when suddenly, her mom replied with this

“My eldest son, studied abroad, in a good, well-known university. Graduated after 4 years then came back here, just to work in a restaurant. If in the end, the major your daughter choose turns out to not suit her at all, instead of stressing her out and make her insane, it is better to get her out from that university early and let her choose the major suiting her passion than burdening her any longer”

Those words came out from her mother’s mouth. It was soothing. But my mom wouldn’t listen. Her mom and my close friend visited me once with a gift when I first started my college in a different city, while living alone. A warm spring, is what I picture her mom to be. Meanwhile, her father is like a big bear, that’s how I picture him since I’m a little girl until now. He’s a blunt person, intimidating, but at the same time, is just lovely towards me when I was little and his children. He’d support his daughter for what she does. Her siblings aren’t bothersome, though she did tell me some sibling fights between her and her brother but it’s normal even between me and my little brother.

I guess, you can pretty much picture her family. To be honest, I know where this passive aggressive attitude of hers come from. I have to mention, my 3 close friends, they’re all stubborn girls, particularly the other one whom right now I rarely get in contact with. My close friend is also one of them. Though I understand since it’s their nature to be competitive, that’s why they always score above average academically, and participate in competitions. She’s also a part of a community where she learnt most of her life lessons there, where she think everything being told there is truth. There’s this time when my one overly stubborn friend becomes very annoying to both of us, we discussed on how to tell her to stop. And as I have guessed, her way of solving things when she’s convinced someone’s behavior is wrong is telling them they have to change, but at the same time she doesn’t want to hurt their feeling, which in the end, every single time she has the chance to, until she succeed or she gets an answer from that person, she’ll send this passive aggressive message in hope that person knows the real meaning behind it and will change.

As for me discussing about my definition of love with her and telling her honestly what I feet not knowing what will happen in the end, I really would like to, I really am, many times I wish I could say that to her without a single drop of fear. But the problem is, I’m scared. I’m terrified, not because the bigger chance of me ending up being alone, but terrified of what my family would do to me.

I have to say, the things I’ll tell you don’t happen daily, but often. The worst stuffs don’t happen often but happens every few months. My mom, I don’t know what I should feel about her, love or pity. My mom had been through rough childhood life in the past, which made her messed up her mentality. As the result, me, as the eldest child, becomes the fail product to her - as she states it with her own mouth -. I’ve experienced it beforehand. My parents always ask me, “does your friend contact you?”, “How’s your friend?”, “Why are you sitting here all the time, why not hang out with your friend?”. The moment she knows I have no single friend, at first, she seems to not be bothered much, but the next day, she’d come to me and compare me with her friend’s daughter, she’d say “look at her hair, her face, everything, she looks like a normal girl, and has lots of friends, and you? Look at your haircut - I have a haircut that looks like V from vendetta, or simply those emo girls -, look at your demeanor, this is why you hardly have friends. People look at you from a far and they’re already weirded out by you”. The next day when I made a mistake in my chore or just ignore her, she’d start to throw insults to me in a very heavily curse words and told me “this is why you have no friends”. Then when I stutter while talking, she’d then say “I’m annoyed by the way you talk, can’t you talk properly like your other friends at school? They’re smart and has a bright future ahead, you’re just left behind compare to them” - This might be irrelevant but the worst feeling when she starts comparing me with other people in the same age as me or my friends, she’d told me they’ve had small business, hobbies, and passion, that they have activities, while I’m doing nothing here but self-pitying which only makes me feel like trash -.

The horrifying thing happened when she’s in a terrible mood swings. There’s a time she’d blame me for everything that has happened, she’d yell, throw things, slap me, tug my hair, punch and kick. My dad would come, tried to defend me, but she’ll blame my dad for raising me just like him - basically a coward -, they’d argue and start getting physical. In the end, my dad would come to me and blame me, or beg me to just change while I was in my room with no words, or tears, or feelings, or life, to spare. There’s another time my dad did something wrong, and then they would argue to the point it gets physical, again. She’d then bring me in to the fight, mention my name lots of time. All my little brother and I heard was things being smashed, their scream, and then in the end… I found myself pulling away the knife he was pointing to himself. Thank God, he’s alive. But that moment I realize, I’m still breathing.

I somehow realize all this time the core problem in my family is me. On mid 2019, I went away from home for 7 months for college. I went back to my hometown because of the lockdown. Last year, I asked my dad if anything bad has happened and he said, “not much”. I then ask him again “then those incidents, they only happen when I’m near her?”, My dad can’t deny.

I’ve written letters to her, recently last year, to tell her ,again, that yes I still love her but what she’s been doing is killing me. But this whole time, she never admit she’s wrong, and that she’s always right.

I have to say again, the worst things don’t happen often. At times, she could be nice, but then I don’t expect much from her, though there’s not a single day I still hope for her to love me the way she loves my little brother. My mom and dad doesn’t fight that much and doesn’t have any frictions to begin with eversince we move house around 8 years ago, most of the time, they talk together nicely unless my mom is having a terrible mood swings. But in my case, it’s as if everyday she’s having a terrible mood.

This is why, I’m scared. I’m scared to explain what I feel to my close friend even though I have found the answer through this community. I’ve got no strength left, wings. I’ve just had enough of all of it, I’m just tired, I have no one in my real life to turn onto either. This house is just suffocating, no actually, I just want to run away from my country and live in a tranquil place where no one knows who I am and I could start a new page.
I guess in the end, I’m still facing a dead end.

[Wings]

I don’t know why, but in many families there is friction between moms and daughters. I think in your case, there is what might be considered “typical” friction, but on top of that, your mom has mental health issues that make the situation much worse. It doesn’t help, that in all likelihood, you have been conditioned since early childhood to believe that her bad behavior is your fault.

Could it also be, that episodes of harmony in your home give you hope that the harmony will continue? Then when the harmony is broken by an argument, the emotional effect can actually be worse than if the disagreeable behavior was more continuous.

My mom was bipolar, schizophrenic, and had a borderline personality disorder. She lied a lot, was manipulative, and obsessed with being in control. She went to her grave, never having admitted to a single mistake. Is it possible, that your mom is simply not capable of admitting mistakes, or perhaps realizing that she made some wrong decisions with regard to your life?

It’s a very good thing to hope for healing in family relationships, but it’s also necessary to accept how things are, if healing is not forthcoming.

Though they claim there is more friction when you are around, I am pretty sure there would be more friction if anyone came around, even if that someone was Jesus incognito. Therefore, don’t blame yourself, as long as you’re trying to avoid conflict.

Please keep your cool, and cope as well as you can, while remembering that you are working towards independence, and your current situation will not go on forever. There is a 211 hotline in most every community that may be able to help find someone you can talk to.

I hope things improve for you really soon. Consider that in order for that to happen, you may have to look beyond your current circle of friends and acquaintances.

Bye for now, wings

[Merida]

Thank you for your kind words and reminders, wings. And for sparing your time to read my long, I dunno, story essay? But seriously, thank you, really appreciate it.

Much love,
Merida